The last thing I want to do is disappoint you, but I can’t help but prove that this is who I am.
I can’t help but show you that I have a weakness, that I am a human who bleeds, I can’t help the fact that I am naturally disappointing and that my habits are annoying, I can’t help that I have less strength that you once assumed, I can see my own impending doom, I know what I must do, but I am so tired after everything that I’ve been through that I can’t seem to give a fuck about progress or saving my youth, I can sense your disapproval, We both know that there is more that I could be doing, I can feel that you think I am incomplete, I can sense the judgement you once tried to hide from me, There is a tone in your voice that I recognize, that lacks the sympathy that I once received from a younger version of me.
The last thing I want to do is forget about you, but I can’t help but prove that I have moved on from my past.
I can’t help but show that this is now a piece of me, I can’t help you to see the hope you once had for me, I am a disappointment, I am the last person from who this was expected, I am supposed to be the one who corrects the missed opportunities passed, I am supposed to be the one who will outlast my own detrimental behaviors, I am meant to be the family savior.
The last thing I want to do is to no longer be true to you, but I can’t help but prove that I now seek a different version of truth.
I seek the dirty, the honest, the disappointing, I embrace the tedious, the lazy, and the traits that you might find annoying, At this age I know that I can still change, but I am stubborn in my detrimental ways, I am reluctant and immature, these traits can no longer be ignored, I never took the time to grow up, I never considered that one day I would look up and see that ten years have passed and I am still validating excuses that are ignorantly forgiving, I am tired of this disappointing life that I am living.
The last thing I want to do is is miss this opportunity to spend time with you, but I can’t help but prove that too much time has passed since I last spoke with you.
You no longer see that I have changed in different ways than what I was once aiming for when I complained about my own sedentary days, There was the smoking that I picked up, and the way that I am now open to love, There were the transgressions of my past, that I now write about in my self-directed counseling, There was the food that I once refused to eat, and the way that I knew I was destroying me, There were all the times when I thought that I might draw my last breath, and the hope that might die in peace at my own hand.
The last thing I want to do is express my disappointment in you, but I can’t help but prove that I am no longer the person you once knew.
I can’t help but show you that I am only human.
I can’t help that you once expected so much from me.
I am not the person in who you once believed.
And I am just as disappointed with this fact, as you are with me.