You Embrace The Unimaginable

I could have never made the prediction,
That you would become such a vision,
Of motherly ways and a beautiful wife.
I could have never imagined that ours years of youth,
Would be cut off and yet reborn in you.
Since I never thought that we would split paths,
And I never considered that you could pass,
Me in the understanding of what it is to truly love,
And how you have risen above,
The pressures of what a mother must be,
And the reality that you can see.
You could have seen this as a burden,
And I would have noticed you hurting,
If this is not what you were truly meant to do.
But you have proven that this is you.
You could have never told me that this is what you wanted,
Since I was always the last supporter of what I doubted,
Would bring you so much happiness,
And allow you to move past,
The youth that I shared with you,
And what we dreamed we could do.
You could have never told me that I was wrong,
And that you were moving on,
To live a life that you always wanted,
Instead of one in which you are desponded.
Since I never listened to your truths,
And I always denied that you could be someone who I could relate to.
Since I never saw that we came from the same background,
But  I am thankful you are a friend I’ve found,
Since you taught me how to accept,
That this life is best lived without the regret,
Of the mistakes we made while young,
And the things I said when I hadn’t learned to hold my tongue.
I was always able to speak the truth with you,
Since you always understood,
That despite having different goals,
The path we each followed would hold,
Exactly what we were searching for.
I would never exchange those nights spent,
Eating Doritos and getting inside of your head,
Talking about everything and nothing,
While not realizing that you were already mothering,
The full grown child that I once was.
You listened and cared about cause,
Of what I thought was the root of it all,
When the source of my issues did not matter,
Since I could resolve my troubles with our idle chatter.
You were always there to listen,
And although that is something I am now missing,
Due to time and space and living in a different place.
It makes me smile to know,
That the love and patience that you once showed,
Me will be passed on to the child who has made you complete.

I Needed You To See Me

Thank you for listening,
But you seemed to be missing the point,
Where I no longer wanted to speak of my troubles,
And right now I do not want to seek a rebuttal.
I have always struggled with this,
And this is not the first time I have caved to blackness.
I have always been depressed,
But now you will not allow that piece of me to rest.
You want to discuss the feelings that I cannot trust,
And you want to heal the wounds I so honestly display,
But that is not the reaction I was seeking when I said,
That I have been spending too much time inside my own head.
And I have been struggling with feelings I want to put to rest.
But this struggle has always existed,
I just have always resisted the pressure to speak of what troubles me,
And the reasons for which I no longer want to breathe.
I have always been silent and when it comes to my belief,
In the thoughts that will not allow me to sleep.
This is something I have always gone through,
And something that you are beginning to view,
As a piece of me and a part of the person you see me to be.
Depression has always resided in my mind,
And this is just another time when I struggle to stay alive.
But you are starting to see this side of me,
And I apologize for shaking your belief,
That I am a strong and happy and filled with life,
And someone who can prove to survive.
I am sorry that I have shared the truth,
That that is not just a trait of my youth,
But something that I continue to struggle through.
I am sorry that I am not the best friend you thought you had,
And that I prove to be more than just occasionally sad.
But I know that this is of no consequence to you,
Since this is something you have also been through.
I know that you will stand by my side,
No matter what battle I might have waging on the inside,
Since you have shown your loyalty through all of this,
And you still want to understand what it is,
That upsets the person I strive to be,
And you want to be the person who can change my belief.
You want to see me heal,
And you are my reminder every year,
That I have grown in ways I did not expect,
And I have gone further than I planned to transgress.
You are my biggest support,
And my favorite cohort,
In the mischief this life presents,
And the actions of which I do not repent.
You are my best friend,
And I should listen to you in the end,
Since all you want for me is to see,
The person that you love me to be.

You Progress While I Transgress

What made us part ways?
Was it the words I never spoke?
Or was it the actions that I failed to take?
And what makes me accept the blame?
When you are so far away and have no valid claim against me?
What makes me feel this guilt?
When the phone can go both ways and you never call me either?
What can I do to save this friendship?
What is it that I possibly missed?
How can you be so justified in your disgruntled behavior?
When it take two people to form a friendship?
And you seem to have taken the same passive attempt?
What makes me feel this nagging pain?
Over a relationship that I could have saved?
When you could have tried and reached out too?

