Recently, I’ve noticed that you are not as happy with life as you once were, or at least appeared to be. You do have an uncanny ability to control your emotions, that runs the borderline of being a psychopath. It is always so hard to read you, as you usually keep the same even demeanor and attitude at all times. You only display a subdued excitement and an even more subdued anger, that could easily be mistaken for indifference by someone who does not know the subtle changes in your face and movements that are a cue to your true feelings in that moment. But, I’m not sure your girlfriend knows how to read those inflections in your face or even cares to in the first place.
Maybe she is actually trying to save your relationship, but maybe I am correct in my suspicion that she is not putting in an ounce of effort at all. I have not once seen her take a moment to consider the reaction her words invoke on your face and in your body language. She is not good for your confidence and I hate that she beats it down on a regular basis. I hope that there are elements on your relationship that I do not understand or see, but from what I have observed, she does not encourage the best in you. The last thing I saw her be supportive of was your well-paying job that overworked you and stressed you out to the point of drinking every day. Now that you are pursuing the work that her father did, and the work that will guarantee you to be of middle-class income, I have not once heard her voice her support for your new pursuit. She constantly places her thoughts and feelings as the first priority, and then expects you to fall in line like you always have. You are such a forgiving, giving, and kind person that I hate her for using you the way she has all these years. I almost get the sense that she resents you for ‘holding her back’ in her college years. She fancies herself to be a strong, independent, adventurous person, when in fact she is constantly looking for approval from the pack that surrounds her. She is an odd phenomenon that is constantly pushing forward with progress and pursuing her ideas in her own way, while crowdsourcing those ideas from the many influences that surround her. She scours the internet looking for work out plans that will give her Beyonce’s ass, and looks up makeup tutorials so that she can fit in with the perfect smokey eye look; she takes pills from her doctor that will ‘make her happy’, and she has mirrored my morning routine in hopes that it will make her day more fulfilling. She cannot purchase anything without running it by me first, which is how I can tell that she is incredibly insecure, while projecting an image of the confidence that only a self-proclaimed feminist has. She has taken all the steps toward being a happy and confident woman that she was told to take by the internet, but has missed the step where you actually love yourself for who you are. And her lack of self-love can only be projected as a lack of love for all things in life, including your relationship. I am sorry to have to be the one who says this to you, but until she truly loves herself, she will continue to blame you for not developing into the amazing person she had pictured she would become after her college years. She is struggling with her own identity and bringing yours down with her to wallow in her misery. She is not doing it intentionally, which almost makes it worse – she is that unaware of how her actions affect others in her life. She had no sense of consequence of compromise, and has never met struggle first hand. She thinks she has though, because she was there when you found that our father, dead in his sleep. She thinks that she understands what loss is, and can handle any trial that is thrown her way – but she is not strong enough. She relies on you to keep her safe, fed, and happy, and when you can’t hand all of that to her on a silver platter, she visibly resents you or applauds herself for doing such a charity by staying by your side. I get the sense that she holds our father dying against you, as it is what guilted her into staying in this relationship. Please don’t take that wrong either – you are an amazing catch, I’m just not sure she would have chosen to stay in a relationship past freshman year of college. She is a shallow person to some extent, and I think she was probably looking for a shallow relationship, but ended up getting mixed in with the tragedy that fell on our family. Sometimes I feel like she resents you for getting her so heavily involved so quickly. But then, sometimes I feel like I hate her and wish I didn’t have to put up with her for your sake.
P.S. I want to tell you that this is a relationship worth fighting for, and that it will withstand the test of time. I want to tell you that I love her like a sister and can see her in our family. I want to say that this will all work out, and she is just going through a phase that will pass. But I can’t say those things, because I do not like to lie to you. And I think she has been lying to you this whole time.