Often I wonder what is to be learned over what I can earn.
And often I ponder about that state of this earth over which I wander.
Usually I consider the places I want to visit,
But today I considered what I want to do with this,
Mind that continues to spiral out of control,
Leading me down multiple never ending holes,
Of depression and deeper thought than I aimed for,
With my consciousness weighing heavier than it ever did before.
It steals away from what I aimed to see today.
And it grabs my attention in such a demanding way.
I never seem to be able to silence the thoughts that I fight with.
They do not allow me to rest,
No matter what I might consider to be the best,
I can do in this moment of time without crossing that line,
Of wasting away my life and allowing the instinct of flight,
To overwhelm any strength I might,
Have still to not allow my spirit to be killed.
I believe in that fact that I can one day see what this life means to me.
Since I have placed money on the bet that I will be able to settle this debt,
Of injustice paid when on weaker days,
And dissatisfaction felt when I seemed to repel,
Any positivity that attempted to fill me and any reason I had to believe,
That I have the strength to grow and ever more to know.
“You think too much,” is a phrase I have grown used to,
And “I drink too much,” is the reality that I’ve been through.
I once lost track of everything I wanted to pursue,
And now I am feeling dried up and used.
I have no idea what direction to head in,
Besides back to the bottle on which I depend.
But there is yet hope in these words I once spoke,
And there is more to be learned in the words I once heard.
Because I can see what these words have done to me.
I have become a force of one and I will not stop until I am done,
Since I seem to change constantly in an effort to become more complete.
But I finally stopped to look up to see,
That I now stand with grace and speak in poetry.
I move with finesse and dream of the finest,
People who might surround and come to love me.
I will not settle for a dull reality,
Because I still have the audacity and nature to dream.
It is a curse at first to be born with such adverse,
Thoughts against myself and the emotions I once felt.
It was a struggle to rise above and seek self love.
This was not the first time I sought change,
But it is the first of which I am willing to say,
I can see the light at the end of my tunnel,
And I will one day put down this struggle,
Since I am getting ever closer to me,
With the lack of an apology.