An Addiction To Life

What makes me love the things I fear?
Why do I love the rush of doing the impossible?
Who convinced me that I should face my fears?
When did I become addicted to contradiction?
How do I satisfy this urge?

It’s the rush of feeling alive,
The power I feel when I conquer a fear,
And the knowledge that I can achieve what I truly work for.

It’s the denial that I am human,
And the belief that this life can hold much more than I dreamed of as a child.
It’s the pride that I can find strength from within,
And the bragging rights I claim when I look back at the mountains I climbed.

They are the friends who have always stood by my side,
And the ones who will join me in the future.
They are the family who always believed in my strength,
And the strangers who inspire me from afar.

I manage my crippling social anxiety every day I work in Hospitality,
And I anonymously share thoughts I try to keep hidden from myself.
I let go like an extrovert and allow alcohol to shatter my pristine image,
And I embrace my awkward body by dancing like I don’t have a care in the world to drag me down.

I live life every day and do not allow obstacles to delay me for long.
I carry on in the only way I know how and do not try to stop life from moving on.
I embrace change and see it as the rush and opportunity that life gifted me.
I dream of the impossible,
Take every day one step at a time,
And have faith that one day I will look up and be baffled by how far I’ve come.

A Battle With Inertia

I wanted this change,
I even craved this change,
But in the end I’m fighting this change.

I am resistant to finding a new way to live,
And resistant to dropping bad habits I have leaned on for so long.
I question if change is necessary,
And cloud my own judgement in moments of weakness,
When I cannot see past my immediate future,
And I am left to trust myself.
It is easy enough to tell others to change their ways:
Drink in yoga instead of alcohol.
Breath in fresh air instead of smoke.
Trust your own voice over any others.
Speak your truths and practice what you preach.
But it is more difficult to embrace change than I anticipated:
Spend less time doubting myself and more time moving forward.
Recognize that life does not stay the same and make the moves I need to make.
Look to the future and do not allow the past to pull me backwards.
Allow myself to let go and trust in life.

I knew this was coming.
I knew I wanted this change.
I knew it would be difficult.
But I know I will survive.
I know my ability and strength to carry on,
And I know that one day I will look up and see,
That I became everything I could possibly want to be,
Because in the end all I really want to be is me.

Someone To Have And To Hold

This was one of those times in her life when she wished she had a boyfriend. The thought did not cross her mind often, but today was one of those days when she wondered how much easier her life would be with someone to loyal support her at all times. She cuddled into her roommate’s dog and whispered these thoughts in his ear for no one else to hear. She asked “Will you go out with me? And love me? And support me?”, to which he responded “Yes” with his eyes to every question.

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An Attempt To Be A Morning Person

Today all I have time to write is a poem,
Because all I wanted to do was further rest my dome.

This morning all I have time for is a quick smoke,
Because I do not know a morning without a toke,
To settle my stomach and calm my nerves,
And convince myself that this is something I deserve.

This moment all I have time for is a brief thought,
One that passes with the rising of the sun and leaves me caught,
Facing the rest of my day,
And wondering when the next chance would be for my mind to play.

But I accept this morning,
And I move on from that thought.
I attempt to appreciate the moment,
Because the day goes on no matter what I do,
And presents an option to lose or choose.

A True Friend

Mo was disappointed that he did not go on the hike his favorite hiking human obviously went on for the day. And instead he was left at home with his favorite human — an inactive person in comparison to him during the years when Mo was still a puppy. An outside observer could say that they had simply grown old together and that their relationship had naturally changed. But Mo was still just as active as he ever was and had just as much energy as he did in his youth when properly provoked. Instead it was apparent that he mirrored the needs and habits of his human. When his human settled into video games for the day, Mo settled in underneath his desk so that they could still spend quality time together. And when his human decided to spend hours on the couch watching Netflix, Mo cuddled up next to him in order to maintain contact. When his human decided to pick up a smoking habit, Mo slowed his pace in order to match the slow progression of his human along the trails. And when the only time his human spent outside was for a cigarette break, he took advantage of those moments and soaked up the sun and fresh air as best he could in five brief minutes at a time. Mo was patient with his human as he watched him grow old beyond his years and age earlier than expected. And despite being a Border Collie and more energetic by nature, he toned his natural enthusiasm down in order to match the tone of his human. He was always a unique and empathetic soul, embracing his individualism and proudly marching to the beat of his own drum while leading others to do the same. He could not be bothered by the fact that he peed like a girl and consequently made his belly wet every time he tried to relieve himself. He was not phased by the fact that his tongue hung out of his mouth when he was happy or relaxed, and tolerated the human’s attempts to grab it when he wasn’t looking. He did not socialize long with other dogs at the park and preferred the company of humans over other creatures with four legs who looked and acted like him. He seemed to prefer a life of wandering through the forest over one where he was pampered and catered to constantly. He knew how to fend for himself and he constantly attempted to fend for his human as well. He obviously cared for him deeply and despite having needs of his own, he always addressed his human’s needs first and foremost. He lounged for a day in seclusion when that’s what his human was craving. And he attended parties and served as a social buffer for when his human ventured out. He was perfectly content playing fetch in the yard as much as he was at the dog park, and he allowed his human to choose what suited his mood for the day best. He was constantly at the will of his thumbed master, but he never seemed to mind the inconvenience because he never saw it as an inconvenience in the first place. He saw his loyalty and faith in his human as a given and it would take a world of change in order for him to resent him for any actions he took. He was happy to serve first and ask to address his needs second. He knew where he ranked in hierarchy and he did not see it as a demeaning position. He knew who his master was and what needs he needed to respect, but he also knew that he would always be cared for. He knew that his human would always be by his side and always love him, no matter what else he had going on in his life. He knew that their relationship would always be unique and special, and if he ever truly needed anything at all, all he had to do was ask for it. But he did not have to ask often, because he had loving humans who wanted to spoil him and provide him with everything he could want. His human’s sister took him out for hours on the trail and allowed him to roam free from the confines of a leash. His human’s roommates never allowed him to go hungry because they constantly indulged him with scraps from their own dinner plates. And his human himself had a routine that they both counted on and a partnership that they relied heavily on. He knew these things, despite not being able to express them in so many words, and he was content with the life he lived — despite it appearing to lack luster in the eyes of others as he grew older. But he knew that his life was still just as rich and that his wealth of love would never run dry.