I think I know the answers to the questions I speak.
And I think I can understand that resistance you keep,
Against me and the person I have become.
I think I know why you need distance,
And I understand that we were bound to grow apart,
When our friendship began so young.
Since we have not yet become the people we will be,
I understand that you needed space to discover who you are,
And I needed the same to get this far.
I also know that we could have kept this alive,
If one of us had actually tried.
But we let our friendship fall and we took for granted our chances to call,
Leaving us in the state we currently reside,
Where neither one of us are by the other’s side.

It kills me to say that I lost a friend,
And one who once understood me better than anyone else.
It makes me cringe when I think about my actions,
And the way I carelessly lost track of our friendship.
It forces me to tears to consider losing you,
And I am not sure what to do anymore.
Since you meant so much to me it is hard to express,
And yet I know that there is something between us creating distance.
You were the friend I had in my greatest time of need,
And you were the person who I could count on to get me through.
You were the strength I once possessed,
Showing me that I could work for more than what I was given.
You were once the reason I remained alive,
But the pressure of that friendship may have become too much.

I realize that we lost track of each other years ago,
And we stopped connecting in obvious ways,
I was depressed while you remained motivated,
And I got high while you found a reason to try.
While I embraced my chaos,
You set achievable goals,
And while I lost control you were working even more.
I once knew what it was like to be you,
Driven and focused in my mission to accomplish,
Everything that I set my mind to and everything I was told to do.
I once followed the rules of others,
And I once found it to be worthwhile.
But while you continued on with the life we were once promised,
I moved on to living a life I least expected.

I lost everything once,
And you were there to remind me I didn’t,
Because you were by my side no matter what I went through.
I don’t know when this changed,
But my best guess would be the day,
When I showed you my true struggles,
And you looked down on me in sympathy and a hint of disgust,
Never being able to understand where I was coming from.
So what makes me accept all of the blame?
When you ended this with a look of confusion,
About the person that I had become and the things I have done?
What makes me accept all of the guilt?
When you were also supposed to be there for me,
And you were supposed to understand that sometimes I need,
Support from one of my best friends,
And acceptance from someone I thought I would call sister until the end.
But I should have recognized that you stopped understanding me,
The moment my life changed drastically.

