Who Do I Prove To Be?

I am unsure of what I want to do anymore.
I am not sure if I am just bored or losing control.
And I can no longer picture what I was searching for.
This is the current state in which I exist,
And I am not sure how much longer I can handle this.
I wake up frustrated,
With a million tasks and thoughts filling my head.
And I regret my decision to go to bed,
Because it signifies an end,
To another day that I have wasted away,
Without doing the things of which I say,
I am capable,
But the truth is that I am incredibly unstable.
I am not certain that I can do more,
Since I do not trust the actions that I responded with before,
Where I consistently ignored,
Reaching after what I am searching for.
I am not sure if I can trust myself,
Since there are still hard feelings felt,
Against the injustice served to me,
Through my own actions of negativity.
I am not confident that I have the ability,
To become the role model of who I dream,
One day I might actually be.
I am not sure of what I want,
But I recognize there is a lesson to be taught,
From myself as I dive deeper inside my own mind,
Terrified of what I might find.
Since I am not sure that I will currently see,
The best version of me.
And I am not certain that I will outlast,
All that is haunting me from my past.
I am unsure what makes me bored,
But I know that I have been through this before.
I am not confident that I can change,
Since every day I feel like I am going more insane.
And I cannot see who I want to be,
The longer I criticize this version of me.
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You Are The Best

You are the best friend I could never ask for,
Since I did not know that this could exist before.
You are the support that I was searching for,
And the wise words that at times I choose to ignore.
You are the reason I stay open,
To ideas that are beyond what I depend,
Since you are the reason I was once able to see,
That I have allowed myself to get the best of me.
You are who fills my emotional needs,
Even when I am dating,
Since you are the only person who understands,
Me like no one else can.
You were my roommate first,
And my only friend second,
In order to not allow this friendship to get the best of us,
Where I serve as the only person you need,
And you serve as the person who finally saw me,
Proving that this friendship is more than enough,
To help me realize the true meaning of love.
You once helped me get through,
All that I thought would kill you too,
Since there was nothing you weren’t willing to do,
In order to support me in my cause to discover,
The person that I had to learn to love more.
You are the one who took my hand,
When I felt lonely and stranded,
By everyone who I used to be able to claim,
Where the ones who knew my name.
But you proved to discover even more,
Than any friend I have ever had before,
Since you took the time to get to know me,
And you chose to look past my deceit,
To find something of true value for you to see.
Since I did not know me when I met you,
And yet you had nothing to prove,
By holding such value.
You knew nothing of me before I allowed you to see,
The most honest and destroyed version of me.
But it took this for you to uncover,
The version of me that I hide from others.
You are the person who sees me plainly,
And someone who I have to explain nothing,
Since you are my best friend,
And the person I have grown to depend,
On as the one who will understand,
Without me having to ask that you take my hand.
Since you witnessed the confusion of my youth,
And you heard of all that I suffered through,
And yet you stayed right by my side,
Through the consistent passing of time.
And one day I looked up to realize,
That I could not live without you,
And the influence that has proved,
To be the best thing for me,
And the best friend I could conceive.
You hold the answers to my questions,
And I am left to continue guessing,
How I was this lucky,
To find a friend who understands me.

Happy Dead Dads Day

It’s alright,
My Dad is dead,
And that was enough said,
To silence the questions of what I’m going to do today,
To celebrate my father in a loving kind of way.
It’s alright,
It’s not your fault,
That I am a child deserted,
Prematurally and undeserved.
It’s alright,
My reality is different,
Than the one that you thought I operated in,
Since I don’t even know where to begin,
To explain how my father was someone on who I once depended,
And then became the trauma that I never expected.
It’s alright,
That this might change your view of me,
And everything that you once thought me to be.
It’s alright,
That this is something you didn’t see,
Because it is not something I mention casually,
So that it will not skew what you conceive,
To be the reasons I barely operate functionally.
It’s alright,
You didn’t know,
Because this is a side of me I don’t like to show,
Since it changes what you think you know,
About where I am coming from,
And what makes me want to be numb,
When it is to darkness that I succumb.
It’s alright,
You don’t have to fight,
Against the trials that I struggle with at night.
It’s all fine,
You are not wasting my time,
As you speak of a reality that is different than mine.
It’s all okay,
I know what words now to say,
In order to make you more comfortable with my debate,
About whether I mention this fact to you,
And what kind of reaction might ensue,
As I relay this depressing truth.
It’s fair enough,
That I have something to rise above,
In order for me to value a true kind of love,
Where I never know when I will lose you,
And so there is anything I am willing to do,
In order to show you your own value.
It’s all going to be alright,
I know that I am loved in spite,
Of not having a father alive,
And someone to walk down the aisle by my side.
It’s all going to be fine,
Because I recognize at this time,
That my father left a legacy,
Which can mean just as much to me,
As spending today with the man who would be,
Alive still if he could choose,
That loss was something I never went through.
It’s all going to be okay,
Are the words that I learned to say,
In order to get me through today.

