Where did this depression come from? What am I doing? Why do I think that I have to change everything? I am tired of me. I am tired of this. I am fucking tired of being depressed. I claim a natural predisposition but do nothing to work against it. I claim to do everything to help myself, but face none of my demons. I claim to seek healing, but secretly pray for it to get the best of me. I want to be validated. I want confirmation that I am crazy. I want nothing more than to be someone else’s problem. Can you solve my depression? Can you give me a reason every day to continue living? Can you convince me that I am worth saving? What influences am I blaming now? Who holds the key to changing my life for the positive? When can I meet them? What can they share that I am missing? I am sick. This is unnatural. I am looking for so much more. Scouring my brain for the answer. This has gotten the best of me. I have no idea what direction I am facing. Or why I continue rhyming. I lost track of my writing. I am off pace with everything that once meant the world to me. I hate feeling this way. I would rather be manic in the other direction. I cannot imagine a life without depression. I don’t know why it still surprises me. I know that I can influence the way I am living. There is hope. I just don’t want to see it. There is an opportunity for healing. I just don’t want to initiate it. I am tired. Exhausted. There is no reason for this. I know I am missing. I can feel the depression. It starts in my stomach. Then travels up to my lungs. I am coughing up the hope that I once thought to hold. It moves through my veins. Controls my brain. It doesn’t allow me to eat. I feel irrational hate for everything. I want to hide. I am already tired of this method of healing. I want to vomit up everything. My body hates me. And I hate it. A fucked up version of a symbiotic relationship. All I am doing is watching the clock. Waiting for the timer to go off. To release me from exploring my own thoughts. I don’t like where this is going. I hate that I am prone to this. I am helpless. And lying to myself. I know how to resolve this. Just eat something. Just move your body. Just allow some form of release. Don’t overthink it. Just go to the store. Get the medicine. Open your mouth then just listen. Your phrasing is negative. Your tone is angry. You just need a break. This is understandable. You are assuming the worst. You are looking for an excuse to hate everything. You need to finally get counselling. Stop bitching. Stop complaining. Accept you are changing. Know this will take time. Go back to the basics. Walk your dog. Eat. Sleep. Don’t worry. Accept the struggle. Let it go. Drop what is not working. And be kind to yourself. You are living.
I should have listened to Mother. I should have seen the way that she always struggled. I should have recognized these traits in me. I should have known that I would inherit them immediately. Reproduction is a form of cloning. I am just a copy of who raised me. She did not mean to. She did not raise me to. She did not realize what she had to do. I showed signs of anxiety for as long as I remember. She showed signs of anxiety before it was commonly accepted. I have the tendency for depression. She was the one on who I depended. She was the one who gave depression to me. But it was not her choice. It happened genetically. Her chromosomes were intertwined with a man who lived life lightly. She was balanced out by a Y chromosome who liked to sing. She attempted to pass on better traits to me. But I was not so lucky. I inherited the double X that came with genetic anxiety. I grew up hating parties. I was raised hiding in corners. But I was unaware of what I was born with. I was taught it was normal to struggle with socializing. I assumed it was common to struggle with eating. I thought that most children struggled with speaking. But it was just me. And the woman who raised me. I should have seen her as a friend from the beginning. I should have known that we could connect so deeply. I should have asked her about the lessons she is still learning. She is the woman who gave this to me. But she also gave me the hope that I will succeed at living. She is still alive. She is still thriving. She has survived. I can learn so much from the genetics that created this. And I can gain so much more from accepting that this is the way it is. I cannot change the problems I was born with. But I can learn to live a better life with them. I can follow in her footsteps. I can raise a human with love and devotion. I can learn to work through the depression. I can get help and medication. I can be where this cycle ends. Thanks to the woman who taught me how to live.
The evidence is right before you.
It is in the ashtrays scattered and filled to the brim,
It is the clothes spread across your bedroom,
It is in the way that you have forgotten to call anyone who means anything to you.
The outcome is clear.
It is in the cough that fills the bathroom,
It is in the isolation that you have grown used to,
It is interactions that are new to you.
The result is frustration.
It is in the way that you say things,
It is in the negative tone you are wishing would lessen,
It is the true tell signs of depression,
It is the way that you are sleeping for days,
It is in the way that you get lost in the words you have to say,
It is in the way that you get so easily distracted in one place.
The truth is laid before you.
It is the way you choose to pass the time,
It is the way that you criticize your ever searching mind,
It is in the ways in which to yourself you are unkind.
The solution will take time.
It is whispering in the back of your mind,
It is aching to be heard,
It is the voice you have previously ignored,
It is the patience that you reserve for all others besides yourself,
It is the secret to good health,
It is what you wished you would have always felt.
The change is within your grasp.
It is your choice how you react,
It is your voice that you have to impact,
It is your mind that you have to entrap,
It is your mistakes you have to look past.
The choice is yours.
It is depression or resilience,
It is anxiety or boldness,
It is in how you choose to control this,
It is reminiscing upon the past and looking to the future,
It is accepting experience and moving forward,
It is feeling lost and looking closer,
It is accepting that you are not broken.
Lazy Piece Of Shit.
Unmotivated Sack Of Bones.
Worthless Whiney Bitch.
You wanted this.
This is the change that you manifested.
This is when you should be at your best.
But you had to go and get high instead.
Habitual Fuck Up.
Undeserving Of Love.
You know this.
You see the evidence.
This is what you’re up against.
Bold And Brave.
Willing To Take No Shit.
This is what you were born this.
This is how you’ve made it.
Hard Working Survivor.
Destined For So Much More.
This is what you choose to believe in.
Don’t Lose Hope.
Look For The Silver Lining.
Learn How To Cope.
This is how you continue on.