I’ve Missed You Too Much

I wish I wasn’t like this when you visit.
I had hoped that I would recovered at least a little bit,
Because I never wanted you to see this bullshit.

I wish that I had the means to set us free,
From the confines of this tedious reality,
Allowing us to live simply as we.

I wish I had actually grown up,
And that I could show you that I am someone to whom to look up,
Or someone who I might actually love.

I wish that I was not this negative,
So that you never again had to see me cave in,
And instead we could begin again,
In a state that is hopeful and a mind that is used,
Rather than submitting to self-abuse,
Finally finding something in life to use,
To my advantage versus compensating for the damage,
That we have always known paired with familiar baggage.

I wish that I was a different me,
And that I finally had the strength I see,
Possessed in you and the way you believe,
That one day you will set yourself free.

I wish this was something I did not struggle with,
And that our time together was not missed,
Due to my resistance to accept all of this,
And move on instead of continuing to reminisce,
About the times when life seemed much simpler than this,
When we were resistant to even share a kiss,
And this relationship was one we dismissed,
Versus one that I now deeply miss.

I wish I could go back in time and begin to remind,
Myself of the moments we spent blind,
To the outer world and what we might find.

And I almost wish I loved you less,
So that I did not always end up a mess,
Of anxiety and distress.



I Want To End This

I want to tell you everything — I crave to keep no secrets,
I want to put it all out on the table,
So that I can claim you know I am able.
I want to cultivate that connection — I wish to share it all,
I finally want someone to catch me when I fall,
So that I can claim there is no reason for that at all.
I want to stay strong — I worry that you will see my weakness,
I am afraid that you sense my doubt,
That prevents us from having anything to talk about.
I want to never question this connection — I truly want to believe,
I am the woman you want,
So much that I cloud all your other thoughts.
I want to not be alone — I wish you would join me in this desire,
I allow to consume my every power,
So that I am left questioning what I would be without this glower.
I want to be someone you wish for — I ache for this struggle to end,
I am seeking someone I can finally call a friend,
So that I know I am no longer running solo.
I want you to be the man I am searching for — I am tired of looking any further,
I project everything I desire onto your persona,
So that I can convince myself you are the one that was foretold.
I want our connection to change everything — I wish it was that easy,
I hoped that I could manipulate you into this feeling,
So that I can feel what love is at least briefly.
I want to no longer be broken — I wish that you would put me back together,
I hoped that it would be a simple endeavor,
So that I could move on from this frustration and finally give in.
I want you to be the man that I was meant to be with — I hope that this was not a mistake,
I am tired of wasting my time on the inability to relate,
So I can finally open up to you and be the person you wanted too.

A Beautiful Disaster

Fuck you, you beautiful disaster.
And fuck this already played out tragedy.
Fuck —
You make my heart break every time I see you.
This is something that is never meant to be,
But you are the only face that I ever crave to see.
You are the person I want to claim as my own,
And you are the man who’s arm I strive to be on.
I want to show you off,
Because you make me shine when I am with you,
But that was never really the issue.
You are my nemesis,
Yet also the only face I crave to kiss.
You are the source of the frustration that only builds,
And the torture it is putting me through kills,
Making me wonder if you are even worth this thrill,
And the feeling of being light as air.
I wonder how I built this addiction to your sense of being,
And I ponder how you so easily have me keyed in.
But I know the answer I am seeking because it is so plain to see,
That I am in awe of your wild ways,
And I could get lost in you for days,
With no end in sight,
Until we reach an inevitable fight.
Because we cannot avoid our true natures forever,
And one day we will look up and realize that this is all just a beautiful disaster,
Destined to be a life long struggle —
Because you will never change and I will never concede,
And neither one of us will ever be what the other truly needs.
Because we can’t, and we refuse to be, anything but easy.
But that is what makes me pursue this disaster all the same.
You are my shitty safe space,
And the dream that I never thought I would actually face.
I am the one who said no,
And the reminder of the hold you are attempting to let go.
Despite us being so beautiful together,
And despite your keen blue eyes and the shameless tattoos that cover your thighs,
In spite of the way you make me ache,
And in spite of this feeling that I cannot seem to shake,
I know and you know,
There is just one way for this to go —
Down the path of desire and across the fields of undeniable fire,
Spinning and turning and losing control,
Until we manifest this beautiful landscape of disaster.

Fuck You? Or Fuck Me?

