Cheers to Me

This is what I’ve manifested,

A new place I call home, where all my oddities are welcome, all my faults are accepted, where all of my belongings fit once again,

A dog to who I am devoted, dedicated, and obsessed completely with,

A writing practice that I crave, that makes my day seem to fall in place, that sorts through the processing I need to face, records my feelings in my most honest way,

A new hobby of creativity, practicing expression and bravery, catering only to me, freely expressing myself through dancing,

A yoga routine that my body needs, a daily practice in stretching, expanding, diving deeper into me, pushing the limits of my own creating,

A day job that is financially sustaining, and openly accepting of smoking weed, offering an alternative reality to the cubicle dream,

A side hustle that encourages my passions, allows me to practice them, proving that I have expandable talents,

A passion for life once again, a feeling of serving a purpose, a drive to continue exploring, the desire to continue expanding my knowledge,

A deeper sense of self, more fluidity in my standards of success, more acceptance of being human, encouraging my desire to dream once again,

A relationship with my family that is fun, yet deeply understanding and supportive, grounding and yet something to be celebrated,

A circle of friends who feel like family, encouraging, crazy, weird, funny,

A routine that provides what I need, permission to release, security, and just a touch of unpredictability,

An identity that is becoming me, a vision that I once just used to dream of, a life filled with opportunity and encouragement,

A confidence building, directions being chosen, paths being blazen, due to my persistence in creating,

A year of bravery, five years practicing self-love persistently, ten years of healing,

Making today a day worth celebrating.

Celebration Rings Hollow

There was something missing in my celebration —

Something that conveyed a sense of hollowness in a moment of joy,

And something that did not allow me to feel a complete sense of accomplishment.

There was something nagging at my heart,

And it distracted me from the moment of pride that was supposed to overwhelm me.

I could not give it a name,

But I felt its presence like a shadow I could not shake,

Chilling my heart which was supposed to be filled with pride,

And subduing my excitement when it was supposed to be overflowing.

It dragged me every so slightly down,

Like a weight on a balloon seeking freedom in the skies,

And it tugged me back to a state of indifference from an attempt to feel elated.

I did not resent it though,

Because for as long as I have known its presence,

I have accepted it for what it is —

I have accepted that I cannot feel complete joy,

And I recognize that there is a hollow feature to my celebrations.

I choose to share my accomplishments with little to no one,

And I often opt for celebration in solitude,

Because there is someone missing from it all.

There is one set of eyes I want to see a reflection of pride in,

And one person I will never see again.

There is one mind that I am missing the influence of,

And one example that I wish I could follow.

There is one person I want to impress,

And I never will be able to share anything with them again.

So I am left feeling hollow,

And I am left to celebrate in solitude,

And continue to push away the feeling that something is missing,

Because life robbed me of my father too young,

And I will always ache to share my life with the man I miss the most.