I always thought that I was in control. And I always thought that my words held no power in my world. I thought that it was just things I can say. And I thought that if I could say them they might be true. I thought that if I talked about the life I did not want to live it would be easier to avoid it. And I thought that if I empowered myself with vocabulary that scares me, that I would rise above the fear.
If I say it with conviction, I can allow other things in.
I thought that I might actually hear the truth for once in my life. And I thought that that truth could come from inside me. I thought all of this, until I had the opportunity to open my mouth.
But if I say it with a hint of doubt, it is something I will continue to wonder about.
And that’s when I allowed doubt in. And that’s when I refused to listen to myself or anyone else. I refused to hear praise and I refused to see hope. I refused to give myself the chance to actually grow, and instead I was stuck in a cycle of repeat and reflect, leaving me nowhere new in the end. The truth never seems to sink in when I want it to. And I never seem to listen to myself when I really need to.
I am my own worst enemy, and that is something that is plain to see.