Dear D

Dear Derek,

Lately, I have been thinking about how it’s a shame that we never got together in college. You are actually the person I knew the longest over the course of my four years spent there – even longer than my designated College Bestie. I didn’t realize how long our social circles had been intertwining, as I was so drunk over that course of time. I had just escaped from the images applied to me in high school, and I was ready to break those preconceived notions that I was a nerd, by drinking to the point of not recognizing of who I was in the first place. I barely remember you from the twin’s off-campus house where we partied Freshman year. I have a brief memory of heading to a cabin party for our birthday that year, but never actually making it inside as the cops showed up 15 minutes after our arrival. I then periodically ran into you in our Sophmore dorm, while my standard sidekick asked who you were in a suggestive manner that I brushed off. And then there was Junior year, where we both were introduced to our standard group of college party friends. You became a resident of The Block, and I was always happy to see your smiling face when I let myself into your house. I have a feeling that we would have made a great college couple acutally, had I not been too intoxicated to remember you as an option over my other boyfriend, Jameson. I think you may have been interested in me, as I have a blurry memory of making out with you one evening in our friends’ standard kitchen dance party. I was an easy tease back then, and would happily make out with many people in one evening, not discriminating who I enjoyed that drunken, sloppy connection with. I wish we would have made out sober. You are a special kind of person and I would have loved to give you the time and attention you deserved, but college was not the time for that, and I’m sure that’s not what you were looking for either. We both wanted to play the field, but instead we ended up playing eachother.

Maybe now that we have both moved to the Pacific Northwest, we have a shot at reconnecting. Or maybe you don’t want to reconnect. Or maybe we are just too similar by sharing the same birthday, and both fail at reaching out to each other, despite having the best intentions to. I know that I get caught up in my life in the farm house, while you are probably busy being a “degenerate”, as you like to say, in the city. I hope that we will eventually make the effort to hang out with each other, because it would be a shame not to give our friendship a standing chance against time. We lasted through college, surprisingly, how hard could it be to last as friends in real life too? I think you are an amazing person, and have many admirable qualities that inspire me to seek adventure and greet people with open arms and an open mind. I was so excited and honored that you came to stay with me during your motorcycle road trip this past summer, and maybe one day I could snag you as a roadtrip partner for an epic music festival trek across the US. I have this feeling that we will continue to be friends for most of our life, or at least always call each other on our birthday, and I want to make that feeling a reality. You were a keeper that I never realized I had in my life until it was too late, and I never gave myself a chance with you, if you would even have me. I regret that element of my college experience – being so blind to the amazing people who surrounded me. But I don’t blame myself too much, we were all blinded by intoxicants together, and that’s exactly what we had wanted at the time.



P.S. Do you remember that evening when you played the Atmosphere song, “Yesterday” at one of our Block gatherings? I remember you switching the mood of the party to share that song with everyone – making note of the twist at the end of the song where it is all a figment of his imagination because he can’t see his father, because his father had passed away. You recognized how clever that ending was and how the song had tricked you into thinking it was going one direction, when it wasn’t at all. What you didn’t recognize, and what I didn’t allow you to recognize, is that I knew exactly the feeling that was being expressed in those lyrics. I have experienced the confusing deja vu, and haunting feeling that I would never run into my dad on the streets. I have had those moments of doubt and delusional hope, followed by a soul-crushing reminder that the person you loved is now lost from this world. I think you would understand if I shared this with you and asked you to turn the song off, but it was not the time or place to share that vulnerable piece of me. I hope that one day we can share ourselves with each other fully, as I see ideas and thoughts brewing under your surface as you deny their free expression. I want to give our friendship an actual chance in the future – just let me know when you are ready for that too.


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