What I Would Say If I Could

You sit and bitch about what life has handed you,
But you do nothing about it.
You disclaim that you are suicidal,
But you see no reason to live life at the moment.
You say that you want more out of this life,
But you do nothing to go get it.
You whine, complain and put those around you down in a pursuit to justify where you stand.
You seek sympathy when I have none left to give.
Because you made choices that got you to where you are today.
And you had plenty of time to fix what you saw as broken.
You had support from me and an example of what change can truly be,
Yet you still refused to work for it,
And you never gave me credit for the work I did.
You see that my life has changed and you cannot deny that I have changed,
Yet you are still in the same place that I left you three years ago,
Suffering and complaining and unintentionally insulting all the hard work I put into life.
You make off handed comments that put me down and make me feel guilty for initiating change.
You demean my work experience and status that I worked so many years to obtain.
You claim woe-is-me when life doesn’t work out the way you had hoped,
But never admit that it might be you who is the cause of your woes.
You have been handed so much in life,
Yet you still claim to be robbed of so much more,
While here I am working to clean up after myself,
And am taken for granted when I clean up after you as well.
I have handed you everything for the past few years and you have handed nothing back,
I found a place to live,
I worked jobs I hated to pay our bills,
And I sacrificed a life I could have built to build one that supported you.
You never asked me to,
But with a true friend you should never have to.
I have been that true friend,
And you have been the only friend who takes me for granted.
So it’s time for you to finally figure it out.
I will listen and I will provide support,
But the time has come for you to finally figure your shit out.
I cannot do it for you,
And I won’t even attempt to,
Because I can no longer take care of you,
And you should no longer want me to.
You should want to pick yourself up and carry on,
And you should crave this inevitable change.
You are 29 and it is time,
To finally take charge of the life you call your own.
You should finally own up to what you want,
And you should finally put your head down and work for what that is,
You should accept no excuse for delay,
And you should be your own biggest motivator.
I cannot play that role for you,
And I cannot stress myself out with your lack of progress for much longer.
It is time for you to take charge.
I will listen and I will provide sympathy,
Because at the root of that is empathy,
And I have walked where you are walking,
And I have struggled through what you are facing,
And I am the one person who can truly feel the pain you feel.
But you have never listened to me when I speak,
And you have never taken my words as wisdom,
And you do not want to learn from my experiences,
Because all you seek is sympathy,
And empathy is nothing you have ever attempted,
And I am tired of being taken for granted,
And I am exhausted by putting you first,
And it is time for me to move on whether you like it or not,
And it is time for you to do the same.
Because I am done with this shit,
And I am done with your complaining,
And I am done attempting to relate to someone who only seeks sympathy and never takes action,
Because when I was that same person,
You were not there to help me.
You did not spend the time to listen to my struggle,
And although this is not about keeping score,
The score board is clear that I have been doing this for years,
And it is time for you to put some points on the board if you want me to continue to stick around,
Because I do not take friends who take me for granted lightly,
And I no longer stand for that kind of emotional abuse from anyone but my mother,
And although you will always be my brother,
You have proved that you will not always be my friend.
But that’s not what matters in the end.
What matters is what you prove to yourself,
And what frustrates me is that there is nothing you can be proud of,
Because you were never challenged,
And you never tried,
And I don’t know what keeps you motivated inside.
So, I love you and I care for you,
But this is where the sympathy ends.
This is where it’s all on you,
And this is when you must find something to do.
It could be cleaning or cooking,
Volunteering or working,
Fanciful or practical,
Demeaning or up lifting.
You just have to do something.
You have to move on.
It is time for change,
Or at least it is for me,
Because I cannot take this pressure any longer,
And you should no longer want to bestow it on me.
I was never you mother and I was never your lover,
And I do not know what I am getting out of this friendship any longer,
Besides a comfort in a lack of change,
And an excuse for being deranged.
So this is when it ends,
And this is where you should begin,
Because this is when I make my exit,
And I do it without regret,
Because you had years to ask my for advice,
And I had years of being dragged down by your strife,
But I won’t take it any longer,
And you can fall or you can follow,
It makes no difference to me,
Because now I am finally allowing myself to be free.
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Please Understand Where I Came From

It took me years to have confidence in myself, and strength to have confidence in my shortcomings. It takes me months to come around and stand by my decisions, and it takes all I have inside of me not to give up on myself. I worked so hard to get to where I am standing today, and it will take me years more to continue cultivating that strength. Because it took just one sentence from someone I love to tear my whole world down to nothing. I don’t hate him for the words he spoke. And I do not resent him for his unawareness of the effect of what he said. I cannot ask him to take those words back, but I cannot help but want to point out the error in his ways. What I do hate is that the second thought never occurred to him and the reflex to evaluate his own words did not kick in. But still, I cannot resent him for not experiencing the same things that I have in life. I cannot blame him for never working a job that demeaned his sense of self and I do not wish that he know what it is like to be reflexively talked down to. I just wish that one of my best friends understood where I am coming from.