God Damn It, I think I love you.

I tried to deny it but I think it’s fucking true.

Because there is something about the way you do the things you do,

That makes me think that I might need you.

You are careless and free,

And possibly the worst thing for me.

You are immature and yet so wise,

And I can see it all so plainly in your captivating eyes.

You are destructive by nature,

But that is something I have always leaned towards,

Because it is a sense of freedom that I find in your support,

And it is the thrill of recklessness that I find with you as my cohort.

I know that you are my Kryptonite,

And I know that I would happily lose this fight,

To finally end my struggle against the thing that I crave so deeply,

And the attraction that I can’t seem to shake from within me.

I’ve told myself this is a bad idea,

And I’ve come to terms with the fact that you are my sick ideal.

I know that I am powerless when you lean in for a kiss,

And I know that everything about you is something I miss.

I crave your touch and I beg for your influence,

Because you ignite something inside of me that feels like life,

And you provide me moments that soothe and lessen my strife.

You are my biggest comfort and my greatest fear,

And I am unsure if this is anything that you really want to hear.

I know that I am a source of torture for you as well,

And both of us know that this something that might not end well.

We know that our personalities will clash,

But we also know that we will have the last laugh,

Because we will find a way to make this not work for us,

And it will be exactly what is best for us.

We will learn from each other,

And we will learn from this struggle,

Or at least I hope I will,

Because you are too much for me to conceal.

You have made a mark on me,

And that is plain for you to see,

Unless you do not care,

And my body was the only thing that provided you despair.

Because it may be that shallow for you,

And none of what I say may be the truth.

I may have made this all up in my head,

And all you were really seeking was to get me to your bed.

So fuck you for allowing me to go through this torture alone,

And fuck this for being something that I miss.

I think I love you,

But I think I might hate you more,

And I know that this was everything and nothing that I was searching for.

Someone To Have And To Hold

This was one of those times in her life when she wished she had a boyfriend. The thought did not cross her mind often, but today was one of those days when she wondered how much easier her life would be with someone to loyal support her at all times. She cuddled into her roommate’s dog and whispered these thoughts in his ear for no one else to hear. She asked “Will you go out with me? And love me? And support me?”, to which he responded “Yes” with his eyes to every question.

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The Oddity That Makes Life Worth Living

He was raised in the usual manner that unwanted puppies are, with an abusive hand that silenced his instincts — or at least that’s what they thought thanks to the way he cowered at anything raised above a human’s head. He had some odd ticks about him and some old habits that were hard to shake. He was perpetually scared of vacuums, fly swatters, and raised voices. And although it was his instinct to run away from the face of danger, and to keep running for longer than necessary, there was a loyalty in him that toughed it out for the sake of his human. He had learned to trust him despite the lack of loyalty and love that he experienced in his puppy years. He learned that a raised object over his human’s head would not be thrown in his direction, and that vacuums are for cleaning up his shedding fur not to torture him. He learned that he just had to ask in order to be let outside and if he did not run away then he could be trusted to roam as he pleased.  He slowly accepted the fact that “chase” was not a game his human enjoyed for hours around the neighborhood and that it was a more rewarding experience to stay close to his best friend’s side. And although it was in his nature to be fiercely loyal to his human, he learned to love others as well and accept them as temporary humans when his one and only had to go where he couldn’t. He somehow learned to trust that he would never be left behind and that his human would always return for him — because neither of them could live life without the other.

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Blind Acceptance

Mo could tell there was something different about his human lately. He was no longer leaving the house and he had began to disappear into video games as if he was hiding from real life. And as any loyal dog would, he stayed right by his human’s side and hid with him. It was almost as if he was tracking his human’s every move, which he did by instinct usually, but this time it was different. He could sense that something was off this time and was paying close attention to the person he cared most about in this world. Because when his human suffered, he could not help but suffer as well. Mo had witnessed his human in dark times in the past, but again, this time was different. There was a tone about it that invoked caution, not sympathy — because he was headed down a dangerous path of introversion. His tendencies to stay secluded, allow friends to come to him, and spontaneously take adventures as others presented them to him usually worked out for Mo. He was alright with staying dedicated to one human and leaving the rest to fend for themselves. He had grown attached to his human’s sister, but not in the same loyal way that he was with him. He would walk through fire and back to save the man he cared about most, and he was fully prepared to do so.

