Seeking the Path of Failure

Perhaps one day she will have confidence in her decision to take the path less celebrated, but today she continues to question the choices she has made. A blind faith in her instincts and trusting her breaking points is what got her to where she is now, but there are times that she wonders if it was blind faith or if it was, in fact, a passiveness to pursue her full potential. All in one moment she was not sure of her decisions, yet incredibly certain in her gut the entire time. She knew what it was like to struggle against her inner nature and take action that contradicted what she was really seeking – like when she drank herself under a table, while her instincts were driving her to find a healthier way to escape and heal. With every progressive step she took, she seemed to take at least a half-step backwards into instinctive self-destruction, and she wondered if that’s the cha-cha she has been participating in her whole life. She began to question every step she had taken in the past, and every step she would to take in the future. Was she really walking towards enlightenment? Or was she actually just running away from the most important things in life?

She questioned her decision to attend a state school and study hotels and restaurants, while her friends prepared to attend some of the best universities in the country. With her grades, active extracurricular lifestyle, and low-income status, she would have been a prime candidate for UC Berkeley, Stanford, UC Davis, or Johns Hopkins. Some of her best friends were attending these well-renowned universities, and pleaded for her to join. She had always been a straight-A student, enrolled in all the advanced classes, a starter on the varsity volleyball team, well known for her good reputation amongst the teachers, and spent all of her free time growing her skill set in the 4-H Youth Development Program. She had been accepted to many schools, and offered scholarships at quite a few. She had been encouraged by her volleyball coach to play at the collegiate level, and scouts had been arranged to watch her play her senior year. She had done everything within her power to set herself up to be accepted by a well known and established university, but in the end she went to the school that did not even require an application fee or essay and appeared to be accepting everyone without looking at their qualifications. She decided to invest her time and intelligence in a relatively unknown university in the world of academics, and obtain a degree that was recently invented from vocational studies. She chose the path of mediocrity for her higher education, and received a gift of inconsequential irresponsibility for four years.
She questioned her decision to return to her mother’s house after graduating college, while her peers set out to create lives of their own, independent of the systems of support they relied upon in their youth. She had graduated without successfully securing a career path job, and faced the prospect of returning to an hourly position in the food service industry. She could have taken that menial hourly job anywhere, but she chose to return to her home to work in misery and excess. She decided that if she could get that kind of job anywhere, she should do it where she cold be surrounded by family and provide support to the woman that raised her and the sister that always stood by her side. She chose the path of confrontation and struggle for her early twenties, and received a gift of satisfaction that is only found when giving yourself selflessly as a mother does with her child.
She questioned her decision to leave her bright career path in the hospitality industry for a questionably vague position with a startup company in Washington, while her peers were looking for the next step up the resume ladder.  She had been making a comfortable salary with luxurious perks while selling hotel rooms to the rich and famous. She had a mentor that was enthusiastically molding her to be the next General Manager of the hotel, and encouraging her development every day. Visiting wineries and drinking wine was a requirement of her job, and paired with exploration of the fine dining establishments in the neighborhood. She achieved the status of the youngest manager in the hotel’s prestigious history, with ease and a dedicated work ethic. She had been gaining respect and traction with her sales and was on the road towards a secured independence, when she decided to begin again and seek that in an unstable setting. She decided to take a step backwards in respect, and lower herself to the expectations of a naive group of lucky young professionals. She chose the path of less resistance for her career, and received the gift of her eyes opening to the possibilities beyond her career path.
Were all of these decisions really made to progress her down the path of enlightenment and achieving a higher purpose in life? Who knows – she most certainly didn’t know when she made those choices. What she did know however, is that her life needed change and the clear cut path of others was not the one that she was meant to follow. She would only find satisfaction in life when she was taking the detours she craved and lived for exploring. Although this often meant travelling blind and without a clear purpose, she knew that was her path for fulfilment and if she trusted her feet to work in harmony with her heart, she would end up in a location completely unexpected, but entirely satisfying.

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