It took me years to have confidence in myself, and strength to have confidence in my shortcomings. It takes me months to come around and stand by my decisions, and it takes all I have inside of me not to give up on myself. I worked so hard to get to where I am standing today, and it will take me years more to continue cultivating that strength. Because it took just one sentence from someone I love to tear my whole world down to nothing. I don’t hate him for the words he spoke. And I do not resent him for his unawareness of the effect of what he said. I cannot ask him to take those words back, but I cannot help but want to point out the error in his ways. What I do hate is that the second thought never occurred to him and the reflex to evaluate his own words did not kick in. But still, I cannot resent him for not experiencing the same things that I have in life. I cannot blame him for never working a job that demeaned his sense of self and I do not wish that he know what it is like to be reflexively talked down to. I just wish that one of my best friends understood where I am coming from.
I wish that someone would take the time to listen to my experiences and sympathize with my life-long struggle. I wish that I had a friend who knew exactly where I am coming from and exactly what I did to get to where I am now. I just wish that someone understood me completely. I want someone to know what it is like to have intelligence that is under-served and confidence that people are always underestimating them. I want someone who understands what it was like to put their head down and do work that they hate but pays the bills and serves a purpose. I want someone to get that value is not placed on the title that they hold for others and that there is more important criteria to base judgement on. I want someone to have struggled to learn to love themselves just as I have and I want someone who sympathizes with that struggle to their core. There must be someone who understands that struggle, but I have yet to find that empathetic soul. I want them to be by my side and I want to never have to speak a word against them, because all of our thoughts will align. Where is this person who will sympathize with my struggle? And where is that friend who will understand my soul? I do not resent the friends I have and I do not hate where they have come from, but I wish that at least one of them would understand exactly where I am coming from. But I have found that after years of experience and a different kind of life led, it is almost impossible to explain my experiences to others. I cannot summarize what I have been through and I cannot recall every learning moment I have had. Time and experience has placed distance between me and those who I have always loved loyally, and now I wonder how I can reconnect with them. I wonder how I got so far ahead of them in life experience and how the same amount of time held a world of different experiences for us. I wonder how I arrived at where I am, and how none of them seemed to reach the same conclusions. I wonder where I went left when they went right and what separated us from sharing the same lessons. I wonder if I am the broken one, or if I just experienced what life had to offer more fully. I wonder if this struggle to find purpose that has persisted in my life is shared by any of my peers. And I wonder if anyone has really been standing by my side while I struggled through it all. When did I leave everyone behind? And were they ever really trying to catch up in the first place? Or was I slowing myself down so that I would have company in exploration? Did I stall my own progress so that I could have friends along the way? And am I still doing that same thing now? Why do I ache so badly for someone who sympathizes with me? And why can’t I just move on with confidence that I am headed in the right direction for me? What is holding me back from living confidently? And why can’t I accept that I will live a different kind of life? Why can’t I be alright with finding something of value to me instead of the rest of the world? And why do I not give myself credit for all the I have already done? Why can I not be proud of the person I have worked to become today?