You Came Back

I had a dream about you while traveling…

It felt cold and distant, and yet too real for me to forgive…

I was there with you, interacting just like we used to…

you were cracking a joke and I responded with sarcasm, it was something cheesy that you said, but the fact of that did not get under my skin, we were just sitting talking, catching up about nothing…

and yet I’ve clung desperately to this image, not wanting it to fade and go missing, trying my hardest to always remember this dream…

you came back from the dead, casually appearing in the dreamscape I was living in, it was so real that it was almost torture to experience…

and yet I found comfort in your presence, laughing about a topic that I can’t seem to put a finger on, but that was not the point of this interaction, with no one else present, it was like our drives to school way back when…

before the day when I lost everything, changing the reality I ended up experiencing…

and yet it seemed so normal, to be sitting across a table, in place that felt familiar, and yet so distant, as a figment of my imagination…

we were catching up, there was recognition of your passing, and yet there you were in front of me, as real as my dream allowed you to be…

you never explained anything, never gave a reason for you disappearing, but there you were in front of me, seemingly still breathing…

I asked so many questions…

where were you hiding? why did you take so much time to return? why did this happen?…

and yet I felt no anger for being abandoned, no misjustice from you dying, no disservice in this lie to your family, I forgave you almost instantly, in disbelief that you had come back to me…

I didn’t even think about the rest of my family, if you had taken a moment to reveal to them that you are still living, the occurred to me, but I felt like I could not yet ask such a thing…

we avoided the topic, and I seemed to just keep talking, catching you up on everything that had happened, the way that I’ve been living…

we kept it light, as if barely any time had passed, as if you had been watching out for me the whole time still, looking in on what you were missing, watching from above, and yet existing in this reality…

it made no sense to me, but sense was not what I was seeking, I was too thankful to have you back and breathing…

then an old friend reached out to me, and I answered the phone casually, making eye contact with you the whole time while talking, and the thought occurred to me, that you might want to say your greetings, since you were the connection between us, what brought us together when we were so young, before everything happened…

I paused and asked if it would be weird, and you nodded as if to say that it was too soon, that I should keep your existence still hidden…

I was confused but easily accepted it, saying my goodbyes to the friend I will never talk to again, spending my last few precious moments with you…

before I had to wake up again…

My Waking Dreams

I am the Star of mediocrity,

the Queen of accepting defeat,

the Leader of those who speak too quietly.

I am a Celebrity without a name,

Progress without the change,

and the Reason none of you came.

I am a Friend without dependance,

a Partner who transcends this,

and a Preacher of opportunities missed.

I am the Negativity that feeds me,

the Pessimism I don’t need,

resisting the Freedom of which I don’t dare to speak.

I am Trying,

I am Lying,

I am Dying slowly.

I am the Evidence,

the Resistance,

All that is missing.

I am the Cause for which no one fights,

the Result of too many vices,

and the Memory of someone I once thought was alive.

I am Struggling,

I am Wishing hopelessly,

I am Aiming, shooting,

and the one who is left bleeding.

I am the Enemy,

I support my own Fallacies,

and I operate Carelessly.

I fight Waking,

I Resist resolving,

I cannot admit that I am the Problem.

I am overarching Expectations,

I incorporate Anxiety into this,

and pick out what I am Missing.

Fuck it, I have Lost it, I am Destroyed from within.

I am Hope laced with realism,

Dreams outlined by cynicism,

I am Nothing I wanted in the end.

I am the Nightmare that never ends,

the Answer I continue questioning,

and the reason I am still Searching.

I am the Beginning,

Middle,

and End.

