I wish I wasn’t like this when you visit.
I had hoped that I would recovered at least a little bit,
Because I never wanted you to see this bullshit.
I wish that I had the means to set us free,
From the confines of this tedious reality,
Allowing us to live simply as we.
I wish I had actually grown up,
And that I could show you that I am someone to whom to look up,
Or someone who I might actually love.
I wish that I was not this negative,
So that you never again had to see me cave in,
And instead we could begin again,
In a state that is hopeful and a mind that is used,
Rather than submitting to self-abuse,
Finally finding something in life to use,
To my advantage versus compensating for the damage,
That we have always known paired with familiar baggage.
I wish that I was a different me,
And that I finally had the strength I see,
Possessed in you and the way you believe,
That one day you will set yourself free.
I wish this was something I did not struggle with,
And that our time together was not missed,
Due to my resistance to accept all of this,
And move on instead of continuing to reminisce,
About the times when life seemed much simpler than this,
When we were resistant to even share a kiss,
And this relationship was one we dismissed,
Versus one that I now deeply miss.
I wish I could go back in time and begin to remind,
Myself of the moments we spent blind,
To the outer world and what we might find.
And I almost wish I loved you less,
So that I did not always end up a mess,
Of anxiety and distress.