Not Another Missed Connection

I’m happy you called.
We had so much to share since the last time we met I had began to lose track of what I wanted to say to you in my head…
There was the hummingbird that made me think of the time when we were laying on the ground discussing the possibilities unbound.
There was a sunset or two I wanted to share with you.
There were all the times I thought to call but was overwhelmed with the pressure of it all.
There were countless moments when I thought of you and there was nothing I did to follow through…
It wasn’t just when I wanted sex.
And it wasn’t when I was lacking compliments in my head.
It wasn’t when I made actions that I regret.
And it wasn’t when I doubted the words you once said…
It was moments when I wanted to share with you all the thoughts that I have as I lay down to bed…
It was when I remembered that you are my perfect fit…
You are the blue in my sky.
I am the stoner to your metal.
You are the stability I lack.
I am the one who asks you to fight back.
You are the strength in our embrace.
I am the patience that you lack in your ways.
You are the one who I want to fall asleep with.
I am the one that you hopefully dreamed of…
Since we fit together perfectly I am lead to believe that you are the best thing for me.
You are my anti-anxiety medication and also what brings me this pain.
You are the comfort that I seek and also the thought over which I lose sleep.
You could be the missing piece of me if I allow you to be…
I’m happy I saw you.
Thanks for reminding me that you are what I need.
Thanks for calming my anxiety.
Thanks for being the you you are with me.
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What Is Our Status?

I don’t think this needs a label,
In order to make our relationship more stable.
I don’t think this needs to be more,
Than what either one of us went through before.
I don’t think that they see what I see,
That we are in our most comfortable form of reality.
Since we don’t have anyone to conform to,
And we have never followed the rules,
Of the exchange that is supposed to make us relay,
That you are the reason I wake another day.
I don’t think it is the hope that makes me devout,
To the traits that you have no doubt,
Make me crave your company and mind,
And seek out a relationship built on a different kind,
Of trust that I could be someone you love,
Despite not conforming to the expectations others speak of.
I don’t think I am your girlfriend,
But I know that we are more than just friends.
I don’t think we are completely open,
But I assume you are someone on who I can depend.
I don’t think it is true,
That I have gained no respect from you,
Because I am open to something new.
I don’t think that I am convincing myself to believe,
That I am someone who you would never leave,
Out of boredom or a random excuse,
Leaving me to feel more than used,
Since for some reason I have grown to trust you.
I don’t think it is the words you spoke,
And I don’t hold the dream that we will elope,
Since this relationship was not built on fantasy,
And I never gave you a reason to believe,
That this is something you could take seriously.
I don’t think of you idly,
Since I consider you an influence I need,
And someone who fans the fire that burns within me.
I don’t think this is what I expected,
When I was the first one to leave you neglected,
And yet you held a different reaction,
Than what I was expecting when I left.
I don’t think this is a form of emotional theft,
Because I have no feeling of being bereft.
I don’t think this is what I wanted at first,
But I do think you are someone I can learn from at worst.

We Need To Talk

It is good to see you,
I said with a smile,
As I approached you on the street,
Thinking how happy I am to see,
That you have not submitted to defeat.
It is good to feel your embrace,
I thought for a while,
As I allowed myself to be held,
And not distracted by my denial,
That I am someone who you look forward to seeing,
And that I give you another reason to breathe.
It is nice to talk to you,
About nothing and everything,
And the far fetched dreams we both want to pursue.
And in these moments spent like this,
I am the person on who you can depend,
To listen attentively like a friend.
Since I often miss you,
And I think about you frequently,
More often while wondering what it is you see in me,
Since it is always good for me to see you,
And I hope that I can be that for you too.
It is good to speak freely,
About everything and nothing,
Knowing that you’ll listen,
Even if you don’t have a strong interest,
In the topics we use to pass the time.
It is good to know,
That I am the kind,
Of person you might reach out to,
When you are feeling down,
Since I seek the same from you,
And somehow this works out for us both,
Trading the transgressions of which we speak,
And the secrets that we try to keep.
But we have reached a level where I crave this,
Ability to share more than a just a kiss,
Where I open up to you,
And you listen to the words I choose,
Since I often do not speak,
But you bring this out in me,
And you often do not see,
How much this all means to me.
It is good to date again,
And I hope that this might be the beginning,
Of something on which I can grow to depend.
I hope that I don’t scare you,
While speaking this honest truth.