Ready To Rage

I drink in order to escape me,
And I refuse to speak,
So that I do not allow intoxication to get the best of me.
Because if no one knows that I am such a shitshow,
Did I ever really sink that low?
I allow this stress to steal,
Any motivation that I hoped would reveal,
The person that I want to be,
And take over my version of reality.
But I am too drunk to notice,
Anything that brings me purpose,
Besides the ability to choke this,
Bottle down with a fist,
Clenched against all that I missed,
While I was too dysfunctional to care,
That I was truly going nowhere.
I move in order to avoid this abuse,
That I forced myself to grow used to,
Thinking that it might be able to get me through,
All that I once wanted to do.
I cling to this bottle as if it will outlast,
The memories that haunt me from my past,
Allowing me to move on from being numb,
And making choice something from which I run
Since there is no choice to make,
When I am unable to relate,
To what it feels like to operate,
Through life in a sober state.
And this was a choice I made.
This is what I wanted to do today.
I wanted to sink lower than I thought,
Without the consideration of what I once fought,
Against in order to see what I’ve got,
To be proud of and a reason to rise above,
The strength of this bottle,
And the mind that it falters.
But I sought this out,
So that I would have nothing to cry about,
Since I have numbed the pain away,
Without having to share the words I should say.
That I am struggling to find my place in life,
And this all is too much for me to fight,
While I am drinking my day away,
And I have nothing of value left to say.
I tried to make this work,
And I want to think there was more I deserve,
Besides the state that I find myself in,
Where I am numb without a friend,
Who can claim that I am someone on who they can depend.
Since I only show up where there is alcohol,
And I lack any motivation at all,
To be the kind of person on who you can call,
Instead of being the friend who you always expect to fall,
Victim to the intoxication that I pursue,
And the choice to inflict my own abuse.
I drink in order to escape my own misused,
Motivations to get through,
To another day where I can possibly say,
That I stayed sober enough to convey,
What I wanted this life to display,
Before I was introduced to alcohol as a form of escape.

3 Days, 3 Quotes Challenge: Day 3

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It is in those moments when I am with you,
That I become lost in my view,
Of the perfect situation of my creation,
And the perfect duo that I can never undo.
I want to be this for you.
I want you to disappear into my eyes,
And I want you to get lost in my thighs.
I want this moment to extend for forever,
Before I realize that I know better,
Than to expect this kind of dependance from you,
Since I no longer have any idea what to expect you to do.
I want to believe that you might be obsessed,
But that is only a hopeful guess,
At what might be going on inside your head,
Since you never share thoughts of me,
Nor any thoughts on what you seek,
Leaving me feeling used and confused,
About what it is I am supposed to do with you.
It is in these moments when I stop to think,
That I see that I might mean less to you than you mean to me,
And this fact is devastating.
Since I thought I could depend on you,
To be something more than the abuse,
That I have grown used to,
From the men who I usually refuse.
It is in these moments when I think,
That you could mean more to me,
Than those who I dated previously.
Since I am lost when you cross my thoughts,
And I am obsessed with what might come next,
If this goes the way that I wish,
And you allow me to become more than some random bitch,
Who from time to time you sleep with.
But it was in those moments,
When I thought there might be more to this,
Than the carnal desires that you express,
And your desire to get me undressed,
Might one day allow you to digress,
The secret that you are just as obsessed with me,
As I am with the dream I see as a possibility,
That you might see value in making us into a “we”.
But it is after the moments we share together,
That I begin to dream of something better,
Than what we have shared so far,
Hoping that there is no end to this fall,
Into your arms and a deep sense of calm,
Because I have found a man I don’t want to run from.
I have never experienced this before,
The desire to never resurface from your bedroom floor,
Since it is in those moments of fornication,
That I feel we are finally relating,
On a level where both of us can stop the persistent faking,
Of feelings that we are supposed to be relaying,
Ones filled with love,
Where we have nothing to rise above,
Besides the setting sun,
Over the our bodies entwined together,
With the echoing thought that I should know better.

