Perhaps one day I will be brave enough to share this with you in person versus hiding it away on a piece of paper, with a tortured heart. You are the first and only man who has held my attention and desires for so long. I would say that I, in fact, have never had a crush past my middle school days, and you made me feel like a silly school girl again, too flustered to figure out what to say to you, and while simultaneously wishing that I am the constant center of your attention but also shrinking into a corner where you won’t notice my obvious, borderline creepy, obsession with you. I have gone through all of the embarrassing phases of a crush, including thorough stalking of your Facebook profile, arranging my social engagements to hopefully cross paths with yours, strategic placement of myself in your proximity, over evaluation of our interactions and how I could have performed better, denial of my feelings, and a despairing acceptance that I am just not someone who you are interested in. I have talked myself into being alright with the fact that you most likely aren’t interested in me in that way at all, despite my irrational hopes that you might be the man that I have been holding out for in life. I am embarrassed by my infatuation, as you probably see me as the silly, young, broken girl that I am and would never legitimately be interested in dating me. You are an ambitious explorer – a climber of mountains, transverser of countries, and embracer of foreign experiences. You are intimidating and inspiring all at the same time, and I am drawn to you, yet I rationally push distance in between us, so that my heart is not completely destroyed when you confirm my suspicions that you see me more as a friend of your younger sister than an intriguing love interest. I have built myself up with hope, and yet struggle to restrain myself to rationality – you are out of my league and ahead of my game and there is no way I can be who you are looking for.
P.S. Maybe I allow my own injured self-esteem and extreme self-criticism blind me to your interest in getting to know me better. Or maybe my efforts in not showing my obsession with you are appreciated, as the intense interest is not a returned sentiment. One of these days I hope that I am brave enough to uncover the truth of the situation, and admit my feelings to you. For now, however, I will continue in my tortured, impossible infatuation, and look forward to the next time our paths cross, and hope that you are doing the same.