Denied

I made a huge mistake.
I thought that when you relayed,
That you liked me in some way,
That I should be willing to try,
To attempt to be by your side,
So I showed up for you,
To see what you like to do,
And I was rewarded with being ignored,
Passed off to others who did not choose,
To talk to me as my excuse,
To see more of you.
I should have said more,
Or I should have not gone,
Because the vibe I got from you was not strong.
I am not sure you were happy to see me,
And I am not sure that I can really believe,
That you are actually all that into me.
What kills me is this isn’t the first time,
That I have felt I was out of line,
With what you wanted from me,
And what I was willing to be,
Except all other times I thought I was the one lacking,
Any effort to show you that you are worth,
The pursuit of someone as awkward as you now see,
Explaining why you wouldn’t speak to me.
I did not help the situation,
When you gave me the easy option,
To leave and not continue repulsing,
Any attraction you might have left for me,
In times when I did not act so desperately.
I wanted you to see that I put in an effort,
And yet that effort went unfelt,
Making me the target of desperation,
Wishing that I was better at faking,
An excuse to come and see you,
Making it less obvious that I was on the pursuit,
Of your attention alone,
Thinking that I was the only one you invited,
And that I had a reason to try.
But you made it very clear,
That I should have not been here,
Stalking the scene that you’ve kept to yourself,
Knowing that if I wasn’t there you would have felt,
Indifferent to my absence,
And moved on with your tactics,
To hit on other women who do not lack this,
Ability to be confident in their pursuit,
And be able to not chase after you,
But instead have you seek out them,
Because I am not the woman you wanted.
So I apologize for having tried,
And I am sorry that I am even alive,
To inflict you with my unexpected compromise,
To attempt to be someone you are proud to have by your side.
I am sorry that I was there,
When I thought that you would care,
Because this is obviously going nowhere.
I am sorry I dressed up,
Thinking that it would help my confidence some,
Because it only made me more out of place,
And I think you were ashamed to face,
That I followed you here like a puppy,
When I should have seen,
That you were no longer talking to me.
I refuse to take the hint,
And I pursued what I didn’t,
Think I should consider,
As an opportunity to be,
Part of a public we.
I should have stayed at home,
Or I should have picked up my phone,
To give you the opportunity to deny me,
But instead I made you see,
That I want you too desperately.
I am embarrassed about this,
And I am sure you won’t miss,
Having to avoid giving me a kiss,
Because you never said you wanted to claim,
The person that I am,
And you never attempted to hold my hand,
You just moved on from where I stood,
And I saw a different version of you,
One in which you will not admit,
That I can be more than this,
Occasional piece of ass that you hit,
And someone you are proud to stand with.
But I gave you that opportunity and you denied it,
Making rejection something that I once again have to live with.

Regret in Retrospect

You don’t seem to know me,
As far as I can see,
You just seem to know my body.
I could be called a slampiece,
Or I could be serving your every need,
But the reality is still a mystery to me.
I can’t seem to tell if this is the truth,
Or a distrust that is continued on from youth,
That leads me to believe I am being used.
I never allow myself to become attached,
To any person I feel lacks,
The ability to see how I react.
Yet I hide my reaction from others,
And refuse to allow you to smother,
Me with the kind of attention I seek,
And truly listen to the words I speak.
Since I am uncomfortable with that kind of attention,
And I never learned to let people in,
To discover who I am as a person.
I never give others the chance to earn,
A position where they have a turn,
To surprise me with the support they provide,
And to listen instead to the thoughts they have raging inside.
Since I am too self-obsessed,
And you are doing your best,
To allow me a moment of rest,
By offering me something else to consider,
To which I respond with a bitter,
Resentment that you do not already know where I stand,
When I did not give you a fighting chance.
I hate that you do not know me,
But I hate even more that I cannot be,
The kind of person who extends an apology,
For the chances I never gave you,
And the things I have put you through,
While I was only focusing on what I saw,
And I was making it out to all be your fault.

Is This Finally Happening?

You dared to use the B-word with me,
And I dared to actually believe,
That the things you say just might be true,
And the fact is that I am falling for you.
This was so confusing from the beginning,
And I never thought that this would actually develop,
Into something that we can both be in,
And provide each other help with,
To become the people that we both strive to be,
And allow enough space for us to both feel free.
This might be perfect and you might be the man for me,
Because I can’t help but wake up smiling,
And I am tired on continuing denying,
That I have an obvious thing for you,
And I am captivated by the things you do.
I find comfort in your arms,
And safety in your chest,
Allowing my mind to finally rest.
I find it adorable the way you fall asleep,
So soundly on my stomach in just a blink,
Of my eye you once you have nestled into my body,
And I am crushed with the love that you seem to embody,
For my weird ways and sense of play,
And the way you accept me so simply today,
While I was worried about the things I might do,
And the way I am overwhelmed by you,
Because it must be obvious that I am hopelessly lost,
And confused about what to do when I am around you.
But this time I tried being myself,
And this time I felt a shift in what was being felt,
As we talked and played and wasted time away,
And I told you that you were my crack,
While you responded that you hope you would last longer than that,
And I admitted to you my dreams for the future,
While you continued to praise and explore my body even further,
Seeming to kiss my mind and embrace my fears,
Leaving me to wish that I always had you near,
Because you are an influence that I hold dear,
You have a mind that I find brilliant and unusual,
And a will that is strong and able,
To break a stubborn will like mine,
And allow me to finally unwind,
Letting you see who I truly am,
And what this could really be,
While savoring that you used the term “Boyfriend” with me.

