“Living” With Addiction

As if in spite of her mother’s well-intentioned warnings from a young age, she was seeing herself fulfill her genetic predisposition for having addictive tendencies. She had allowed herself to become consumed by her addictions, and let them control what she did on a regular basis. She would give all she had to fulfill those addictions, and was shirking her usual responsibilities to seek the high that she had become to rely upon. They consumed her thoughts and emptied her bank account, and she recognized that it was happening on a daily basis. She compulsively fulfilled her need to chase the high, despite her conscious, responsible brain and her mother’s voice, telling her not to. She had allowed herself to make a habit out of each addiction, and they had become fixtures in her life that she clung to like a life raft at sea, refusing to let it go and find herself lost and searching for a new object to stay afloat on in life.

What her mother failed to see however, was that her addictions were wide and many – she was addicted to travelling and the feeling you only got when finding yourself someplace new and completely out of your element; she was addicted to spending time with her family and the laughs that only her family could invoke in her; she was addicted to the feeling of her heart bursting with love for her best friends; she was addicted to staring at the stars and getting lost in their scope and depth; she was addicted to fueling her brain and learning something new and different every day;  but she was also addicted to the fire that burned within her constantly, to escape from this world and the pain she had experienced in it, and allow herself to go numb – she had become addicted to the easy escape. Travelling allowed for a change of scenery that inspired her to be constantly adapting and changing her self-image according to the place she found herself in. With a move occurring every 6 months for her on average however, she now felt the itch to constantly change her personality and the image others held of her. She became frustrated when she reached the point of deeper connection with new people in her life, and preferred to run from the intimacy than explore it further. She had created a time limit for her new found friendships, placing all those who wanted to get to know her better at an automatic distance and unfair disadvantage. She had become unforgiving in her addiction to new faces and places, and chastised those who couldn’t keep up or meet her on her level. She would sacrifice anything for a chance to be with her family, and she had sacrificed a lot to do that countless times to the point of it becoming second nature. She had sacrificed her independence to move back to her mother’s house after college, and ensure that her and her sister were living a comfortable life. She gave all the money she could to the sister that she had grown to love like a daughter, and would end up homeless before she allowed her little sister to. She had sacrificed a summer in England, for the opportunity to feed her brother in college and pay him too much for a place on his couch. She had sacrificed her voice in order to build a relationship with her oldest brother, and listen to his rants of anger against those she loved, including herself. She would unconsciously drop everything for her family, and somewhere along the lines had dropped herself and her goals. She cut herself off from meeting new people and allowing them into her heart, because it was already so full with the people who had always been by her side. She refused to let another person understand the depth at which she loved them, and made a pilgrimage to their once a year for her soul to feel loved and understood again. She had become accustomed to putting her health and safety at risk, when she insisted on getting a glimpse of the star every evening. She had withstood varying levels of mild frostbite for a glimpse at the open night sky, and felt claustrophobic and suffocated when the clouds hid the night lights from her view. She had begun to constantly look for ways to go back to school, the system that had already abused her and taken all of her money and health once, she fought to return to in order to fulfill her mental addiction.
But the addiction that her mother was righteously concerned about, and the one that she could no longer lie to herself about, was the addiction to the fire, rage, and numbness. It had landed her in the hospital on multiple occasions, and drained her bank account to the point of poverty. It had allowed her to ignore the needs of her soul and her body, and live fully in a moment that she would not remember later. She had allowed it to drive her every thought and instinctive action, and had become second nature to pursue. She could not help but fall into her ways of over indulgence in numbness when life threw unanticipated pain in her face – it was all she could do to survive. But she knew there were other ways to handle the pain, she had tried them herself, but she always found it easier to allow herself to seek numbness and be lost in the flames. She often allowed herself to take the easy way out, as if to make up for all the pain life and unfairly dealt her. But that was an unjust reaction, and she knew that evetually, if she continued milking life for all the guilt it was worth, she would actually deserve the pain and unhappiness she brought upon herself and allowed herself to wallow in. She had to at least try to beat her addiction, otherwise she never really allowed herself to live.

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