Pardon My French

Le travail is getting the best of me,
Being more than what I wanted it to be,
And consuming all that I once wished to see.

Les enfants are a source of my envy,
With the way that they live so simply,
And the ease with which they breathe.

J’utilise the determination I was born with,
And yet I feel like I have missed,
The point of doing all of this.

La mère of this resentment lying in my repentance,
Against all that I lost track of since,
I realized that I was losing it.

Je commence to feel unstable,
And like I am somehow unable,
To rise above these defining labels.

Quand j’ai realize that work has consumed my mind,
And all of my precious time,
Never allowing me a chance to unwind.

Une chercheuse of how to serve others,
I echo the footsteps of my own mother,
And I allow what I need to go uncovered.

J’ai un abonnement to what I am willing to lose,
And proof that I am willing to choose,
None of this over the option of being used.

J’ai mieux opportunities laid out before me,
And yet I allow myself to mislead,
All of my previous beliefs.

Il est a shame that I am left deranged,
When I have so much more that I could gain,
If I proudly claimed I am sane.

De participer in this debate,
I am left feeling irate,
And all I want to scream is


No Thanks To You

The manager took a deep breath and tried to not allow it to get,
The best of what she had residing in the back of her head.
She knew what she must do and the career she was attempting to pursue,
If she wanted to be successful in the eyes of you.
But with the breath and a glance of light,
Her mind turned to an overwhelming sense of spite,
One in which she could no longer think clearly and forgot the possibility,
Of what she was once trying to be.
She became so far removed that there was little she was willing to do,
In order to contribute to the revenue they hoped would ensue.
She once thought that there might be more to this and provide a reason to dismiss,
The ache in her feet and her inability to speak,
While being listened to by those who ask her to do,
Anything and everything in order to make this happen,
Risking the balance in which she had finally set in.
She realized this was a one-sided struggle in which she has no rebuttal,
Leaving her fate up to the finances of another.
And with the faith that she discovered to be misplaced,
She had an overwhelming feeling that her mind was being raped,
Valued only for what it could produce and not worrying about what she might lose,
If she allowed herself to continue being used.
Since she thought that her contributions would go noticed,
And she would be rewarded for her immense focus,
On what would serve the company the best,
Never allowing her mind to rest,
Until all of the issues have been resolved and she had answered every call,
To the detriment of her own ungraceful fall,
From the point of pride that she once held,
For the position of influence with the potential for wealth.
Since what they had promised proved to only be dreams,
And the ideas of which are now falling apart at the seams since she was the only person willing to do anything.
They placed all of the pressure on her back and failed to react,
When she asked that they have her back.
And with a deep breath she began to expel the growing pressures of her current hell,
Recounting the reasons for which she failed.
One for the lack of support and two for no competent cohorts,
Three for the overwhelming pressure and four for the neglection,
Five for her sense of pride and six for what she is left with.
The list could go on and become the song,
That she would play in her head when she was left feeling dead,
From the work she applied and having actually tried,
To prove that this is something she can do,
No thanks to any help from you.

Why Won’t You Let Me Be?

Why did you have to come back to haunt me?
Once I finally decided to set myself free.
What is it that you want from me?
Do you have to make me further bleed?
Because I was once done with you and all that you do.
I decided to finally react to the reaction that you lacked.
I chose to move on while my pride was still in tact.
Since you once ignored me and made me feel,
Like I was the last woman you wanted to heal.
Since my problems amounted to too much,
And you were not looking to deal with such.
I understand that you wanted to have fun,
And you never promised that this would work in the long run.
But I still hoped that it might prove to be worthwhile,
And that you would always make me smile.
But I wanted you to be what you could no longer see,
And the blame of failure can be placed on me,
Since I did not give you the chance to speak your peace,
And I assumed that you would be my one release,
That would set me free from the confines of my doubt,
And make me realize that I have a reason to shout,
That I am beautiful and intelligent and have a reason to never repent,
The person who I prove to be in our version of reality.
But I forced that on you and I know that to be true,
Despite the things you said you’d do.
I chose to believe that you could mean more to me,
And yet you proved to evade that possibility.
So now why do you come calling back?
And how am I supposed to react?
Am I meant to forgive your choice to go on living,
Or should I blame you for going missing?
Where do I draw the line for my own time,
And the choice I made to deny you of my pursuit,
Since it would be so easy to fall back into where we left off,
And forget all the things I once thought.
Since you are too easy to forgive,
And I want to move on and live,
A life without your control over me,
And the butterflies in my stomach that won’t let me sleep.