 

The Challenge Rule Book:

  1. Thank the person who nominated you.
  2. Post a quote for three consecutive days (1 quote for each day).
  3. Nominate three bloggers each day.

Nominations:

This challenge is by no means obligatory, it is for the fun of the experience. There is no deadline for completion. If you wish to participate, I nominate:

Unsaid

Eclipsed Words

AnxietyBug

3 Days, 3 Quotes Challenge: Day 2

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I wish this was a passing thought,
And that I did not want to move on from what I’ve already got.
I wish there was a sense of satisfaction,
Where I could derive some direction,
From the actions that I am already taken.
I wish I had a reason to give,
All that I have to the choice to live,
Boldly as the best version of me,
That I have the capacity right now to see.
I wish I was satisfied,
With the statement “at least I tried,”
But there is something that will not die,
That is destroying me from the inside,
And refuses to let me find my guide.
I wish I was less tired,
And that my enthusiasm did not expire,
The longer I stick around the same place,
Allowing myself to further contemplate,
The fears that I have to face,
And the source of this never ending debate.
I wish I had the means to move on,
Since I have grown tired of this montomous song,
That I find to be dragging me down,
The longer I stay in the same town,
And the more I look around,
To find that I do not see what I once thought could be found.
I wish to change my reality,
And I want to do this completely,
Leaving nothing to describe the entirety,
Of how disappointed I am in me,
Since I am not truly seeing,
The truths behind these words I am speaking,
Allowing myself to continue sinking,
Into a place where I am not me.
I wish to move on,
To a place I did not come from,
In order to find something that will release this numb,
Consciousness to a reality that inspires,
Versus one that is set to expire,
With satisfaction the longer I lean in,
To find the familiar something on which I can depend.
I wish I did not feel lost when I do not wander,
And I wish there was more that I pondered,
Besides where I plan my next escape,
And the people I can meet who might be able to relate,
To this dissatisfaction with being stagnant,
And have somehow struck a balance,
Where they are free to travel,
And yet they are satisfied with their ramble,
Because it is on the road,
Where we truly feel at home.

 

The Challenge Rule Book:

  1. Thank the person who nominated you.
  2. Post a quote for three consecutive days (1 quote for each day).
  3. Nominate three bloggers each day.

Nominations:

This challenge is by no means obligatory, it is for the fun of the experience. There is no deadline for completion. If you wish to participate, I nominate:

The Dihedral

AndyMaudlingWrites

Elleguyence

3 Days, 3 Quotes Challenge: Day 1

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Who am I setting this example for?
And what did I think I saw before,
When I realized that I wanted to be so much more,
And I was the one who wanted to even the score.
What example can I make?
Than what it looks like to debate,
All that I once thought to which I could relate,
To before I was so desperate for an escape.
What am I trying to prove?
By being the one who gets through to you,
Showing you that there is more to do,
And there is even more to pursue.
What point am I trying to convey?
When I share these words that I have to say,
While wondering if today will be the day,
When I discover what may,
Be when I set this example for me.

 

Thank you TheVillageCinderella for nominating me to join the writing community in finding inspiration in the thoughtful words of others!

The Challenge Rule Book:

  1. Thank the person who nominated you.
  2. Post a quote for three consecutive days (1 quote for each day).
  3. Nominate three bloggers each day.

Nominations:

This challenge is by no means obligatory, it is for the fun of the experience. There is no deadline for completion. If you wish to participate, I nominate:

Laylajsilver

TheDarkestTunnel

TheRoseComposite

 

 

Stop, Drop, And Move On

Stop thinking so much.
And learn to release control,
Over things that you have not been through before.
Stop being afraid.
And focus on what you want out of today,
Instead of all that you missed your opportunity to say.
Stop applying so much pressure.
And be open to new experiences,
When life can seem mysterious.
Stop beating yourself up.
And learn to express self-love,
Giving myself a reason to rise above,
All of the hate that I constantly contemplate,
For myself and no one else.
Stop lying to yourself.
Since there is to be more felt,
Than the pain of what was previously dealt.
Stop clenching your jaw.
And learn to find a release for it all,
Instead of observe my own steady fall.
Stop being you.
And learn how to not think things through,
Since I have grown used to,
Seeking the perfect solution,
Versus recognizing that I am proving,
There is value in all that I am doing.
Stop doubting yourself.
And recognize that there is more being felt,
Than a disappointment in myself,
Since I have proven otherwise,
As I attempt to rise,
From these ashes of my own disasters,
Coming to point in violent clashes,
With the person I had once hoped to be,
And the version of life that I once wished to see.
Stop hesitating.
And learn that I can be,
Everything that I once wanted out of me,
If I am kind enough to understand,
That I am doing the best that I can,
With these never idle hands.
Stop distracting yourself.
And know there is more to how you feel,
Than a desire to appeal,
To the masses of people who ask so much of you,
Never allowing you a moment of truth,
Making you operate in a state of eternal youth,
And allowing this to grow something you’re used to.
Stop listening to others.
And learn to carry your own voice,
Where you give yourself the choice,
To operate plainly in your best version of me,
And no longer regard myself angrily.
Stop all of your thinking.
And provide and end to this sinking,
Doubt that I have nothing to care about.
Stop and listen,
To the words that are missing.
Stop to think,
That I can learn to love me.
Stop and start again,
As I succumb to the commands of this pen.