What I Would Say If I Could

You sit and bitch about what life has handed you,
But you do nothing about it.
You disclaim that you are suicidal,
But you see no reason to live life at the moment.
You say that you want more out of this life,
But you do nothing to go get it.
You whine, complain and put those around you down in a pursuit to justify where you stand.
You seek sympathy when I have none left to give.
Because you made choices that got you to where you are today.
And you had plenty of time to fix what you saw as broken.
You had support from me and an example of what change can truly be,
Yet you still refused to work for it,
And you never gave me credit for the work I did.
You see that my life has changed and you cannot deny that I have changed,
Yet you are still in the same place that I left you three years ago,
Suffering and complaining and unintentionally insulting all the hard work I put into life.
You make off handed comments that put me down and make me feel guilty for initiating change.
You demean my work experience and status that I worked so many years to obtain.
You claim woe-is-me when life doesn’t work out the way you had hoped,
But never admit that it might be you who is the cause of your woes.
You have been handed so much in life,
Yet you still claim to be robbed of so much more,
While here I am working to clean up after myself,
And am taken for granted when I clean up after you as well.
I have handed you everything for the past few years and you have handed nothing back,
I found a place to live,
I worked jobs I hated to pay our bills,
And I sacrificed a life I could have built to build one that supported you.
You never asked me to,
But with a true friend you should never have to.
I have been that true friend,
And you have been the only friend who takes me for granted.
So it’s time for you to finally figure it out.
I will listen and I will provide support,
But the time has come for you to finally figure your shit out.
I cannot do it for you,
And I won’t even attempt to,
Because I can no longer take care of you,
And you should no longer want me to.
You should want to pick yourself up and carry on,
And you should crave this inevitable change.
You are 29 and it is time,
To finally take charge of the life you call your own.
You should finally own up to what you want,
And you should finally put your head down and work for what that is,
You should accept no excuse for delay,
And you should be your own biggest motivator.
I cannot play that role for you,
And I cannot stress myself out with your lack of progress for much longer.
It is time for you to take charge.
I will listen and I will provide sympathy,
Because at the root of that is empathy,
And I have walked where you are walking,
And I have struggled through what you are facing,
And I am the one person who can truly feel the pain you feel.
But you have never listened to me when I speak,
And you have never taken my words as wisdom,
And you do not want to learn from my experiences,
Because all you seek is sympathy,
And empathy is nothing you have ever attempted,
And I am tired of being taken for granted,
And I am exhausted by putting you first,
And it is time for me to move on whether you like it or not,
And it is time for you to do the same.
Because I am done with this shit,
And I am done with your complaining,
And I am done attempting to relate to someone who only seeks sympathy and never takes action,
Because when I was that same person,
You were not there to help me.
You did not spend the time to listen to my struggle,
And although this is not about keeping score,
The score board is clear that I have been doing this for years,
And it is time for you to put some points on the board if you want me to continue to stick around,
Because I do not take friends who take me for granted lightly,
And I no longer stand for that kind of emotional abuse from anyone but my mother,
And although you will always be my brother,
You have proved that you will not always be my friend.
But that’s not what matters in the end.
What matters is what you prove to yourself,
And what frustrates me is that there is nothing you can be proud of,
Because you were never challenged,
And you never tried,
And I don’t know what keeps you motivated inside.
So, I love you and I care for you,
But this is where the sympathy ends.
This is where it’s all on you,
And this is when you must find something to do.
It could be cleaning or cooking,
Volunteering or working,
Fanciful or practical,
Demeaning or up lifting.
You just have to do something.
You have to move on.
It is time for change,
Or at least it is for me,
Because I cannot take this pressure any longer,
And you should no longer want to bestow it on me.
I was never you mother and I was never your lover,
And I do not know what I am getting out of this friendship any longer,
Besides a comfort in a lack of change,
And an excuse for being deranged.
So this is when it ends,
And this is where you should begin,
Because this is when I make my exit,
And I do it without regret,
Because you had years to ask my for advice,
And I had years of being dragged down by your strife,
But I won’t take it any longer,
And you can fall or you can follow,
It makes no difference to me,
Because now I am finally allowing myself to be free.

Please Understand Where I Came From

It took me years to have confidence in myself, and strength to have confidence in my shortcomings. It takes me months to come around and stand by my decisions, and it takes all I have inside of me not to give up on myself. I worked so hard to get to where I am standing today, and it will take me years more to continue cultivating that strength. Because it took just one sentence from someone I love to tear my whole world down to nothing. I don’t hate him for the words he spoke. And I do not resent him for his unawareness of the effect of what he said. I cannot ask him to take those words back, but I cannot help but want to point out the error in his ways. What I do hate is that the second thought never occurred to him and the reflex to evaluate his own words did not kick in. But still, I cannot resent him for not experiencing the same things that I have in life. I cannot blame him for never working a job that demeaned his sense of self and I do not wish that he know what it is like to be reflexively talked down to. I just wish that one of my best friends understood where I am coming from.

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The Only Opinion That Matters

Today was the day he made her see that she had changed — for the better or worse was still to be determined, but she had indeed changed. There was a stark difference between the way she spent her time these days. She was out of the house constantly, would return home exhausted and smoke herself to sleep in order to wake up and do it all over again. She was raising her voice more often and visibly frustrated with whatever she experienced while she was away from home. She was packing suitcases and unpacking them again just to allow them to sit on her floor for a week and be packed up again. She was always tired yet always moving and she never seemed to stop and play fetch anymore. She was finally moving again and she had finally admitted defeat to the strain of boredom. Continue reading

