Dead D

Dear David,

Lately I have been thinking about how you would be the best husband in the world. You would treat me kindly, and with an incredible amount of respect. You would support me financially and play the role of money maker well. You would make certain that I felt loved and valued every day, and treated me like the Queen of the household. You would make the most amazing husband, that girls dream of when they think about their ideal marriage. You are funny, responsible, decisive, well-traveled, intelligent, kind, a good cook, and really going places in life. Women and men swoon when I describe to them the mornings after I drunkenly stayed at your college apartment, and you would wake me from your bed with breakfast going in the cast iron, Frank Sinatra playing in the background, and an Irish Coffee delivered bedside. It was like I never woke up from my dreams when I crashed at your place, and wondered if this is the dream I want to continue living in for the rest of my life. You are a catch, and one that pains me to have to pass on claiming as my own.

This reminds me of our agreement to be an arranged marriage if we find ourselves still single and looking for that tax break in our 40’s. Part of me wants that back up plan to be my Plan A. I want to trust that we would be good for each other, and a partnership in life that would last for ages. I want to allow myself to love you as more than just a friend, and indulge in being pampered and cherished by you. I wanted to tell you when we were laying in my bed together that we should finally embrace the love we have between us and allow a physical element of lust to be introduced. I wanted to allow myself to not think about the impact of my actions and give you access to in between my legs the way I have with so may other men. But I love you too much to take such that action so lightly with you, and if we do decide to take that step, I want to truly give it a chance. I don’t want you to be added to my list of men of have fallen out of my life who I only write letters to that will never be sent. I don’t want the lust of our twenties to potentially end a sure to be life long friendship. Yet, I don’t want to look back on my life, and see that I was being too stubborn and blind to allow us a chance at the happiness we deserve and could find in each other. I don’t want to say that I had a shot with one of the best men I know in this world, and I was resistant to allowing it a true chance. You laid the opportunity out for my taking, and I don’t want to regret never even investigating the option. I will be incredibly happy with you in my life, that is certain, I am just uncertain if I can handle having someone love me so wholly, humbly, and honestly, when I can not yet claim to have the same kind of love for myself. You have seen and accepted who I truly am over the years when I have grown and changed so drastically, and I am still learning to provide myself with the same kind of love and acceptance that I feel in your embrace. When you whisper “I love you,” into my neck in one of our farewell embraces, I can feel how much you truly mean those words, and I aim to one day be able to speak that forgein language fluently with you. I am just still learning, and although I do love you and learn so much from you, this is something that I have to learn on my own. I look forward to that day when we converse fluently, but until then I cannot return the words that you seek.



P.S. Do you wonder where we will be in 20 years and how our relationship will have changed? I do. I picture you being in my life and meeting my children. I see you happy and successful, because you would never allow yourself anything less than that in life. I see you with a woman that I love and living a happy marriage that others only dream of. I see you pursuing all of your life dreams and goals and obtaining them with finesse. I could see our joke of a college engagement coming true when you achieve my only stipulation of being your trophy wife, that you become a Billionaire. I could see me being so incredibly happy with you by my side, but I could also see me ruining it all out of self destructive boredom, and I love you too much to allow that to happen.


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