I remember being sick as a child, with my body completely broken and my mind completely helpless.
I recall being on the couch my family owned and only hearing the sounds of my own moans.
I remember sweating profusely and shaking uncontrollably with nothing being able to help me.
I could see my mother’s panic and my father’s look of overwhelming concern as I felt my body continue to burn.
I knew I was only five and did not yet know what it meant to truly be alive,
And I could sense that this could be the end to my existence.
There was a day that I was moved as the sickness only ensued,
To the hospital where my father worked to be placed under the care of his cohorts.
I remember needles in my arms and look of my family’s alarm,
As I lay in a hospital bed and was finally able to rest my tired head,
With the aid of injections and processes that I learned to dread,
As they jabbed needles into my thin arms and were perplexed by what was going wrong,
Since my veins were too thin to see and they were quickly starting to lose me,
As the sickness overcame any strength that I thought I obtained,
During the few years that I lived this life filled with a lack of strife.
But I remember my mother being near and my father restraining his obvious fear,
I recall my brothers in the background and making my sister sick somehow,
I remember that my Kindergarten class paid a visit and that I grew to resist the sickness,
That had attempted to claim my life too soon and have my last surrounding be a hospital room.
I saw the drawing I made of the spot in which I laid,
With tubes in my arms and a smile on my face,
Not knowing the true danger that I had faced.
I remember living another day and not knowing dismay,
Because I recall being given bubbles and stickers for proving to have strength,
I placed more value on the cake that I ate versus the lost weight,
And I remember never considering that this could be the end because my life had barely even began.
I recall being naive and in an ignorant bliss and receiving looks of concern as others refused to give me a kiss,
Because I was infected and sick and did not know what to do to help it,
But it put a distance between me and those I love with knowing it.
Because I remember what it was like to face death and it being a secret that I kept,
Since a five year old should not speak of such things and instead have faith to believe,
That life will go on and prove to be beautiful,
And that this was just a trial I was meant to live through.
But the truth that I keep hidden is that I would have been content leaving this world instead,
Prematurely and way too early to understand the struggle this life can possess,
While I still existed in a state of ignorant bliss and did not know what I might miss,
If I ended life where I lay that day and prevented myself from knowing today.
And that that might help me discover what I am willing to try.
I was told to ponder who I am instead of how I got here,
And that that might bring me a step ever nearer,
To the place where I can ask if this phase might finally pass,
And leave me no more questions to ask.
I was told that I possess the strength,
And that I might be able to begin to negate,
The trials that I see so clearly,
And the fears that continue to plague me.
I was told to keep my head high but not my mind,
And that I was not meant to be the suffering kind,
Destined instead to rise above,
And embrace a feeling of love.
I was told that medication might keep me sane,
And that this might be all in my brain.
I was told that depression is out of my control,
And that it cannot be helped any more,
Because this is something with which I was born.
I was told that this can be a temporary state,
And that darkness is just a bait,
That draws me away from the light I possess,
And convinces me that I need rest.
I was told that laziness is the work of the devil,
And that I would have to rise above it to reach the next level,
Of enlightenment and purpose,
And give myself the opportunity to prove that I am worth more than this.
I was told that I need help,
And that my dark times are not to be felt.
I was told there are solutions for this,
And that there is an easy way to obtain bliss,
With the swallow of a pill and the belief that I am ill.
I was told it is not my fault,
And that I have an excuse for falling apart.
I was told this is because of my genes,
And that I can need to come clean,
To admit that I cannot go back and change that which is fact,
About the person I might be,
And the fears that I constantly see.
I was told there are solutions for my problem,
And that I have no excuse for falling,
So deeply into the depression that is consuming me,
And the habits that continue ruining me,
I told myself that I can do better,
And I resolved to not allow my mood to be affected by the weather.
I told myself I can shake this,
And I stopped myself from remaining complacent,
I said outloud that I am sane,
And that it only proves I am human when I feel pain.
And I think that you would agree with me today,
In that is something I previously would never say.
I think I would look good with your confidence,
And I think that you have reason to consent,
To encourage me that I have the competence,
To embrace my sexuality instead of repent.
I think I was raised on the side of conservative,
And this is something that only I have encouraged,
To develop and grow and begin to show,
That I am a sexual being and saying that out loud is freeing.
I think that it was no one’s fault,
And that I had to discover this myself,
When the time came to relinquish and exalt,
That which made me so conscience of self.
Maybe it was the whispers of society,
Or maybe it was the doubts from inside of me,
That hid this element from being that I cannot deny,
And the desire to allow my true colors to fly.
I think that it is time though,
For me to be willing to grow,
And no longer be scared of showing you,
The things you make me want to do.
I think that I am ready to learn,
And I think that you are the person from whom I can earn,
The confidence that I can hold when you are being even more absurd,
And the faith that this is worthwhile to explore,
Because in the end you could be someone who I adore,
And I want to do everything I can to prevent you from becoming bored.