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The Only Opinion That Matters

Today was the day he made her see that she had changed — for the better or worse was still to be determined, but she had indeed changed. There was a stark difference between the way she spent her time these days. She was out of the house constantly, would return home exhausted and smoke herself to sleep in order to wake up and do it all over again. She was raising her voice more often and visibly frustrated with whatever she experienced while she was away from home. She was packing suitcases and unpacking them again just to allow them to sit on her floor for a week and be packed up again. She was always tired yet always moving and she never seemed to stop and play fetch anymore. She was finally moving again and she had finally admitted defeat to the strain of boredom. Continue reading

Holding Steadfast in a Sea of Change

He could see her struggling to keep track of who she is and not allow her new routine to cloud her perceptions. She had spent months with him living as they pleased and not caring about the influences of the outside world. They did not care about living what was considered a normal life style and instead momentarily lived one that suited each of their needs instead. Continue reading

A True Friend

Mo was disappointed that he did not go on the hike his favorite hiking human obviously went on for the day. And instead he was left at home with his favorite human — an inactive person in comparison to him during the years when Mo was still a puppy. An outside observer could say that they had simply grown old together and that their relationship had naturally changed. But Mo was still just as active as he ever was and had just as much energy as he did in his youth when properly provoked. Instead it was apparent that he mirrored the needs and habits of his human. When his human settled into video games for the day, Mo settled in underneath his desk so that they could still spend quality time together. And when his human decided to spend hours on the couch watching Netflix, Mo cuddled up next to him in order to maintain contact. When his human decided to pick up a smoking habit, Mo slowed his pace in order to match the slow progression of his human along the trails. And when the only time his human spent outside was for a cigarette break, he took advantage of those moments and soaked up the sun and fresh air as best he could in five brief minutes at a time. Mo was patient with his human as he watched him grow old beyond his years and age earlier than expected. And despite being a Border Collie and more energetic by nature, he toned his natural enthusiasm down in order to match the tone of his human. He was always a unique and empathetic soul, embracing his individualism and proudly marching to the beat of his own drum while leading others to do the same. He could not be bothered by the fact that he peed like a girl and consequently made his belly wet every time he tried to relieve himself. He was not phased by the fact that his tongue hung out of his mouth when he was happy or relaxed, and tolerated the human’s attempts to grab it when he wasn’t looking. He did not socialize long with other dogs at the park and preferred the company of humans over other creatures with four legs who looked and acted like him. He seemed to prefer a life of wandering through the forest over one where he was pampered and catered to constantly. He knew how to fend for himself and he constantly attempted to fend for his human as well. He obviously cared for him deeply and despite having needs of his own, he always addressed his human’s needs first and foremost. He lounged for a day in seclusion when that’s what his human was craving. And he attended parties and served as a social buffer for when his human ventured out. He was perfectly content playing fetch in the yard as much as he was at the dog park, and he allowed his human to choose what suited his mood for the day best. He was constantly at the will of his thumbed master, but he never seemed to mind the inconvenience because he never saw it as an inconvenience in the first place. He saw his loyalty and faith in his human as a given and it would take a world of change in order for him to resent him for any actions he took. He was happy to serve first and ask to address his needs second. He knew where he ranked in hierarchy and he did not see it as a demeaning position. He knew who his master was and what needs he needed to respect, but he also knew that he would always be cared for. He knew that his human would always be by his side and always love him, no matter what else he had going on in his life. He knew that their relationship would always be unique and special, and if he ever truly needed anything at all, all he had to do was ask for it. But he did not have to ask often, because he had loving humans who wanted to spoil him and provide him with everything he could want. His human’s sister took him out for hours on the trail and allowed him to roam free from the confines of a leash. His human’s roommates never allowed him to go hungry because they constantly indulged him with scraps from their own dinner plates. And his human himself had a routine that they both counted on and a partnership that they relied heavily on. He knew these things, despite not being able to express them in so many words, and he was content with the life he lived — despite it appearing to lack luster in the eyes of others as he grew older. But he knew that his life was still just as rich and that his wealth of love would never run dry.

Witnessing Change

“Is it wise to trust a horoscope?” She mumbled to herself, directed at nobody in particular. But he heard her, as he always does. He had grown to be her number one companion in the past six months and her best listener when she did not want to share. He sat with her on the porch in the mornings and nestled up with her on the couch in the evening time. He could almost predict her mood every day and picked up on what she needed the most. On days filled with sunshine, he refused to allow her to sit inside. It was a look that he got in his eyes that told her that they both needed to hit the trails for the day — and she never failed to read that look. It was a similar look that he provided when he needed food or had to relieve himself, but this look almost had more urgency to it. It was a need in his soul that connected to hers, spoken in a language of their own. And when he looked up at her in response to her question spoken to no one, she knew that he had the answer she was looking for.

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