Am I Worth Having & Holding?

Yesterday I texted my crush,
And this morning I woke up crushed,
Because I never received a reply,
And the rejection was too overwhelming to deny,
I never thought that I was not something to be desired,
So rejection was something I did not considered.
My perplextion ran deep as I laid my head down to sleep,
Wondering if I was even desirable,
Or instead something to keep at a distance,
Someone who provided too much resistance,
As a woman who can not be claimed,
And a spirit that cannot be tamed.
So instead I will be swallowed up by my own flames,
In a burning pile of frustration and shame,
Never allowing myself to be claimed,
And never seeking the appropriate kind of fame,
The kind in which I am known as a goddess,
And the kind of woman who will accept nothing less.
But this morning I question my ability to receive,
The kind of love and attention that I so obviously need.
Is there really someone out there for me?
Or is lonely the state I am destined to be?
I wonder why I even put myself out there to be rejected,
And why I did not just become a shut-in,
Safe from the world and its interactions,
Guarded by my own destruction.
I wonder why I even continue on with playing this game,
And if the attachment I am seeking is in vain,
Because every man who gets to know me discovers that I am insane.
Maybe I am more trouble than I am worth,
And maybe I was never meant to walk this earth,
Hand in hand with a loving man,
Maybe I am destined to be alone,
Day by day with nothing left to say,
Or even a willingness to complain,
About the state that I got myself into,
And all the options I refused to choose.
Because I can only blame myself,
And it has nothing to do with the men I pursue,
And everything to do with the way I presume,
That I am too good to be touched,
And I am too free to be tied down,
This life is too short to be wasted,
And I refuse to be complacent.
I could be attached if I wanted to,
But that is something I can not yet choose,
Because I wasn’t looking and I wasn’t searching,
And I did not think that it was worth learning,
How to please a variety of men,
And hope that eventually one might take me in,
To call me his own and raise me like a pet,
So that I can claim I am something worth being kept.

I Want Someone To Want Me

I just want to be appreciated.
I want to know that I am loved,
I want to feel that I am watched over,
I just want someone to care.
I want to matter to one individual,
I want to have a mate to my soul,
I just want someone interested in my thoughts.
I want someone who listens,
I want my words to fall on attentive ears,
I just want to never feel like I am speaking to an empty room.
I want someone who notices,
I want a pair of eyes to always be trained on me,
I just want someone to have my back.

I hate this feeling of abandonment from nothing I ever knew,
I hate that I crave dependence,
And I can’t stand that I fantasize over attachment.
I hate that I am my own best supporter,
I hate that I come off as independent,
And I can’t seem to get over the thought of what I am missing.
I hate that I am weak and foolish,
I hate that I desire something so common,
And somehow I can’t stop the thought from emerging.
I hate that I have succumb to the problem of my age,
I hate the assumption that I need to be attached,
And yet I can’t help but agree.

I wish that I could push back these tears,
I wish that I could carry on without fear,
That I might forever be alone.
I wish that I placed priority on dependence,
I wish that I had planned ahead for this inevitable nemesis,
That I might never create what some consider “home”.

But what I really seek and what I must truly speak,
Is that I just want someone to care and I want someone to be there,
I hate that this is a problem that makes me cry and I can’t endure the pressure any longer,
I wish that there was a simple answer that might lead me to the prince I have been longing after.

And forever the answer that I hear in the back of my mind,
The one that is soft and stumble and means to be kind,
Is that I am my own Queen and I must serve me,
And that will allow me to be free.

Someone To Have And To Hold

This was one of those times in her life when she wished she had a boyfriend. The thought did not cross her mind often, but today was one of those days when she wondered how much easier her life would be with someone to loyal support her at all times. She cuddled into her roommate’s dog and whispered these thoughts in his ear for no one else to hear. She asked “Will you go out with me? And love me? And support me?”, to which he responded “Yes” with his eyes to every question.

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