Dear S

Dear Steve,
I want you to know that I still think about you from time to time, and the fun times we had together in years past.

You probably don’t think about me at all when you have your perfect-for-you girlfriend laying next to you in bed – she is truly wonderful from what I have heard from friends, and I am happy to hear that you have found a girl that you can go steady with. You were always a hidden romantic, just sapping at the seams when no one was looking. I always looked though, and I guess that’s why we connected – because we were both hiding something. You were hiding your full committment to loving women with everything you have to give, and I was hiding from my own emotions. We both sought to fuck away the pain and get lost in physical exctasy. Our arrangement was ideal for quite some time – taking care of sexual frustrations on trips back home from school, smoking blunts until we were dysfunctional, and not having to explain our reasoning to anyone besides each other because our relationship was a solemnly kept secret. It was exactly what I was looking for at the time, without actively seeking it. You took me by surprise the first time I opened my legs to you, and continued to surprise me in ways that I had not yet experienced. You were key for me to catch up on the sexual exploration that I had not joined in on in high school. You were my coach in bed, and I am eternally greatful for all the open practice and honest feed back that only you could provide. I was a late bloomer in those regards, despite being advanced in academic fields, and being the over achiever I am, I needed a study buddy to put in the hours with me. Because of the work you have done with me, I am now a confident woman who is happy to share her sexuality with others.
Maybe what we had was never going to last, but I wonder if I am made of the material men want to keep around? Sure, my body fits the ideal standards of beauty established by our culture, but does that compensate for my lack of confidence in my appearance? Are men repelled by my obvious insecurities? Do I have enough interesting ideas to share to keep them engaged after they catch sight of my physical traits? Do I intimidate men? Or come off as stand-offish? Why do men not approach me in the manner that is portrayed in our forms of entertainment time and time again? Where is my future rock and companion? If we were coming from the same place of suppressed emotion, why have I not yet found someone to pull me out of it when you did so easily? Why have I been single for five years? What is wrong with me?
Sincerely Yours,
P.S. Do you think about me from time to time? Do you regret ending our friendship with sex? Do you think that I could eventually learn to be happy and love without inhibition? I think that your answer would be to give me a look of over-exaggerated scepticism, and that’s what I am going to take as an answer – because you did choose to end our friendship over a sexual history, and I could really use an honest at all expenses friend like you in my life right now.

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