How did I develop this issue of abandonment?
When I was raised by a mother and father who loved me so clearly,
And I held a life that others would accept so readily.
How did this become something I need to learn to handle?
When I always knew that I am loved,
And I have a family that is there for me.
What did I do to deserve such an issue?
When all I gave was trust,
And all I received was acceptance.
How do I have something to complain about?
When I have no doubt that I had a good childhood,
And I was healthy and happy, albeit a bit misunderstood.
Was it the anger I saw projected by my oldest brother?
Or the depression I saw by the other?
Was it the silence of my younger sister?
Or the struggle I could not deny my mother was under?
Was it simply the loss of my father?
Or is abandonment something I have always harbored?
What made me doubt that I am someone to value?
And what made me assume that I will always be forgotten?
How did I accept this begotten state of fear?
And never try to hold anyone near?
I have few who I think of as family,
And fewer I consider friends,
Leaving me closed off from almost everyone in the end.
I am weary of new relationships,
To the point where I have become complacent,
Proud of my capacity for detachment,
Boasting about my reflexive reaction to shut down and close off,
Leaving nothing for men to do but take my clothes off,
Having no emotions to tend to and nothing from my mind to lend,
Devoid of all feeling that could make this mean more,
Than an easy fuck on their bedroom floor.
I have no follow up and no regret for messing this up,
Since I assume that my body was the only thing they were after,
And my personality was just a distraction from this factor.
But am I doing myself an injustice?
And are there others I can really learn to trust?
Despite being left by the ones I loved the most?
Can I relearn to love in the presence of such a haunting ghost?
And if so, what is there for me to really find?
What would a life look like of that kind?
How can I trust that someone might be there to catch me when I fall?
When I have spent so many years bracing myself for the impact,
And the final call where I find myself standing alone once again,
And I have only myself to count on in the end.
Finding that all my efforts were made in vain,
And the fight not being worth all the pain,
That I knew I would experience if I allowed others in,
And I had to let go of them once again.
But despite knowing that I will be alone at the end —
Are people worth believing in?
Are they worth trusting?
Are they worth the experience?
Can I see value before inevitable retreat?
Are there people I can value in a moment?
And others I can trust to last through it?
What has made me so suspicious?
And how can I not accept a simple kiss,
Without flinching and cringing,
Resisting the urge to run away from it all,
And accept my inevitable fall,
Into darkness and depression,
Because I have no one left to listen,
Since I pushed them all away,
In a desperate effort to survive another day,
Without experiencing the familiar feeling of loss,
And move on at all costs,
From this lingering feeling of regret,
That I never had the chance to say the things that needed to be said,
Allowing a hole to be ripped through the middle of my heart,
And a punch to be laid square in my gut,
Knocking the wind out of my lungs,
And suppressing my mind to be numb,
So that I am not consumed by thoughts of the moments that we never shared,
And the remorse of never showing that I truly cared.
While the truth was that I cared too much,
And leaving was the last thing I considered,
Taking for granted the words that I remitted,
Before I no longer had the opportunity to speak them.
How did this become a desperate search for attachment?
While dependency is something I have always lacked.