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The Job I Never Asked For But Always Needed

I never intended to be her mother, and I never wanted to steal that role away from the woman who can rightfully claim it. In fact, I had declared on multiple occasions that I would never become a mother if I had anything to say about it and that rearing a child was not in my future. It’s not that I don’t enjoy children, in fact they are some of my favorite kind of people, but I never felt the motherly urge to want to raise mini versions of me. I am open to the idea of adoption, and that’s essentially what was handed to me the year after I graduated college. I never asked for it, but I never really knew what to ask for in life anyway. Life knew what I needed to be handed, and that was Colleen. She is my little sister by birth, but has become my daughter by accident. Mom and Dad never intended to abandon her, and Mom in fact did not physically do so but Colleen was left standing all alone her senior year of High School and I was drawn back to her to cater to her needs. I fed her as best I could off of three jobs and worked through weekends until I was promoted to a job that could pay for so much more. I looked forward to returning to her every evening after work and sharing dinner with her when I could. I double checked that she had everything she needed to succeed in school and celebrated her good grades. I delivered lunch to her at work when I had a spare 30 minutes and slipped her extra cash when I was able. I paid for her life when she allowed me to — because she had proven time and time again that she was a capable adult at the age of 13. She had her life more together than I had in years, yet she needed me and I needed her. I needed a best friend who would forgive me for all wrongs I had done in the past, and she needed a mom who encouraged her to get out and experience what life has to offer. I needed a reminder that life is more than a pursuit of intoxication and she needed someone who encouraged her to let go. I needed to find stability and she needed to be pushed outside of her comfort zone. She needed an older guide through life, and although I had no idea which direction I was headed in, I was thankful for the company along the way. I wanted to pass down my limited wisdom and tell her that life is not meant to be stressed over but rather enjoyed, and I needed to hear those same words echo throughout my life.
I never wanted to feel responsible for another human being and I never wanted the pressure of leading a new soul through this world. I am anxious that I will let her down and that one day she will look up and realize that I am only human and not the ideal role model she needs in her life. I am worried that one day she will no longer need me and no longer see the value in me that I struggle to see without her eyes. I am worried that one day the facade that I can do no wrong will fall and I will be left to be raised by her instead. I’m worried that I cannot make this last and that when she graduates college and moves across the country for Graduate School, I will become irrelevant. I am nervous that she will move on with her life and move on without me, and I am worried that I will not know what to do when I am no longer playing the role I told myself I never wanted to play in the first place. I am worried that I will lose her to life and that this bond that we have created will lessen with time and distance and that the relationship we had once depended on so heavily will cease to be what we remember it fondly as. I am worried that our prime is over and that she is grown up and no longer needs me as much as I need her. And I am worried that if I am no longer playing the role of secondary mother for her, that she will not forget how to be my sister. I am terrified of losing my best friend and daughter to the world and that she will never find her way back into my life. And I am incredibly sad that I feel an era coming to an end. She no longer needs me to take her to her first music festival, and no longer seeks my advice when encountering a new drug. She can plan her own road trips and navigate her life expertly without assistance. She can pay for her own food better than I can pay for my own, and she makes better food than I have the skill to create. She is making plans for her life without consulting me first and is confident that she is making the right decisions for herself. She will be graduating college in just a few months and I will no longer be known as a mother to her and her friends. I will no longer have a house that I am welcomed at as a matriarch and I will no longer have life updates to check in on them with. I will have to move on from mothering and I am terrified that they all might forget what I have given them in the past and to stay in touch with me. I don’t want to move on because I have never felt so loved before in my young life, and I have never felt so much irrational love for one individual. I am afraid that the love will not be enough to return to when she has all the answers for her own life, and that I will be left all alone again trying to figure out what to do on my own. I am terrified that this is a relationship with an expiration date and that I am rapidly and carelessly approaching that deadline without having any backup plan to make it last longer. What will I do when she no longer needs money from me? And what will I do when she no longer calls me when she needs to talk through an important decision? Who will I be without her as my dependent? And who will I care for when she is gone? And who will care for me when she no longer sees the point in it? I have to grow up because she is, and I don’t want to be an adult. I want to be a mother and I want to find comfort in knowing that I am needed. I want to serve a purpose in other’s lives and I want my influence to be welcomed and thanked. I don’t want to be forgotten, but the passing of time only works against that aim. I have to find a way to stay connected with her and involved in her life without smothering her because I no longer know who I am without her.