What I Want To Dream When I Grow Up

I overheard people telling me to quit my dreams, that they will never be something I can actually pursue, that they have taken years and a degrees and still don’t know how to follow through. I am certain that they are wrong about me, I know what I am facing, I know this will take years of practice and that I will be rejected more than once, I know I can do this though, I will continue to follow through. The key to it all is to do it for me, to be persistent in my dreams, to know that I believe in myself, and that is the first step towards doing what I want. I know that there are many who have gone before me, and there are even more who will never succeed, I know that this is a far-fetched dream. But I also know that I am persistent, obsessive to a fault, and determined to be competitive. I know that I practice daily, I continue failing, but I pick myself up and try again. I know that this could take years to achieve, that I am already behind in ages of experience, that I could have dreamed my whole life about this. But this dream came to me naturally, it grew steadily, and I learned to instill belief in it. I learned to listen to what was coming up, embrace the healing process with love, and do this for no one else besides myself. These words mean everything, this paper is where I see myself clearly, this effort is not missed on me. I will keep trying, I will do this for me, and I will continue pressing on tirelessly. Even if this practice leads me nowhere tangible, I will know that I have to continue working, I will continue serving my mind and my emotions, I will adopt various tones, and allow them to resonate in my being, seeing where this practice will lead me. I will continue to press on for no one besides me, I will continue forever working, this is my new obsession. I will focus on the healing process, trying new approaches in my practice, being forever open to new tactics. I have this. Don’t allow the doubt to sink in, don’t allow your consciousness to respond negatively, don’t allow the self-inflicted ego to get the best of me.

Tell Me Your Secrets

What is your debate? How are you struggling to relate? There is a catch for everyone. What do you do that makes your soul go numb? How would you rather be spending your time? Is there something that captures your mind? Is there an idea that you just can’t let go of? Is there something that you’ve been meaning to grow? What will it take to make you willing to share this? What will I have to say in order for you to relay this dream? Is it worth keeping? What direction are you leaning in? Letting us in on this secret? Or insisting on continuing to keep it? What could the truth be to you? What am I missing that you do? Is there a hobby that occupies your time? Or a thought that fills your mind? What do you obsess over in your free time? What luxury are you debating? What risks are you considering taking?

Breathe in and say it with me — this could be the freedom we were seeking.

Listen carefully. Do you hear that whispering? Could it be what you were thinking? Can it be something worth considering? What are you placing your trust in? What are you allowing to take over? How will you choose to be bolder? This risk is worth it. The fear will no longer be controlling. You will continue learning. Work harder towards what you want to be earning. This life is too short to continue ignoring. Drop your complacency and listen to me.

You will change slowly. You can do more than you think.

What direction are you dreaming in? What are the needs on which you depend? How will you become even more open? How will you no longer suffer? How will you change what is coming? How will you embrace the possibility to be more?

The answer is something I look forward to. I can’t wait to see what you can do. I believe in you.

I know you can do it. I will always support this dream of your doing. Dreams are what keep us alive. They are what give us our drive. They will always take more time. But I will be there waiting. I will look for signs of your improvement. I will encourage what you are doing. I will be your biggest support. Because I have been there before. I have suffered with the best of them. And I will change my suffering in the end. I will grow to be more open. I will change the pace of what I am doing.

I will improve this life that I am living. Because it is the only one that I am given.

It is my only shot at happiness. This is all I was given to work with. I have no advantage over you. I admire all that you do and am working towards being proud of what I do. We all are struggling through. So what is the point of this life long debate? What am I working on saying? What am I working towards claiming? What will be the name you know?

Only time and hard work will show the truth. I am sure of this.

So what will you do with this gift?

Living The Dream

How did I get here?

And what am I doing?

How did this happen?

And who decided to trust me?

What do other people see in me that I don’t?

And how do I keep ending up with responsibility?

What is it within me that keeps on going?
And how do I thrive on a lack of sleep and a night filled with seemingly impossible dreams?
Who said that I can’t do this?
And why did I ever think that I never deserved recognition?
How can I continue on in life and not demand the attention I deserve?
And can I really be proud of anything I don’t set my mind to?
Who said this kind of life was not possible?
And who said that dreams don’t come true?

The dreams I dream are achievable,
And the life I want to live is within my reach.
The feeling of achievement is not foreign to me,
But the joy of celebration is something I rarely allow myself to feel.
Because I know I can always do better,
And I know I can always do more,
I know I draw my own limits in life,
And I feel the pressure of my ability to dream exponentially.
I know this life holds experience I am unaware of,
And I know that there will always be a will for me to carry on,
Because I can’t imagine life without the chase,
And I don’t know where I would be without my dreams,
That keep my feet moving and keep my brain churning,
And the fire within me forever burning,
And the mind within me forever yearning,
For the life that I breath into myself.

