Cyclical Depression

I don’t know what to write about any more,
Should I dive into the ways in which I have been wronged?
Or should I continue on with celebrating all that is gone?
I hate the sound of my own voice,
And have grown tired of listening to myself on loop,
Or find a way to be creative with this expression,
Because the same questions and doubts keep pressing in,
They never leave me alone,
And I remain hounded by the same questions,
If I have anything left of value to give?
Or if this is the point where I finally give up?
And succumb to the natural numbness found at the bottom of this cup?
I am tired of thinking positively,
And exhausted by the battle to not sink down completely,
Admitting that I am a natural piece of shit,
Allowing myself to finally come to terms with it,
Not caring any more about my boredom,
No longer giving a fuck about my potential,
And finally saying out loud that I have always been mental,
Because I love to love things that are bad for me,
And it is more natural to embrace the cynical,
Admitting to believe in that fact that all things are disappointing,
And nothing is worth working for,
Because it will all be ripped out from underneath me,
When I thought there was nothing even left beneath me,
Proving that I can always sink lower,
And there is always the hope for a lack of revival,
Paired with a frustrating piece of me that will not let go,
Of the conflicting hope to attain something larger,
And rise to the occasion I was born to address,
Forgiving myself for all the opportunities I transgressed,
And allowing myself to finally move on from this mess,
It is a nagging hope that I will finally learn to cope,
Finding the freedom that I have been searching for all along,
And allowing myself to feel like I belong,
In the place I have chosen to finally rest my head,
And the peace which I finally can bring to my bed,
If I choose to succumb to this release,
And work for the things that will bring me this,
Versus allowing myself to remain remiss,
And continue to complain about the opportunities I have missed,
Or the spirit that I lack,
Paired with an overwhelming desire to retract,
Any words that I spoke in boldness,
Or any thoughts I expressed with hopefulness,
So I can continue to deny,
That there is so much I am battling inside.
Advertisements