I am beginning to remember it more clearly —
The day I lost all sense of belonging.
I am starting to reminisce upon this feeling,
Of being devoid of everything,
Yet simultaneously overwhelmed by emotion,
That was too much to handle without closing in,
Avoiding a view of the rest of the world,
Because it was no longer anything I recognized,
And the fragility of existence left me terrified,
Since I had never considered that someone I love could die,
Least of all well before their time,
When I still needed them as a life guide.
The shock made me instantly numb,
And I was only able to succumb,
To a place of the floor,
Destroyed and nothing more,
Shaking in a fit of my uncontrollable tears,
Leaving me to face head on one of my greatest fears,
That death is a reality,
And no one is safe,
From the end that can be so easily obtained,
I was confused and obliterated,
Not able to do anything but crumble,
Then came the emotion to attack,
Fight back,
Deny that this was something that could not be taken back,
So I ran.
I fled.
I thought that maybe I could walk this all off instead.
Possibly if I just kept moving,
Everything would be as I knew once again.
I walked for miles,
I moved with determination,
Not allowing the stumbling of my feet to detain me.
Until the moment came,
When I could stumble no further,
And there appeared a kind hand on my shoulder,
Of a mother a would come to love more than my own,
Reminding me that I needed to return home.
I had to face my new reality,
And I needed to be surrounded by family,
But when I returned I found that once again I was being abandoned,
By my mother and best friend’s father who had to handle the body of my father,
I was passed off to the care of another,
Leaving me even more numb and indifferent to everyone,
Except for my dear little sister,
Who was the only person left to listen,
But I had nothing left to say,
And I wouldn’t for many days,
Allowing myself to disappear in the blackness of loss,
And suppress the surfacing of any thoughts,
Leaving me broken pieces in a battle lost,
Against being the stronger person who could step up and assist,
Offering love and support in moments such as this,
Knowing how to care for my sister,
And being thankful for the people who helped us,
Despite being abandoned by two brothers and a mother,
Leaving us to be cared for by my best friend’s mother,
Who somehow made us eat,
And allowed us to sleep for days,
Since I have no recollection of the passing of time,
But I know that my mother did return,
And I saw my brothers the day after all of this occurred,
But I can’t recall ever sitting down as a family and providing support,
I remember a meeting where we planned my father’s wake,
And I remember the countless hands that I had to shake,
I remember using it as an excuse to drink,
And an opportunity to sink away from it all,
Retreating in an effort to make my world even smaller,
So that I had nothing left by which to be bothered,
And I could close myself off from the potential to ever feel abandoned,
Because it is too much for me to bear again.