An Unnatural Reflection

I woke up angry this morning,
Well not exactly angry but more in a mood,
And I didn’t wake up this way,
It was not until I looked at my phone when the mood overtook me.
It assaulted my restful peace with the demands of the day,
It alerted me that I had missed moments of faceless social interaction,
And reminded me that I had so much I still wanted to do in this life.
It held my tasks lists waiting to be addressed,
And dragged me down into emails I had to read,
It reminded me that there are billions of other people out there living life,
And it evoked the competitive side of me that wants to do better than everyone else in order to feel value.
I wanted to be able to brag to it about the mountains I’ve climbed,
And entrust it with secrets that need to be lifted from my chest.
I wanted to be honest with it and tell it my truths,
But I knew it would not have reaction I am seeking.
It would not applaud me and it would refuse to encourage me,
It would remind me of my shortcomings and glare at my flaws,
It would crush my spirit before I was ever brave enough to recognize it,
And give me an overwhelming amount of evidence that I could do better.
It was a constant reminder that I am just one in the sea of billions and that I have nothing to boast about.
It served as a one way mirror,
And this morning it showed me that I held no value in the face of so much in this world.
It proved that there are others who live life better,
And exposed me to all the things I don’t have in my life.
It showed me that I am out of shape, lazy, and lacking imagination.
It proved that I am not brave, beautiful, or intelligent by a variety of standards.
It reminded me that there is so much more to see, learn, and accomplish in this life.
And it made me angry and depressed before I ever set foot on the ground.
I hated the reflection I saw in its touch screen and despised my lack of input to make it better.
It showed that I had naively thought I was ahead of the game while I was actually trotting along in last place.
It reminded me that I have years to live still and nothing figured out in the scheme of things.
It served as a lifeline to all possibility and the executioner’s drug for confidence.
I made the choice to wake up angry,
Because I knew that my phone held disappointment.
I know that I have an unhealthy relationship with it,
But I cannot help but remain addicted to its presence.
I hate that I rely on it in moments of boredom and the I reflexively check on its activity.
It seems to be living a more worthwhile and productive life than I am,
Always busy and always listening,
Accepting information and processing it for use,
Projecting necessary information and accepting ten times more of it all at once.
Of course I felt insignificant and unintelligent in its presence,
It was a computer and ten times more capable of computing than I ever would be.
And this is what angered me.
The thing I relied on to make me smarter and more connected with the world,
Was the one thing that reminded me I would never be good enough,
And it would always be one step ahead of me.
I was angered by myself,
But it was spurred by a jealousy of a machine,
And impossible standards that I would never be able to live up to,
Because I am only human.

The Oddity That Makes Life Worth Living

He was raised in the usual manner that unwanted puppies are, with an abusive hand that silenced his instincts — or at least that’s what they thought thanks to the way he cowered at anything raised above a human’s head. He had some odd ticks about him and some old habits that were hard to shake. He was perpetually scared of vacuums, fly swatters, and raised voices. And although it was his instinct to run away from the face of danger, and to keep running for longer than necessary, there was a loyalty in him that toughed it out for the sake of his human. He had learned to trust him despite the lack of loyalty and love that he experienced in his puppy years. He learned that a raised object over his human’s head would not be thrown in his direction, and that vacuums are for cleaning up his shedding fur not to torture him. He learned that he just had to ask in order to be let outside and if he did not run away then he could be trusted to roam as he pleased.  He slowly accepted the fact that “chase” was not a game his human enjoyed for hours around the neighborhood and that it was a more rewarding experience to stay close to his best friend’s side. And although it was in his nature to be fiercely loyal to his human, he learned to love others as well and accept them as temporary humans when his one and only had to go where he couldn’t. He somehow learned to trust that he would never be left behind and that his human would always return for him — because neither of them could live life without the other.

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Blind Acceptance

Mo could tell there was something different about his human lately. He was no longer leaving the house and he had began to disappear into video games as if he was hiding from real life. And as any loyal dog would, he stayed right by his human’s side and hid with him. It was almost as if he was tracking his human’s every move, which he did by instinct usually, but this time it was different. He could sense that something was off this time and was paying close attention to the person he cared most about in this world. Because when his human suffered, he could not help but suffer as well. Mo had witnessed his human in dark times in the past, but again, this time was different. There was a tone about it that invoked caution, not sympathy — because he was headed down a dangerous path of introversion. His tendencies to stay secluded, allow friends to come to him, and spontaneously take adventures as others presented them to him usually worked out for Mo. He was alright with staying dedicated to one human and leaving the rest to fend for themselves. He had grown attached to his human’s sister, but not in the same loyal way that he was with him. He would walk through fire and back to save the man he cared about most, and he was fully prepared to do so.

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