I Never Asked For This

My healthy practices did not begin out of a love for my body and a love for myself. They did not develop simultaneously with a sense of enlightenment and I still cannot tell you what the meaning of life is. My quest for happiness did not begin out of boredom or restlessness, and I did not choose to embark on it consciously. I have no idea what I am doing and no clue what direction to head in. This was not a well thought out plan and it was not one that I was recommended by an enlightened individual. I had no idea what I was asking for when I invited love into my life and I had no idea that after the invitation I would have so much trouble finding it. I did what I was told to do in order to find illusive “happiness” — I repeated the mantra “I love myself” countless times, tried to find value in my body, and embraced my mind and the thoughts it has the power to create. I started exercising and paired my diet down to the essentials that my ancestors ate in order to treat my body like a temple. I worked a high end job with a well paying salary but took time in my work day to enjoy flowers. I sought to be proud of the status I held in life and for someone to finally turn around and recognize it. I spent obligatory time with family and friends, and reminded myself that I am told those are the moments worth living for. I wanted all the accomplishments and recognition for finding a happier path in life and I wanted to be a poster child of progression for others. I wanted to embody self-love, or at least I told myself I did.
I did not realize that I needed love in my life until it was almost too late. I did not choose this path to happiness, instead I was forced down it if I wanted to continue living at all. It was my only option besides suicide or accidental death and I saw no other direction to head in besides up. I needed tragedy in order to recognize that there is so much more to this life than I saw at first. I needed everything to be stripped away from me without a choice in order to realize what I really wanted. I cannot imagine that everyone who seeks happiness needs to hit a proverbial rock bottom first, but I did. I needed no other option but to learn to love myself, because it was the one thing I was terrified of doing. What if I didn’t find value in my actions? And what if everything I have done in life so far held no significance? What if I find that I have no future and that I have been over shooting with my expectations my entire life? And what if I discover that I am the one thing that is preventing me from being happy? All of these questions scared me away from ever seeking a truthful answer, until one day I had no other option but to face my fears. I cannot recall the day that it happened and I cannot remember the moment when I decided to invite love into my life along side the hate I always held against myself. I don’t know what made me do it, besides having an overwhelming feeling that life could not go on in the same manner it always had for me, otherwise it might be my preemptive end. I was terrified of forever losing a sense of what happiness is, and I fought out of a corner to rediscover how to incorporate it into me once again. I was not always terrified of love — but it was only once I thought I didn’t deserve it in life that I craved it most. I did not choose to find it, I was forced to in the end.
My Yoga practice did not start from a desire to strengthen my body and find peace of mind — it began because I had trouble breathing out of panic. My healthy diet did not begin because I wanted to treat my body kindly and only give it what it was meant to naturally process — it began because I could not keep any food down thanks to an anxious stomach and acid reflux. And my writing did not begin to flow out of me because I had enlightened ideas to share with the world — it began because I had so much in my mind that was unprocessed and torturing me that I needed a release. I was a terrified animal, cornered into facing love and it was a fight and struggle to get out of that corner of hate that I had grown to feel irrationally safe in. I did not choose to face my fears, they came to face me when I thought I had nothing left to live for. I faced the fear that I was sick and broken by proving myself wrong with yoga practice and climbing mountains. I faced the fear that I hated myself by writing down the exact opposite every day and reminding myself that there were aspects of me that I felt value for. And I faced my fear that tragedy had broken the person I used to be by asking myself who I wanted to grow to be instead. I would still say that I struggle with finding love and happiness in my life, but I know that there is no other choice but continue searching and following the path I have set myself on, because there is no turning back. That is simply not an option because that would mean the end of my life. I was so close to ending it before I had a survival instinct to keep my head on and chin up — and I listened earnestly to what that instinct had to say and clung onto it like a life vest in the midst of a shipwreck. I still have so much to learn, but I am learning to listen to myself and damn the opinions of others. I am learning that I need to find my own path to “happiness” and that no one else can share it with me. It is not a lonely path, but it is one of self-discovery and painstakingly slow progress because the journey is what I am seeking, not the end. I do not believe that there is truly an “end” to this search and I know that I will spend the rest of my life wandering, looking for the fruits of my labor to indulge in. I know that I will forever be growing and changing, and I can easily end up right back where I started if I lose track of my own progress. I know that this is never ending, and it terrifies me to commit to something so uncertain with no guaranteed reward, but the thrill of it makes me feel alive again.