These Heels Were Made For Wandering

Yesterday I wore the red heels. I stunned and impressed and was dressed for it appropriately, reviving a hibernating side of my personality, the side that operates confidently. I was dressed for the interview, I had my notes, my questions, and my conversation cues organized and ready to use. I was properly caffeinated, perfectly primped, and ready for this conversation. I was the picture of experience, work ethic, and mindful openness. I had this. The questions flowed and my answers were perfect. I deserved this. The man was impressed and interested. But half way through the interview, I realized I don’t want this. I don’t want to have the perfect answers. I don’t want to have to dress like this. I love these heels, but they were meant for a stage. I love this dress, but I did not want to iron it. I love the way I look, but it can be put to better use. I could be dancing or writing. I could be exploring. I could be living boldly. I am dressed to the nines for a nine to five. I am forcing a habit to seem alive. I am checking off points that I was told hold value, when I could be doing even more. I thought I wanted this. I thought I had this. I thought this was my opportunity, but my goals are changing. I want to live freely. I have to be paid money to live, but I am willing to change what I do to get it. I am looking to switch everything up. I want to throw out my closet and begin again. I wanted this interview to end, so that I could go back to living bohemian. No cubicle was meant for me. No office can support my individuality. No memo can summarize my dreams. I am changing. What I prepared half my life for now is no longer relevant. I could have never anticipated this. I should have changed my focus. I should have admitted that what I wanted out of life was different. I should have seen it. There was so much time I missed, when doing what others expected. But today I end it. Today I will turn down another success. Today I will continue searching for what I’ve always wanted. Today I will wear the read heels and never look back.


No Pictures Please

Last Night I was outside of my Body, observing a different version of Me,
Tall, Beautiful, and Bold enough to wear heels on my feet, Sexy, Dressed up, being the source of other women’s Envy, slid tightly into a Red dress, with a slit about Thigh high, and beading that flashed Brightly, equipped with gloves that emphasized the Length of my arms nicely, knowing that I am being Seen, there was no way I couldn’t Be, Elegance paired with Bravery, standing out Boldly, a hand on my Hip when talking casually, showing off the Curves yoga gave me, a gentle Caress of a costumed face, playing out Actions that I would not normally take, walking into a room with Confidence, finding it Easier than I once thought, playing this Siren’s part, tossing my Hair back lightly, so that you can see the red on my Lips shining, moving Slowly, so you can notice the Sway in my hips while walking, Smiling, Knowing that I am who other women want to be, Envied for being skinny, Admired for my bravery, approached for my Sexuality,
Without a single Picture of me, I know the Woman I would see, she is dressed Extravagantly, Standing tall, Arching her back slightly, Enhancing her femininity, winking Playfully, I will not recognize Her as Me, but I will notice the subtle Similarities, her eyes flashing Anxiety, an uncomfortable Pain in her feet, a hint of Awkwardness in the way she is moving, she is still Learning, but ever so Surely, she will become the Woman that others see, Bold, Brave, Beautiful, no Costume needed, the Change is happening,
There is no picture of the Woman I was Last Night,
But I will soon be that Woman All Of The Time.

Let Them Talk Shit

She is resolute in the way that she stands,
Firmer in her beliefs than I thought possible and confident in the unjustified criticism of those around her.
She stands stronger than I ever thought to before,
Leaving her a force that cannot be ignored.
She is unashamed in the way she operates knowing that she has found her place amongst a crowd that cries out she is displaced.
She does not listen to the words they say.
She moves forward in her own way.
She does not give a shit about what they say and that is every clearer with every passing day.
Let them mock her garden,
She will laugh with the fruit of her labor she is holding.
Let them call her a hippie,
She will prove that there is more to her than they might see.
Let them criticise her diet,
She knows the benefits of the health they are denying.
Let them say she is a pale Californian,
She will point out that their view is obscured by the ignorance of their origins.
And let them try to put her down,
She knows that their opinions are unfounded.
She will listen to these hyper critical words that you have to say and she will shoot them down in the most intelligent of ways.
Let them call her gay,
She doesn’t care who you sleep with anyway.
Let them call her a prude,
She knows that there are things she is not willing to do.
Let them call her a bitch,
She will teach you to be careful about what you want to manifest.
Let them be rude,
She will throw it right back at you.
Since she has been through hell and back and still will be the person that you want to attract,
Since her personality shines so brightly that you cannot help but see,
That she is the most badass woman that I have had the pleasure of meeting.
Let them doubt that she has anything to complain about.
Let them see that she has more in which to believe.
Let them doubt that she has the strength.
Let her prove that she has gone to much farther lengths to show that your judgement and assumptions are misplaced.
Let her hear your negativity and she will counter it brilliantly.
Just let her be.
She will show you what you were always missing.
Learn to believe that she is a woman who will succeed otherwise you will be a victim of her conspiracy,
That woman are no weaker than the words they speak.
Let them doubt what I see,
And I will prove that she means the world to me.
Let them say she is too young,
And I will prove that her life is long past just begun.
Let them think that she is falling behind,
And I will prove that she is just biding her time.
Let them think that there is something wrong with her,
And I will prove that she is more brilliant than I could ever conceive.
Let them think this of her,
And I will prove that you are just bored.
Get a life of your own.
Recognize that she has grown.
Stop criticizing what you don’t understand.
Learn to be the first to extend a helping hand.
Stop these assumptions and you might be able to see,
The best version of a confident woman that I could ever wish to be.

I Can Do This

I am up to try.
I can find something on which to rely.
I can make this possible.
Since the only other option is to die.
I am up for this rebuttal,
That has been building as I stumble,
Through all that life has thrown at me,
And I have learned to be more comfortable,
With myself and the dreams I want to see,
Become a true part of me.
I am up to conceive all that I once could not achieve.
Since I finally can recognize,
That progress and success is all up to me.
I can no longer despise,
The way I have operated under the guise,
Of a woman who is too weak,
To be someone who could survive.
I am tired of the secrets I keep,
And cannot look forward to a future that is bleak,
So I am finally up for change,
And an opportunity where the benefits are reaped,
From the hard work I paid,
And all the times that I felt deranged,
While I sought even more,
Than this life can sometimes convey.
I am tired of being bored.
And I can no longer ignore,
The idea that is knocking at my door.
That I could do more than this,
And I could be more than I was before.
I am tired of the reminisce,
And I no longer want to miss,
The calling that I feel deep within,
Or the pull of my own deep abyss.
So bring it on.
I can survive.
And I will show you what it truly means to be alive.