Dear J

Dear Josh,
I want to apologize for leaving you in the dark as soon as we had placed some physical distance between us. I was in pain that week we spent together, and while I was too ashamed to ask for help, you were too blind to see that I needed any.

We were mutually using eachother, and neither of us won in the end. I regret my decision to spend my last college Spring Break with you, and that I allowed myself to be swayed by your false promises. Although I’m sure you thought that you were delivering everything that was promised, that trip was so disappointing that I don’t even count having visited New York City. I arrived to find out that you were living with your parents, and had neglected to mention that detail even after I had purchsed the plane ticket. You then essentially left me to entertain myself with the typical things you see ladies entertaining themselves with – shopping, Starbucks, and milking rides out of your little brother with manipulation of my physical features. You niavely did not even buy enough weed to last us a week, and I proceeeded to attempt to drink the week away with vodka. I felt like a toy that you left at home, and then returned to in the eveings to fuck and degrade even further. Your family dealt with the awkward situation with grace, despite you making it quite obvious that I was a sex toy paying a visit.
Perhaps one day I will return to New York City and pay it the attention it deserves. Perhaps one day I will pay that historical city a visit with a man that is interested in my interests, versus one only interested in my pants. Perhaps one day I will see more than just the inside of your bedroom, and explore the iconic bridges, stores, streets, and sights that New York is known around the world for. Perhaps one day I will apologize for visiting you with a violent Strep infection that was sure to infect you and your family. And perhaps on that same day that I find remorse, you will find a way to forgive me for never speaking to you again.
P.S. Maybe one day our paths with cross again, and I hope that should we pass eachother on the streets of the Big City, that we will nod in acknowledgement and not put on the fake display of affection and concern about what the other has been doing in life. I hope that we will recognize that our friendship was built on a shallow, physical connection of lust, and that there is not much more to discuss past that. I hope that we are both headed in positive directions in life, and working towards what we truly want. But I hope that we keep those dreams and pursuits to ourselves and not reopen the door of connection and fake exchange. I hope that that’s good enough for you.

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