I Want This Too Desperately

I want this so badly that I am watching myself crumble.
I put so much pressure on this that I created my own struggle.
I made this mean so much more than what it was intended to be before.
It was meant to be my escape not another reason to contemplate,
The destiny of my own fate.
It was meant to be a release from the secrets I keep,
Not another factor that silences my ability to speak.
I meant to enjoy this and I did not want to miss,
The opportunity that I have been seeking so desperately,
And not make it the factor that will be the death of me.
I want this to be the answer that I am looking for,
Not the reason that I am pinned to the floor,
Stuck in a state of anxiety and distraught,
Because I am losing everything for which I fought.
I want this to be what I wanted,
And I wish that I was not so stunted,
When it comes to taking a leap towards what I dreamed of,
And trusting the release of where I came from.
I want this to be the change I sought.
I trusted that these actions will lead me to better thoughts.
I wish that I could know that it is true,
That I am on to bigger and better things to pursue.
This was supposed to be a bold leap of faith,
Where I show strength over the ability to contemplate,
Everything that could go wrong,
If I do not trust that it is time to move on.
I want to trust that this was the right move,
And show what I can truly do,
If I have the faith that I can pursue,
That which I am most of afraid of wanting,
Because the need for it is overwhelming.
I want this in my soul.
I want to finally release control.
I want this to be everything I’ve been searching for.
But I need to allow myself to not react,
With shock that I am taking this act,
Of boldness and miss,
The moments where I can be true to this.
I must have faith.
I have to be able to relate,
To the expereineces that I am seeking,
And the words the I am speaking.
I have to be true,
To what I am willing to do,
To make this my reality,
And not force compromise on me.

You Could Be A Three-Legged Coyote

I saw a three legged coyote wandering across the street,
And my heart thought it lost a beat.
I knew that I should be afraid,
Of a wild animal that was so awkwardly maimed,
As it stood and stared me deep in the eyes,
Reminding me of the jolt it feels like to be alive,
And instilling a fear with a wild animal so near,
Unable to predict its thoughts,
And unsure of how it was previously taught,
To stay alive in this suburban neighborhood,
Without the traditional methods of obtaining food.
The thought crossed my mind,
That this coyote is one of a kind,
And it might have different methods it ensues,
To survive what it is going through.
Since its lack of a leg seemed to not slow it down,
And it was missing the edge and assumed frown,
That I figured one with such a disadvantage would hold,
But it held a different message that was being told —
That what it lacks provided it a reason to react,
With even more strength than the rest of its pack.
What it was missing was less significant,
Than the determination a sacrifiant,
One who has offered all it has to give,
And still finds reason to live.
I wanted to turn away from the coyote with so much to share,
Because I was afraid of how I might compare,
To an animal that possesses such strength,
And the terrible lengths,
It must have been through to in order to feel so comfortable,
Staring down the mind of another,
Species that does not speak its language,
Wondering who might be more deranged,
And will react first to the reflex it knows,
To run from the unknown,
Or fight it to conform,
To the expectations from which it reformed.
Since we both identify as loners in our packs,
And we were both unsure of how the other would react,
Since a lone coyote cannot be trusted,
Especially one who is so viably busted.
I smiled at the coyote with this final thought,
Knowing that there were similar lessons that we were taught,
About knowing who we can truly depend on,
And how to learn to rely upon,
All the legs that we have to work with,
And a sense of humor that makes life worth it.

Don’t Put Me In Coach

I am frustrated and distracted and I am no longer sure of which tactic,
To take as I continue on with this debate and I am unable to relate,
To the people who have gotten by easy while doing things that would never please,
The mind that I have confined in this rhyme that grows restless with the passing of time.
I am exhausted and yet pensive as I release what is fenced in,
By the confines of reality and the person I will not allow myself to be,
Since I have not seen what I can do and I am waiting for my time to pursue,
Something that is greater than what I currently possess and proof that I am the best,
Version of me despite what I’ve been through and the weakness that ensues,
When I cannot seem to take another step and I am left in a pile swept,
Aside in order to make room for more and everything that I have been waiting for.
I am indifferent and numb to what is still to come,
Since I cannot release this worry and I seem to be in a hurry,
To get anywhere but where I currently stand abandoning any outstretched hand,
Offering support in the pursuit for more and lacking a desire to even out the score,
That was once equal in the start but from now has grown apart,
So that I can no longer even understand the numbers we are using and the goal we are pursuing.
I do not know how to win a game that I never wished to play and what I might say,
To end this constant fight to expect more out of life,
I want to call it quits but I am afraid that I might miss,
My chance to enter the big leagues and finally see,
Who I might actually prove to be if I played this game and sought my own form of fame.

I Meant To Say More

I meant to give a fuck today,
So that I could set my cares away,
But instead I found another reason to complain.

I meant to smile with this line,
So that it could ease the passing of time,
But instead I run into another dead end rhyme.

I meant to release control,
So that I can learn from what I went through before,
But instead I have an overwhelming sense of being bored.

I meant to reach out to you,
So that I could gain support in what I’ve been through,
But instead my loneliness ensues.

I meant to think more positively,
So that I could finally believe,
But instead I am feeling beaten down sadly.

I meant to find my strength,
So that I could go to all lengths,
But instead I am lost in this debate.

I meant to finally care,
So that I have more that I can share,
But instead I am going nowhere.