How can I not continue on?
And how can I not accept this opportunity?
What is a life without challenge?
And who said that dreams were reserved for fairy tales and children?
How can I not embrace this wonderful change?
And how can I not celebrate the person I know me to be?

The Curse of Dreaming

I don’t know what I am writing about any more and I have no idea what direction I am headed in. The two appear to go hand in hand. Once I lose track of my inner compass than all hope is lost for what I project and create in the world I function in. My college best friend visiting helped remind me of where I came from, but after three days of talking, I still don’t know what direction I am truly headed in. We discussed our dreams and the possibilities and have plans for years down the road, but I still don’t know what I will be doing tomorrow. I know eventually where I want to end up, but finding the next step to take seems impossibly overwhelming, so instead I stepped back into the bottle this weekend — and the worst part was that it felt good. Nostalgia made me want to become the person I used to identify myself as, the one who could drink half a bottle of Jameson and rally the troops for a good old fashioned dance party. I loved being that person in costume again who was the life of the party and attracted all male eyes in the room. I miss dancing on tables and meeting new people every night. I wish I had money to carelessly spend from a job that I couldn’t care less about. I want to be healthy, but a larger part of me wants the easy way out and to not allow fun to pass me by in life. I am young and reckless still and I have the luxury of being able to afford it now. I know it won’t last for long, and that one day I will look up from a bottle and wonder yet again where all of the time has gone and crave for it to be returned to me versus forgotten in the dark corner of a bar. I want to strike a balance but I have always been into indulging extremes. I love and hate that person I was known as in college, and I can’t stop talking about her. I love telling her stories and reminiscing on the audacious things she said. I wish I could reunite with her over something besides a bottle of whiskey but that seems to be the only thing that draws her out. I know I am past the point of no longer caring about my body, but it is so easy to forget that over the course of a drunken weekend. I have dreams that I don’t want to discuss when intoxicated and those dreams start to slip away the longer I slip into oblivion. I start to second guess myself with every decision to sip on a bottle, but grow more confident in my decision to not care the longer I do it. I see how addiction can run deep, yet I want to continue testing the water. I wake up knowing nothing more than that I am hungover and I am satisfied with that. I am fine with a reality that I live one day at a time, until it has happened too many days in a row — until the haze has began to overtake reality and I am lost in a fog that never seems to clear. I am terrified of and love drinking, and I hit my biggest highs and lows in moments when I have a bottle of Jameson in my hand. I brag about my practice of self-hate as if it is a badge to wear in my twenties in order to distract others from the fact that there are bigger dreams I am not accomplishing. I pretend that finishing a bottle of whiskey is my biggest life goal for the evening, and I fully commit to my purpose. Dreams no longer exist in the face of drunken stupor and it lulls my mind into peace versus aggravating it the way I do when I am sober. It used to numb the pain but now I know that it is only deepening the wound and I can’t seem to care about the consequences. What has happened to me? Or has this always been happening? I want to cry and drink and hide from myself in the face of others. I want to pretend like I don’t have issues and that every day is a happy go lucky experience. I think that if I can fool others than maybe I can also fool myself. I know these things aren’t true, but it has never stopped me from trying. I want to speak the truth and never know what it is all at the same time. I try too hard to hide my struggle from others when I should be facing it with their support. I have the kind of friends who will support me through anything, yet I do not allow them to. I want to wallow. I want to struggle. And I want to always remember that I am not perfect and I never will be. I want to only invite love into my life, but I want to hate myself while doing it. I want to be a pillar of support for others but I want to crumble when it comes to facing my own challenges. I want to be everything any man ever dreamed of, and never give myself the chance to be happy with anyone. I know I deserve better in life, but there is a part of me that never wants to obtain it. I want to spite myself in spite of others and say that I meant to do it all along — because there is a part of me that does mean to do it. I don’t know why it exists no matter how much I have tried to stomp it out or understand its existence. I wish I could wake up a better person, but I never see any amount of change when I look at myself in the mirror in the morning. I applaud and tear down myself all in one fell swoop of a glance, and am left to move on with my day in a state of confusion with no clear purpose. What is wrong with me? And why do I always have to ask that question? Why can’t I be happy with reality and move the fuck on with my life? Why do I always have to dream?