A Source of Strength

Absentminded thoughts of suicide had crossed her mind while driving home from work. How easy it might be to just jerk the wheel slightly, and off she would go, sailing over the side of the bridge to meet her maker. Or there was always the option of a good ol’ fashioned overdose, riding out of this world on one last high. Or perhaps she would just take the most efficient route of a gun to the head; thankfully firearms are easy to obtain nowadays. She had considered her options in the most practical way, depending on how much trouble it would cause for those who found her body later. She was not the type to draw attention to herself, so the most discreet method possible would be preferred, as to not make a spectacle of her exit from the unhappy life she found herself living.  In fact, it would be preferred that it didn’t look like it was done on purpose at all, so as to avoid the speculations as to why she was so unhappy and why she felt it was necessary to end her life. Allowing her sick imagination to completely take hold, she considered how people would react to the news of her passing. She anticipated tears and shock from her friends; a general coming together by her senior class as they try to remember who she was and what stories that they could post on Facebook about her; and then she came arrived at thoughts of her family.

 Tears of shame sprung into her eyes at even considering to put her family through more pain, when they had already struggled through so much. She knew that if she left this world, her mother would not be able to hold on any longer, as she already saw the daily struggle within her to find a reason to continue living every day without her husband. Her brother would retreat even further into his world of silent contemplation and various addictions, never to emerge again. Her other brother would not understand, and shame her memory for his children, not being able to explain why she wanted to die at her own hands. And her sister…that’s when all thoughts of suicide were immediately banished from her mind…she could never forgive herself for causing more damage and pain to be inflicted on her sweet, eternally caring little sister. What kind of hell would she be leaving her to struggle on through after making the cowardly decision to permanently escape from the trials of life? Who would her sister turn to with visible pain on her face, after being destroyed by her selfish act? How much strain would she be putting her family through after this tragedy, and would they be able to continue on together? Her mother had told her that her children are the only reason she continues living, no pressure, but if she left this world she doubted that she would be leaving a mother behind for her brothers and sister.

She realized the gravity and selfishness of what she had been considering and broke into uncontrollable sobs. She was instantly ashamed of even considering taking the easy way out of this life, versus valuing the struggle and having faith that she will grow from it. She was ashamed of her contemplation to become cowardly selfish, and negatively impact the lives of others for the sake of her escape. It was one thing to die before it was your time, but another to decide that you are going to die before you ever even allowed yourself the chance to fully live. Life’s highs are accentuated by its lows, and you can’t have one without the other. She had to accept that fact, and look for more highs in her life that were worth living for, versus focusing on the lows dragging her down. C’est la vie – live with it. She was given the gift of life and influence, and it would be foolish of her to throw it all away on one bad day. And with that thought, she banished her contemplations of suicide for the time being. They would return to haunt her, and then she would see her sister’s face and find strength to continue moving on.

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