I should listen to my own advice and move on from this state,
And see the sights of a better place.
I should comprehend what I want to purge from my mind,
Before I decide that it is not worth my time.
And I should finally see who I actually am,
Taking pride in the state I be in.
Since in this struggle there is something to be learned,
And with this work there is even more to be earned,
So that I can move on from this concern,
And focus on what it is I want to preserve,
Versus what makes me so unnerved.
I should lend reason to this debate,
And see that I was always worth the wait.
That these things will take time,
And that I must be willing to accept a reality of a different kind.
I have to actually be willing to begin again,
And recognize that my weaknesses only make me more human.
I must finally be willing to claim,
That these thoughts only make me more sane,
And that I was always be anything but plain,
If my uniqueness is something I am willing to display,
And if I strive to live up to the expectations of today.
But instead I tend to hide,
And I cast my true feelings aside.
Since I struggle to uncover my own truth,
And I feel like I am quickly losing my youth.
To the contemplations of a person who is undeserving,
And the dreams for which I will always feel yearning.
Since I am never satisfied with who I am,
And I will always find a reason to demand,
That I rise above everything I can,
And be able to do so without accepting a hand,
Of support instead of reprimand.
I want to take my own advice and be proud of who I be,
But I am blinded by everything more that I see.
I want to take pride in the habits I have formed,
But there is something that does not allow me to conform.
Since I think I will never be satisfied with where I reside,
Due to the impatience and dissatisfaction I hide.
So how do I move on from a state I have always known,
Recognizing that I have so much more room to grow,
And that there is more I have to show,
If I just allow this to be my lowest low,
And have control be something of which I finally let go.
I wish that I had all of the answers,
And I wish I was left with no questions.
I wish that I had never encountered doubt,
And I wish that I had the confidence to say damn it all.
I wish that I could boast about all I do,
And I wish there was a single thing I didn’t think I could do.
But I know my limits.
I know I don’t want to be a slave to the system,
And I know I don’t want to live my life at work.
I don’t want to look up one day and wonder where all the time has gone,
And I don’t want to waste my life away on things that do not matter to me.
I never want to regret time spent away from people I love,
And I never want to be the cause of my own depression.
I don’t know what I want.
I want to live life freely and without a care,
But I don’t know what in life might get me there.
I want to be the master of my own plan,
But I don’t know what plan to make in the first place.
I want to see a face of confidence when I look in the mirror,
But I don’t know who I am looking at most days.
I am lost.
I wake up in a fog of confusion,
And I go to sleep in a fit of exhausted frustration.
I don’t know what my day holds for me,
And I can’t seem to find the energy to control anything that happens to me.
I live life moment by moment,
And I can’t see to look any further than where my feet have landed.
But I can be found.
I can continue on and find my way,
And I can have confidence that today might be the day,
When I look up and see all that I can be,
And recognize that all along I have always been me,
I can search high and low,
And I can live off of the highs and wallow in the lows,
But in the end I will be alright with whichever direction it goes,
Because this is a search,
And it is a life-long quest,
And there are no answers as to how to live life best,
So I must trust in myself,
And trust in my feet,
And carry on at my own pace and my own beat,
With the faith that one day I can be “complete”.
But I will never be whole.
And I will never stop questioning. Because there is no secret to this life.
And there is no reason to for my strife.
There is nothing I can do but continue on.
And accept life and the trials that it may bring along.
I must persist,
And I must accept,
That this life is something that only I can allow myself to regret.
But this is something that I do not get:
How can life be so uncertain?
And how do I not know the right answers already?
How have I been living this long?
And what is there left to learn?
Does this life end in this physical plain?
Or does it continue in a space that I cannot see?
And is that what I want to believe?
What am I supposed to believe in?
Which religion has the right answers?
What should I find value in?
And what is not worth my time?
Who has all the right answers?
And why won’t they tell them to me?
How come I have to figure this all out on my own?
And why do I feel that no one else’s answers will fit my questions?
How can I be so lost in life?
Will I ever “find myself”?
And what do I have to offer?
What are the truths I can see?
And who do I choose to believe?
Who I am?