An Unnatural Reflection

I woke up angry this morning,
Well not exactly angry but more in a mood,
And I didn’t wake up this way,
It was not until I looked at my phone when the mood overtook me.
It assaulted my restful peace with the demands of the day,
It alerted me that I had missed moments of faceless social interaction,
And reminded me that I had so much I still wanted to do in this life.
It held my tasks lists waiting to be addressed,
And dragged me down into emails I had to read,
It reminded me that there are billions of other people out there living life,
And it evoked the competitive side of me that wants to do better than everyone else in order to feel value.
I wanted to be able to brag to it about the mountains I’ve climbed,
And entrust it with secrets that need to be lifted from my chest.
I wanted to be honest with it and tell it my truths,
But I knew it would not have reaction I am seeking.
It would not applaud me and it would refuse to encourage me,
It would remind me of my shortcomings and glare at my flaws,
It would crush my spirit before I was ever brave enough to recognize it,
And give me an overwhelming amount of evidence that I could do better.
It was a constant reminder that I am just one in the sea of billions and that I have nothing to boast about.
It served as a one way mirror,
And this morning it showed me that I held no value in the face of so much in this world.
It proved that there are others who live life better,
And exposed me to all the things I don’t have in my life.
It showed me that I am out of shape, lazy, and lacking imagination.
It proved that I am not brave, beautiful, or intelligent by a variety of standards.
It reminded me that there is so much more to see, learn, and accomplish in this life.
And it made me angry and depressed before I ever set foot on the ground.
I hated the reflection I saw in its touch screen and despised my lack of input to make it better.
It showed that I had naively thought I was ahead of the game while I was actually trotting along in last place.
It reminded me that I have years to live still and nothing figured out in the scheme of things.
It served as a lifeline to all possibility and the executioner’s drug for confidence.
I made the choice to wake up angry,
Because I knew that my phone held disappointment.
I know that I have an unhealthy relationship with it,
But I cannot help but remain addicted to its presence.
I hate that I rely on it in moments of boredom and the I reflexively check on its activity.
It seems to be living a more worthwhile and productive life than I am,
Always busy and always listening,
Accepting information and processing it for use,
Projecting necessary information and accepting ten times more of it all at once.
Of course I felt insignificant and unintelligent in its presence,
It was a computer and ten times more capable of computing than I ever would be.
And this is what angered me.
The thing I relied on to make me smarter and more connected with the world,
Was the one thing that reminded me I would never be good enough,
And it would always be one step ahead of me.
I was angered by myself,
But it was spurred by a jealousy of a machine,
And impossible standards that I would never be able to live up to,
Because I am only human.
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