I Miss Me

I changed my view yesterday and I threw my old self away.
I came here to do what I had to do in order to have one more day that I made it through.
I allowed responsibility to fall by the wayside since I could feel my soul dying from the inside.
I lost track of time and began to commit crimes,
Against what I hold dear and I allowed the fear,
To creep into my vision and obstruct my division,
From the things that I hate the most and the chasing of a ghost,
Of the person I once knew myself to be and perspective from which I once did see.
It was time for a change since I was feeling deranged,
And I allowed myself to be overcome with pain,
And the thought that I had to move towards a state of being “sane”,
Since my previous actions could be skewed as insane —
With the dying of my hair and speaking without a care,
If I might offend someone while embracing the feeling of being numb.
I chose to stand out and I had something to brag about,
Since I saw value in my crazy once but since then I have grown lazy,
Unbothered by the fact that I blend in and neglecting to search for a place to begin again,
I became complacent in my state and I forgot my constant debate,
About what image I wanted to embody and my constant pursuit to party,
Through this life that I was given and the transgressions that I have forgiven,
Since I once moved on without a second thought and I once was bold in what I brought,
To the table of this life that has grown unstable.
I once did know what I wanted to show and I had the confidence to allow it to grow,
I was on my own path of success before life handed me obstacles through which I progressed,
But with the hard work I began to lose my unique worth,
And I forgot to compensate for the element of being bored.
But yesterday I changed the way I see and I began to believe,
That I never lost track of me instead I lost the ability to be,
Bold in what I have to hold,
And proud of the the words I speak out loud,
Unashamed of my incessant pain,
Confident that I can prove I am not dependant,
On the approval of others since I have my own druthers,
Free from the images that confine me,
And bold with what I behold,
When I look in the mirror and I see this woman looking back at me,
Who is everything I ever wanted to be.

I Never Wanted To Grow Up, But I Did In Spite

I deserve to be thought of with respect,
But I reserve this mind and intellect,
For people who lack repent,
For the actions that were once said.
I have moved on and changed,
But I allow the pain,
From memories once laid,
Of people who did not listen to what I had to say.
I should be applauding myself,
And the ways that I have dealt,
With obstacles that you never felt,
And what I had to do to develop.
You cannot begin to understand,
What I have done with this hand,
In order to take a stand,
Against my own reprimand.
I have gripped on to resistance,
And I have experienced so much dismiss,
For what I have to reminisce,
On when I was once not as strong,
As I am now that I have carried on,
And learned to push through this fog,
Of uncertainty and disbelief,
In everything that I once had the resources to be,
And the vision of who I am as me,
When struggle is the last thing I see.
Since I have the strength,
And I have gone to many lengths,
To lessen this debate,
And know that I am one to celebrate.
Since unique is the way that I am,
And questions have been my greatest friend,
As I constantly look to begin again,
And wonder how I can,
Begin to explain this change,
That has slowly overtaken,
The person that you had once forsaken,
Unintentionally although not mistaken,
Since you had to continue on with taking,
The gifts that were handed to you,
And that advantages that you were meant to pursue,
Proving what you had to do,
In order to live a life that is true.
But my life was different,
And I refuse to repent it,
Since it is what helped me ascend,
To a higher level than you can comprehend,
Unless you once learn to only depend,
On the strength you possess verus doors that others open,
For you to pursue and follow through,
On the tasks that you were born into,
And the path you were told to pursue.
But since I have no father to impress,
And I have always just taken my best guess,
At what I think I need to do to transgress,
An approach to life of selfishness.
And that is more than you will ever see,
Since you once did not think to even perceive me,
And the things that I believed I could be,
Without the support that you take so lightly.
Now I cannot comprehend you,
And the things that you do,
In the life that was created for you,
Versus the one you secretly wanted to pursue.
I feel for you,
And what you have been through,
But that is all that I can do,
Since I cannot relate,
To this shallow debate,
Of how your successes with rate,
Against another with a different fate.
Since our success cannot be compared,
And our feels will never again be shared,
Until this friendship is repaired,
And the ground we stand on is fair,
Giving us both the advantages we seek,
And the ability to stand by the words we speak,
Since we have moved on to receive,
Everything that we once did not consider ourselves to be.

I Want To Own Me

I should listen to my own advice and move on from this state,
And see the sights of a better place.
I should comprehend what I want to purge from my mind,
Before I decide that it is not worth my time.
And I should finally see who I actually am,
Taking pride in the state I be in.
Since in this struggle there is something to be learned,
And with this work there is even more to be earned,
So that I can move on from this concern,
And focus on what it is I want to preserve,
Versus what makes me so unnerved.

I should lend reason to this debate,
And see that I was always worth the wait.
That these things will take time,
And that I must be willing to accept a reality of a different kind.
I have to actually be willing to begin again,
And recognize that my weaknesses only make me more human.
I must finally be willing to claim,
That these thoughts only make me more sane,
And that I was always be anything but plain,
If my uniqueness is something I am willing to display,
And if I strive to live up to the expectations of today.

But instead I tend to hide,
And I cast my true feelings aside.
Since I struggle to uncover my own truth,
And I feel like I am quickly losing my youth.
To the contemplations of a person who is undeserving,
And the dreams for which I will always feel yearning.
Since I am never satisfied with who I am,
And I will always find a reason to demand,
That I rise above everything I can,
And be able to do so without accepting a hand,
Of support instead of reprimand.

I want to take my own advice and be proud of who I be,
But I am blinded by everything more that I see.
I want to take pride in the habits I have formed,
But there is something that does not allow me to conform.
Since I think I will never be satisfied with where I reside,
Due to the impatience and dissatisfaction I hide.
So how do I move on from a state I have always known,
Recognizing that I have so much more room to grow,
And that there is more I have to show,
If I just allow this to be my lowest low,
And have control be something of which I finally let go.

