Because this hate is too much to bear alone.
And I cannot seem to escape the burden that I have chosen to shoulder.
I have trouble seeing value in my own face and I do not see the progressive actions I take.
I wake up to hate.
I go to sleep with hate.
I continue my day with resentment.
I never allow satisfaction.
I am restless and unsatisfied with life and myself.
I see no point in waking up and I have ceased to see value in trying.
Because what is the point?
No matter how happy I may be in a moment it doesn’t last.
And no matter how much I convince myself that I am making progress I don’t see evidence of it.
I see the same destroyed person in the mirror every day and I am disappointed.
I am weak and less than what I want to be.
Because I set my standards too high so that I am never satisfied.
No matter what I may achieve it is never good enough and I could always be doing more.
I can always be better person and I can always find ways to grow.
I can always seek more knowledge and I can always feel inferior to what others have accomplished.
I will always compare myself to others because I do not trust that my standards are worth living by.
And I will always feel the pressure of living this life to the fullest because I know what it is to have it stolen.
Because I fear fulfilling the fate of my father and I fear history repeating itself.
I resent that I am a self-fulfilling prophecy and I hate that it is within my power to change that.
I want to sit back and trust that life will get me where I need to go.
I want to be passive in my pursuit and rewarded for my casual attitude.
I want this life to be easy and I want it to divulge the secrets it keeps.
Because I want all the answers but none of the rejection.
And I want to succeed with this gift that has been handed to me.
I want to be grateful and I want to thank life for every day I get to live.
I want this life to mean so much that I am crushed by the pressure.
And in the end I fail to see what this life could be if I just trusted in me.
I wish that I could be strong.
I wish that I could be fierce.
I wish that I could be bold.
I wish that I could be brave.
I wish that I could have no faults.
And I wish that I could finally forgive myself for being human.