Cheers To Another Bride

Congratulations on taking a step,
Closer to the day when you will be wed,
When you can finally release the need,
To be a person who someone else will seek.
And congratulations on not being me,
The friend who you always invite to join,
But is not the one you expect to be conjoined,
At the hip with someone on who I am dependant,
Always being viewed as someone who is independant.
Congratulations on having what I don’t,
In someone who is willing to cope,
With your flaws and the pressures of laws,
That join you together under the cause,
To support each other through it all.
Congratulations on seeking conformity,
To the desires that we all naturally seek,
To not be alone in this pursuit,
Of a life that we are each growing into.
And congratulations on being used to,
Having the support to get you through,
Each new moment in life which can confuse,
The thoughts and dreams to which we each allude.
Congratulations on finding someone,
Who will not prove to run,
Away from your troubles and need for support,
Someone who will promise to be your life long cohort.
And congratulations on being you,
Someone who I can look up to,
For being brave enough to pursue,
Something that is so honest and true.
Since I am not certain that I can speak so plainly,
Expressing that I might have the need,
To have someone there to support me.
So congratulations on being brave,
And not allowing yourself to feel depraved,
Since you followed the path that was expected,
While I am left feeling dejected,
Since I am not on the same path as you,
And yet this is something that I want to support you through,
But I am not sure what to do.
Congratulations on committing to this mistake,
In believing that there is more at stake,
If you were to go through life alone,
Without having someone who could have shown,
You an easier way to live,
When you have someone who is willing to give,
Everything they have to make this commitment to you,
Believing that it is all worth what you have each gone through.
Congratulations on being less of a cynic,
Than I can ever believe in,
Since I still doubt that true love exists,
And that life can have a sense of bliss,
When a lifelong promise is sealed with a kiss.
Congratulations on taking another step,
Closer to something that I would regret,
Since I can’t conceive that kind of life in my head,
When I am comfortably alone in my own bed.
Congratulations on not being me,
Alone with these thoughts of foreign possibilities,
Waiting for someone to finally see,
Some kind of lifelong value in me.

What Is Our Status?

I don’t think this needs a label,
In order to make our relationship more stable.
I don’t think this needs to be more,
Than what either one of us went through before.
I don’t think that they see what I see,
That we are in our most comfortable form of reality.
Since we don’t have anyone to conform to,
And we have never followed the rules,
Of the exchange that is supposed to make us relay,
That you are the reason I wake another day.
I don’t think it is the hope that makes me devout,
To the traits that you have no doubt,
Make me crave your company and mind,
And seek out a relationship built on a different kind,
Of trust that I could be someone you love,
Despite not conforming to the expectations others speak of.
I don’t think I am your girlfriend,
But I know that we are more than just friends.
I don’t think we are completely open,
But I assume you are someone on who I can depend.
I don’t think it is true,
That I have gained no respect from you,
Because I am open to something new.
I don’t think that I am convincing myself to believe,
That I am someone who you would never leave,
Out of boredom or a random excuse,
Leaving me to feel more than used,
Since for some reason I have grown to trust you.
I don’t think it is the words you spoke,
And I don’t hold the dream that we will elope,
Since this relationship was not built on fantasy,
And I never gave you a reason to believe,
That this is something you could take seriously.
I don’t think of you idly,
Since I consider you an influence I need,
And someone who fans the fire that burns within me.
I don’t think this is what I expected,
When I was the first one to leave you neglected,
And yet you held a different reaction,
Than what I was expecting when I left.
I don’t think this is a form of emotional theft,
Because I have no feeling of being bereft.
I don’t think this is what I wanted at first,
But I do think you are someone I can learn from at worst.