I meant to write something up beat,
So that I could be proud of the words I speak,
But instead it is further that I sink.

I meant to prove something,
So that I could know the best is still coming,
But instead I feel nothing.

I meant to not lose my shit,
So that I can show I am worth it,
But instead I am just tired of all of this.

I meant to end this on a good note,
So that you could feel hope,
But instead I leave these negative thoughts I spoke.

What Did I Wish For?

I expected so much out of today,
But instead I am left wondering what I have to celebrate.
I thought today would hold so much more,
But instead I am left feeling incredibly bored.
I put pressure on this day,
To be more than I am willing to say,
That I wanted it to be,
And what I wanted to see.
I wished for a friend to celebrate with,
And was instead surrounded by friends willing to share a fifth,
Of alcohol instead of genuine time,
Valuing only conversation shared over wine.
I wished for a reason to care,
About the passing of time that I have shared,
With the people who surround me,
Searching for a reason to believe,
That they actually care about the person I am,
And are willing to do all that they can,
To acknowledge what I am willing to do,
If I found myself in their shoes,
With a friend who is turning 28,
And has so much in life to contemplate,
But for one day is looking to share,
Life lived based off of a dare,
To survive yet another day,
Finding reasons and ways to play.
I wished for support,
And the embrace of my old cohorts,
Who knew me down to my soul,
And never left me feeling bored.
I wished for for it all to come back,
But instead I once again blacked out,
The moment in which I was living,
Leaving me a mess on the floor with my head spinning.
I wished that I would never return to this state,
But I am stubbornly blind to my own debate,
Over what to do in order to truly celebrate,
The day I turned 28.
I could have cared,
And I could have shared,
The wishes that I made,
And the respect I wished was paid.
But I wished and then forgot,
What it was that I sought,
Since I never even had a cake,
And my wishes vanished with the passing of this date.

I Miss Me

I changed my view yesterday and I threw my old self away.
I came here to do what I had to do in order to have one more day that I made it through.
I allowed responsibility to fall by the wayside since I could feel my soul dying from the inside.
I lost track of time and began to commit crimes,
Against what I hold dear and I allowed the fear,
To creep into my vision and obstruct my division,
From the things that I hate the most and the chasing of a ghost,
Of the person I once knew myself to be and perspective from which I once did see.
It was time for a change since I was feeling deranged,
And I allowed myself to be overcome with pain,
And the thought that I had to move towards a state of being “sane”,
Since my previous actions could be skewed as insane —
With the dying of my hair and speaking without a care,
If I might offend someone while embracing the feeling of being numb.
I chose to stand out and I had something to brag about,
Since I saw value in my crazy once but since then I have grown lazy,
Unbothered by the fact that I blend in and neglecting to search for a place to begin again,
I became complacent in my state and I forgot my constant debate,
About what image I wanted to embody and my constant pursuit to party,
Through this life that I was given and the transgressions that I have forgiven,
Since I once moved on without a second thought and I once was bold in what I brought,
To the table of this life that has grown unstable.
I once did know what I wanted to show and I had the confidence to allow it to grow,
I was on my own path of success before life handed me obstacles through which I progressed,
But with the hard work I began to lose my unique worth,
And I forgot to compensate for the element of being bored.
But yesterday I changed the way I see and I began to believe,
That I never lost track of me instead I lost the ability to be,
Bold in what I have to hold,
And proud of the the words I speak out loud,
Unashamed of my incessant pain,
Confident that I can prove I am not dependant,
On the approval of others since I have my own druthers,
Free from the images that confine me,
And bold with what I behold,
When I look in the mirror and I see this woman looking back at me,
Who is everything I ever wanted to be.

Will I Be My Valentine?

Where is the love today?
And what is actually being conveyed?
Where are the genuine words that you’ve been meaning to say?
And when did this become such a commercialized day?
I want to join in on celebration,
But instead today presents altercation,
Since I was not invited to share a date,
And instead I am left to contemplate,
What it is that leaves me less than desirable,
And what society considers more reliable.
Am I supposed to feel desperate for recognition?
Or should I be mourning what I am obviously missing?
Is there something wrong with my division?
Or should I feel shame with this admission?
That I am alone on day to be loved,
And that I am insane with the pain of,
Knowing that I am worth the pursuit,
And yet missing this acute,
Sense of being desired or needed,
And instead I recognize that I am once again unheeded.
But what is it that makes me feel unloved today?
When I am alone on most days?
What makes me feel pressure more on this day?
To live a life I have not focused on anyway?
I feel the pressure to meet society’s needs,
Versus the ones that I usually feed.
I listen to the chatter,
Which leaves me feeling battered,
When in reality I have always been loved,
And there are many who I am the desire of,
If I take a moment to release the pressure,
And recognize that this life is about the adventure.
I am not yet meant to reach my destination,
And I need patience to listen to what I am saying.
So what makes me question the love?
When I know that I have the power to rise above?
What makes today to a day any less to celebrate?
And who says that I am left out of this debate?