I want to know that I am loved,
I want to feel that I am watched over,
I just want someone to care.
I want to matter to one individual,
I want to have a mate to my soul,
I just want someone interested in my thoughts.
I want someone who listens,
I want my words to fall on attentive ears,
I just want to never feel like I am speaking to an empty room.
I want someone who notices,
I want a pair of eyes to always be trained on me,
I just want someone to have my back.
I hate this feeling of abandonment from nothing I ever knew,
I hate that I crave dependence,
And I can’t stand that I fantasize over attachment.
I hate that I am my own best supporter,
I hate that I come off as independent,
And I can’t seem to get over the thought of what I am missing.
I hate that I am weak and foolish,
I hate that I desire something so common,
And somehow I can’t stop the thought from emerging.
I hate that I have succumb to the problem of my age,
I hate the assumption that I need to be attached,
And yet I can’t help but agree.
I wish that I could push back these tears,
I wish that I could carry on without fear,
That I might forever be alone.
I wish that I placed priority on dependence,
I wish that I had planned ahead for this inevitable nemesis,
That I might never create what some consider “home”.
But what I really seek and what I must truly speak,
Is that I just want someone to care and I want someone to be there,
I hate that this is a problem that makes me cry and I can’t endure the pressure any longer,
I wish that there was a simple answer that might lead me to the prince I have been longing after.
And forever the answer that I hear in the back of my mind,
The one that is soft and stumble and means to be kind,
Is that I am my own Queen and I must serve me,
And that will allow me to be free.
I wish that I had all of the answers,
And I wish I was left with no questions.
I wish that I had never encountered doubt,
And I wish that I had the confidence to say damn it all.
I wish that I could boast about all I do,
And I wish there was a single thing I didn’t think I could do.
But I know my limits.
I know I don’t want to be a slave to the system,
And I know I don’t want to live my life at work.
I don’t want to look up one day and wonder where all the time has gone,
And I don’t want to waste my life away on things that do not matter to me.
I never want to regret time spent away from people I love,
And I never want to be the cause of my own depression.
I don’t know what I want.
I want to live life freely and without a care,
But I don’t know what in life might get me there.
I want to be the master of my own plan,
But I don’t know what plan to make in the first place.
I want to see a face of confidence when I look in the mirror,
But I don’t know who I am looking at most days.
I am lost.
I wake up in a fog of confusion,
And I go to sleep in a fit of exhausted frustration.
I don’t know what my day holds for me,
And I can’t seem to find the energy to control anything that happens to me.
I live life moment by moment,
And I can’t see to look any further than where my feet have landed.
But I can be found.
I can continue on and find my way,
And I can have confidence that today might be the day,
When I look up and see all that I can be,
And recognize that all along I have always been me,
I can search high and low,
And I can live off of the highs and wallow in the lows,
But in the end I will be alright with whichever direction it goes,
Because this is a search,
And it is a life-long quest,
And there are no answers as to how to live life best,
So I must trust in myself,
And trust in my feet,
And carry on at my own pace and my own beat,
With the faith that one day I can be “complete”.
But I will never be whole.
And I will never stop questioning. Because there is no secret to this life.
And there is no reason to for my strife.
There is nothing I can do but continue on.
And accept life and the trials that it may bring along.
I must persist,
And I must accept,
That this life is something that only I can allow myself to regret.
Someone lied to me. I was led to believe that college would prepare me for life. I was told that that piece of paper that I worked so hard to obtain would open doors for me and allow me to get my foot in. It was conveyed to me that college would teach me life skills and that once I made it through the shit show of four years I would know how to live like an adult. And someone allowed me to believe that that someone else could hand me all of the answers. I trusted in an institution and I had faith in an organized approach with clearly outlined steps. I had to take certain classes to advance onto other ones, I was allowed to develop my own schedule and I squeezed in time at work whenever I could. I participated in an internship that humbled my ego and taught me the meaning of hard and unrewarding work. And I studied abroad to take in other cultures and learn a different way to approach life. I valued every learning experience I had during those four years and clung to them as i was told these experiences would get me through the rest of my life. But someone had lied to me — and although those years built a foundation of knowledge and experience, they were nothing in comparison to what experiencing life had to teach me.
These are the times that I live for. These are the moments that make life worth living. This is my time to shine. And this is my opportunity to accept life and make it my own. This must be what every twenty something feels like, and this must be the inspiration that moves a nation. This must be what gets people by. And this must be what everyone is waiting for. But the question remains, is that what I was looking for?
Today was the day he made her see that she had changed — for the better or worse was still to be determined, but she had indeed changed. There was a stark difference between the way she spent her time these days. She was out of the house constantly, would return home exhausted and smoke herself to sleep in order to wake up and do it all over again. She was raising her voice more often and visibly frustrated with whatever she experienced while she was away from home. She was packing suitcases and unpacking them again just to allow them to sit on her floor for a week and be packed up again. She was always tired yet always moving and she never seemed to stop and play fetch anymore. She was finally moving again and she had finally admitted defeat to the strain of boredom. Continue reading
You seem to be made of grit and rationale,
And always reach conclusions that are sound.
You drip with dedication and determination,
And reach for impossible heights that would scare a mere mortal.
You accept what life has handed to you,
And turn it into something that is true to you.
I am so incredibly proud of you,
But not because you got a piece of paper signed by a dean,
And not because you have an image that is pristine,
But because you made it look natural —
Living a life that was bound to capture you.
I am proud of your strength,
And I am in awe of the length you went to to find what works for you.
I celebrate your place in life,
And I sympathize with all of your strife,
Because I know this journey was not easy,
And I know what you suffered,
I know that you struggled,
But I know that you inspire me,
And I know you shine blindly,
Never noticing the things you accomplish,
And never recognizing the strength you posses.
So here’s to you!
And here’s to everything you have the capacity to do!
Because you are one to be celebrated!
And one to be admired!
You are the one by whom we are all inspired!