She could feel her subconscious thoughts swimming just below the surface, and did all she could to suppress them. It was usually her anxiety that was building up under the surface, approaching the point of explosion in the form of cyclical vomiting. Her emotions were something that she had not recognized or encouraged for years. It had been easier to be numb since that tragic event in her life, and she had become a master at it. She would say whatever really popped into her mind, sleep with whoever she wanted without any intention to see them again, and consume intoxicants to the point of dysfunction on a daily basis. It had become routine for her to suppress, and she had become expertly good at it to the point of bragging. She would advise friends, that while she was in a no-strings-attached Fuck Buddy relationship, they might not be able to recreate this ideal situation because they still allowed themselves to admit when they legitimately liked someone. She had long ago suppressed expressing any kind of preference towards any individual, or at least was a good liar to herself. Although she had tried a handful of drugs, she advised her friends that until they could completely separate themselves from their emotions and gain complete control of manipulating them into what you need in that moment, they should never touch psychedelics. She had orchestrated multiple trips, but would only allow those who were as emotionally scarred and in control as she was, to join her for the journey. She was proud of her ability to control her thoughts and emotions, but now was lost in the overwhelming wave of emotion that she had been damning up over all those years.
The emotion now poured out of her to the point where she had to remind herself that she was actually in control of those floodgates. She felt like she could not stop it now, and could barely keep up with her own thoughts and feelings being resurrected. Conversations and interactions with others were on constant loop of replay and criticism in her mind, and she wished at times that she would just make the voices stop. She was not schizophrenic, but her own voice would never leave her alone to think without over analyzation. There was so much to think about, ponder, and plan for constantly, and she was just seeking a moment’s rest. This is why she had chosen to be numb for all of those years – it was easier than listening to herself. She now struggled with being completely aware of herself constantly, and not allowing her anxiety to win the fight with confidence. She had been more confident in herself while she had been degrading herself. She had been proud of the fact that she could down a fifth of Jameson without an issue; she had been confident in her ability to sleep with men and not feel clingy in any way or even want to spend the night; she pictured herself as the poster child for numbness and not caring. It had been easier, to some extent, to be living that way. Although you might die sooner from suppressing so much of your soul your whole life, you would also live a life without anxiety or regret. She regretted nothing and everything she did in that state of non-feeling. She had some of the best adventures in life by not allowing herself to be pulled down by anxiety and depression, but they were also some of the most out of character adventures she had ever had, and she could barely remember the finer details of those moments due to her constant state of intoxication. She now remembered those blurry times fondly, but would never go back to recreate them. She was exhausted just thinking about her careless actions over the past seven years and recognized that she was no longer that person. She had previously been on a path of self-destruction, and now she had redirected her feet towards enlightenment and living a worthwhile life. She did not wish for the highlights at her funeral to consist of how much whiskey she could consume in one evening or how many men had lusted after her, there were more important things she wanted to accomplish and be recognized for – like loving completely, pursuing her dreams, and sharing her soul.