Is This Finally Happening?

You dared to use the B-word with me,
And I dared to actually believe,
That the things you say just might be true,
And the fact is that I am falling for you.
This was so confusing from the beginning,
And I never thought that this would actually develop,
Into something that we can both be in,
And provide each other help with,
To become the people that we both strive to be,
And allow enough space for us to both feel free.
This might be perfect and you might be the man for me,
Because I can’t help but wake up smiling,
And I am tired on continuing denying,
That I have an obvious thing for you,
And I am captivated by the things you do.
I find comfort in your arms,
And safety in your chest,
Allowing my mind to finally rest.
I find it adorable the way you fall asleep,
So soundly on my stomach in just a blink,
Of my eye you once you have nestled into my body,
And I am crushed with the love that you seem to embody,
For my weird ways and sense of play,
And the way you accept me so simply today,
While I was worried about the things I might do,
And the way I am overwhelmed by you,
Because it must be obvious that I am hopelessly lost,
And confused about what to do when I am around you.
But this time I tried being myself,
And this time I felt a shift in what was being felt,
As we talked and played and wasted time away,
And I told you that you were my crack,
While you responded that you hope you would last longer than that,
And I admitted to you my dreams for the future,
While you continued to praise and explore my body even further,
Seeming to kiss my mind and embrace my fears,
Leaving me to wish that I always had you near,
Because you are an influence that I hold dear,
You have a mind that I find brilliant and unusual,
And a will that is strong and able,
To break a stubborn will like mine,
And allow me to finally unwind,
Letting you see who I truly am,
And what this could really be,
While savoring that you used the term “Boyfriend” with me.

Am I Worth Having & Holding?

Yesterday I texted my crush,
And this morning I woke up crushed,
Because I never received a reply,
And the rejection was too overwhelming to deny,
I never thought that I was not something to be desired,
So rejection was something I did not considered.
My perplextion ran deep as I laid my head down to sleep,
Wondering if I was even desirable,
Or instead something to keep at a distance,
Someone who provided too much resistance,
As a woman who can not be claimed,
And a spirit that cannot be tamed.
So instead I will be swallowed up by my own flames,
In a burning pile of frustration and shame,
Never allowing myself to be claimed,
And never seeking the appropriate kind of fame,
The kind in which I am known as a goddess,
And the kind of woman who will accept nothing less.
But this morning I question my ability to receive,
The kind of love and attention that I so obviously need.
Is there really someone out there for me?
Or is lonely the state I am destined to be?
I wonder why I even put myself out there to be rejected,
And why I did not just become a shut-in,
Safe from the world and its interactions,
Guarded by my own destruction.
I wonder why I even continue on with playing this game,
And if the attachment I am seeking is in vain,
Because every man who gets to know me discovers that I am insane.
Maybe I am more trouble than I am worth,
And maybe I was never meant to walk this earth,
Hand in hand with a loving man,
Maybe I am destined to be alone,
Day by day with nothing left to say,
Or even a willingness to complain,
About the state that I got myself into,
And all the options I refused to choose.
Because I can only blame myself,
And it has nothing to do with the men I pursue,
And everything to do with the way I presume,
That I am too good to be touched,
And I am too free to be tied down,
This life is too short to be wasted,
And I refuse to be complacent.
I could be attached if I wanted to,
But that is something I can not yet choose,
Because I wasn’t looking and I wasn’t searching,
And I did not think that it was worth learning,
How to please a variety of men,
And hope that eventually one might take me in,
To call me his own and raise me like a pet,
So that I can claim I am something worth being kept.

I Want Someone To Want Me

I just want to be appreciated.
I want to know that I am loved,
I want to feel that I am watched over,
I just want someone to care.
I want to matter to one individual,
I want to have a mate to my soul,
I just want someone interested in my thoughts.
I want someone who listens,
I want my words to fall on attentive ears,
I just want to never feel like I am speaking to an empty room.
I want someone who notices,
I want a pair of eyes to always be trained on me,
I just want someone to have my back.

I hate this feeling of abandonment from nothing I ever knew,
I hate that I crave dependence,
And I can’t stand that I fantasize over attachment.
I hate that I am my own best supporter,
I hate that I come off as independent,
And I can’t seem to get over the thought of what I am missing.
I hate that I am weak and foolish,
I hate that I desire something so common,
And somehow I can’t stop the thought from emerging.
I hate that I have succumb to the problem of my age,
I hate the assumption that I need to be attached,
And yet I can’t help but agree.

I wish that I could push back these tears,
I wish that I could carry on without fear,
That I might forever be alone.
I wish that I placed priority on dependence,
I wish that I had planned ahead for this inevitable nemesis,
That I might never create what some consider “home”.

But what I really seek and what I must truly speak,
Is that I just want someone to care and I want someone to be there,
I hate that this is a problem that makes me cry and I can’t endure the pressure any longer,
I wish that there was a simple answer that might lead me to the prince I have been longing after.

And forever the answer that I hear in the back of my mind,
The one that is soft and stumble and means to be kind,
Is that I am my own Queen and I must serve me,
And that will allow me to be free.

Someone To Have And To Hold

This was one of those times in her life when she wished she had a boyfriend. The thought did not cross her mind often, but today was one of those days when she wondered how much easier her life would be with someone to loyal support her at all times. She cuddled into her roommate’s dog and whispered these thoughts in his ear for no one else to hear. She asked “Will you go out with me? And love me? And support me?”, to which he responded “Yes” with his eyes to every question.

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