Holding Steadfast in a Sea of Change

He could see her struggling to keep track of who she is and not allow her new routine to cloud her perceptions. She had spent months with him living as they pleased and not caring about the influences of the outside world. They did not care about living what was considered a normal life style and instead momentarily lived one that suited each of their needs instead. Continue reading

A True Friend

Mo was disappointed that he did not go on the hike his favorite hiking human obviously went on for the day. And instead he was left at home with his favorite human — an inactive person in comparison to him during the years when Mo was still a puppy. An outside observer could say that they had simply grown old together and that their relationship had naturally changed. But Mo was still just as active as he ever was and had just as much energy as he did in his youth when properly provoked. Instead it was apparent that he mirrored the needs and habits of his human. When his human settled into video games for the day, Mo settled in underneath his desk so that they could still spend quality time together. And when his human decided to spend hours on the couch watching Netflix, Mo cuddled up next to him in order to maintain contact. When his human decided to pick up a smoking habit, Mo slowed his pace in order to match the slow progression of his human along the trails. And when the only time his human spent outside was for a cigarette break, he took advantage of those moments and soaked up the sun and fresh air as best he could in five brief minutes at a time. Mo was patient with his human as he watched him grow old beyond his years and age earlier than expected. And despite being a Border Collie and more energetic by nature, he toned his natural enthusiasm down in order to match the tone of his human. He was always a unique and empathetic soul, embracing his individualism and proudly marching to the beat of his own drum while leading others to do the same. He could not be bothered by the fact that he peed like a girl and consequently made his belly wet every time he tried to relieve himself. He was not phased by the fact that his tongue hung out of his mouth when he was happy or relaxed, and tolerated the human’s attempts to grab it when he wasn’t looking. He did not socialize long with other dogs at the park and preferred the company of humans over other creatures with four legs who looked and acted like him. He seemed to prefer a life of wandering through the forest over one where he was pampered and catered to constantly. He knew how to fend for himself and he constantly attempted to fend for his human as well. He obviously cared for him deeply and despite having needs of his own, he always addressed his human’s needs first and foremost. He lounged for a day in seclusion when that’s what his human was craving. And he attended parties and served as a social buffer for when his human ventured out. He was perfectly content playing fetch in the yard as much as he was at the dog park, and he allowed his human to choose what suited his mood for the day best. He was constantly at the will of his thumbed master, but he never seemed to mind the inconvenience because he never saw it as an inconvenience in the first place. He saw his loyalty and faith in his human as a given and it would take a world of change in order for him to resent him for any actions he took. He was happy to serve first and ask to address his needs second. He knew where he ranked in hierarchy and he did not see it as a demeaning position. He knew who his master was and what needs he needed to respect, but he also knew that he would always be cared for. He knew that his human would always be by his side and always love him, no matter what else he had going on in his life. He knew that their relationship would always be unique and special, and if he ever truly needed anything at all, all he had to do was ask for it. But he did not have to ask often, because he had loving humans who wanted to spoil him and provide him with everything he could want. His human’s sister took him out for hours on the trail and allowed him to roam free from the confines of a leash. His human’s roommates never allowed him to go hungry because they constantly indulged him with scraps from their own dinner plates. And his human himself had a routine that they both counted on and a partnership that they relied heavily on. He knew these things, despite not being able to express them in so many words, and he was content with the life he lived — despite it appearing to lack luster in the eyes of others as he grew older. But he knew that his life was still just as rich and that his wealth of love would never run dry.

Witnessing Change

“Is it wise to trust a horoscope?” She mumbled to herself, directed at nobody in particular. But he heard her, as he always does. He had grown to be her number one companion in the past six months and her best listener when she did not want to share. He sat with her on the porch in the mornings and nestled up with her on the couch in the evening time. He could almost predict her mood every day and picked up on what she needed the most. On days filled with sunshine, he refused to allow her to sit inside. It was a look that he got in his eyes that told her that they both needed to hit the trails for the day — and she never failed to read that look. It was a similar look that he provided when he needed food or had to relieve himself, but this look almost had more urgency to it. It was a need in his soul that connected to hers, spoken in a language of their own. And when he looked up at her in response to her question spoken to no one, she knew that he had the answer she was looking for.

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