I Wish I Knew The Meaning To Life

I wish I knew what I was doing.

I wish that I had all of the answers,
And I wish I was left with no questions.
I wish that I had never encountered doubt,
And I wish that I had the confidence to say damn it all.
I wish that I could boast about all I do,
And I wish there was a single thing I didn’t think I could do.

But I know my limits.

I know I don’t want to be a slave to the system,
And I know I don’t want to live my life at work.
I don’t want to look up one day and wonder where all the time has gone,
And I don’t want to waste my life away on things that do not matter to me.
I never want to regret time spent away from people I love,
And I never want to be the cause of my own depression.

I don’t know what I want.

I want to live life freely and without a care,
But I don’t know what in life might get me there.
I want to be the master of my own plan,
But I don’t know what plan to make in the first place.
I want to see a face of confidence when I look in the mirror,
But I don’t know who I am looking at most days.

I am lost.

I wake up in a fog of confusion,
And I go to sleep in a fit of exhausted frustration.
I don’t know what my day holds for me,
And I can’t seem to find the energy to control anything that happens to me.
I live life moment by moment,
And I can’t see to look any further than where my feet have landed.

But I can be found.

I can continue on and find my way,
And I can have confidence that today might be the day,
When I look up and see all that I can be,
And recognize that all along I have always been me,
I can search high and low,
And I can live off of the highs and wallow in the lows,
But in the end I will be alright with whichever direction it goes,
Because this is a search,
And it is a life-long quest,
And there are no answers as to how to live life best,
So I must trust in myself,
And trust in my feet,
And carry on at my own pace and my own beat,
With the faith that one day I can be “complete”.

But I will never be whole.

And I will never stop questioning. Because there is no secret to this life.
And there is no reason to for my strife.
There is nothing I can do but continue on.
And accept life and the trials that it may bring along.
I must persist,
And I must accept,
That this life is something that only I can allow myself to regret.

I Am No Longer Me

How do I know that I am happier than I was before?
And who can tell me that I have changed?
What is the sign I have been waiting for?
And how can I know that it was there all along?
Who said that this life is something that is in my control?
And what told me that it was time to move on?
How can I put this sensation into words?
And who will even listen if I do?
There is one answer that rings true,
And one thing that I have to do —
Not be you.
I need to not be complacent,
And I need to not follow in your footsteps,
I should not trust you,
And I should not deny me,
I cannot put this one out of sight,
And I cannot ignore my own mind.
This was building and forming for years in the making,
Leaving me now to do the remainder of the taking.
I poured my heart into me,
And I dedicated my soul to the cause.
I struggled and strived,
And allowed pieces of me to die inside.
I hated myself,
And I sought escape from the pressure,
But what I found in that escape was something lesser,
Something smaller than what I had in mind,
And there was still something clawing at my insides.
I heard a voice in the back of my mind,
And for once I was so inclined to listen,
To the voices I knew so well —
The ones that formed my own prison.
They shit on my efforts and spit on my trials,
I heard doubt and abuse,
And it took years to cut those voices loose.
But once they cleared and I stopped the ringing in my ears,
I dared myself to listen.
I heard the fear of doubt,
And I recognized the things I wanted to shout,
I wanted to let it all go,
And I wanted to release into the flow of life,
To stop caring and finally give in,
And allow myself to succumb to the numbness within.
But there was a voice that grew louder in the back of my mind,
And a voice that I recognized as one of a kind,
It was the voice of my soul and the voice that cleared doubt,
It had the sound of confidence,
And spoke the language of defiance.
It started as a whisper and a question,
And grew in volume as I allowed the wrong thoughts in.
It yelled at me for the state of my health,
And asked me how I defined the status of wealth.
It questioned my detrimental reactions,
And wondered why I failed to ever gain traction.
It brought to light what I was denying myself,
And the shame that grew within only seemed to help.
I wanted to change and I wanted to listen,
It was just a matter of finally releasing myself from my own opinions.
But once I tasted that sky of potential,
And once I took a deep breath of acceptance,
I could not help but become the person I was destined to be —
I could not help but be passionate,
And I could not control my enthusiasm,
I could not stop talking about my dreams,
And I could not have more faith in the fact that nothing is as it seems.
Because I had not changed in looks,
And you could not notice a difference in the actions I took,
But I could not deny feeling it.
I could not help but start a new,
Because I knew the old me just would not do,
It would not serve the person I was meant to be,
And it could not save me from the things life had thrown at me.
I had to adapt and I had to change,
It was time to move on,
And if I didn’t I wouldn’t have survived for long,
Because I would have lost the sense of what it is to be me,
I would have failed to see all the things that I have the potential to be,
If only I was not me,
And I became everything I ever dreamed to be.

What Is Self-Identity?

This is all I get,
This is what life handed me,
This is all I have to forget,
And everything I have the chance to be.

But this is something that I do not get:
How can life be so uncertain?
And how do I not know the right answers already?
How have I been living this long?
And what is there left to learn?
Does this life end in this physical plain?
Or does it continue in a space that I cannot see?
And is that what I want to believe?
What am I supposed to believe in?
Which religion has the right answers?
What should I find value in?
And what is not worth my time?
Who has all the right answers?
And why won’t they tell them to me?
How come I have to figure this all out on my own?
And why do I feel that no one else’s answers will fit my questions?
How can I be so lost in life?
Will I ever “find myself”?
And what do I have to offer?
What are the truths I can see?
And who do I choose to believe?

Who I am?