I Want Someone To Want Me

I just want to be appreciated.
I want to know that I am loved,
I want to feel that I am watched over,
I just want someone to care.
I want to matter to one individual,
I want to have a mate to my soul,
I just want someone interested in my thoughts.
I want someone who listens,
I want my words to fall on attentive ears,
I just want to never feel like I am speaking to an empty room.
I want someone who notices,
I want a pair of eyes to always be trained on me,
I just want someone to have my back.

I hate this feeling of abandonment from nothing I ever knew,
I hate that I crave dependence,
And I can’t stand that I fantasize over attachment.
I hate that I am my own best supporter,
I hate that I come off as independent,
And I can’t seem to get over the thought of what I am missing.
I hate that I am weak and foolish,
I hate that I desire something so common,
And somehow I can’t stop the thought from emerging.
I hate that I have succumb to the problem of my age,
I hate the assumption that I need to be attached,
And yet I can’t help but agree.

I wish that I could push back these tears,
I wish that I could carry on without fear,
That I might forever be alone.
I wish that I placed priority on dependence,
I wish that I had planned ahead for this inevitable nemesis,
That I might never create what some consider “home”.

But what I really seek and what I must truly speak,
Is that I just want someone to care and I want someone to be there,
I hate that this is a problem that makes me cry and I can’t endure the pressure any longer,
I wish that there was a simple answer that might lead me to the prince I have been longing after.

And forever the answer that I hear in the back of my mind,
The one that is soft and stumble and means to be kind,
Is that I am my own Queen and I must serve me,
And that will allow me to be free.

I Wish I Knew The Meaning To Life

I wish I knew what I was doing.

I wish that I had all of the answers,
And I wish I was left with no questions.
I wish that I had never encountered doubt,
And I wish that I had the confidence to say damn it all.
I wish that I could boast about all I do,
And I wish there was a single thing I didn’t think I could do.

But I know my limits.

I know I don’t want to be a slave to the system,
And I know I don’t want to live my life at work.
I don’t want to look up one day and wonder where all the time has gone,
And I don’t want to waste my life away on things that do not matter to me.
I never want to regret time spent away from people I love,
And I never want to be the cause of my own depression.

I don’t know what I want.

I want to live life freely and without a care,
But I don’t know what in life might get me there.
I want to be the master of my own plan,
But I don’t know what plan to make in the first place.
I want to see a face of confidence when I look in the mirror,
But I don’t know who I am looking at most days.

I am lost.

I wake up in a fog of confusion,
And I go to sleep in a fit of exhausted frustration.
I don’t know what my day holds for me,
And I can’t seem to find the energy to control anything that happens to me.
I live life moment by moment,
And I can’t see to look any further than where my feet have landed.

But I can be found.

I can continue on and find my way,
And I can have confidence that today might be the day,
When I look up and see all that I can be,
And recognize that all along I have always been me,
I can search high and low,
And I can live off of the highs and wallow in the lows,
But in the end I will be alright with whichever direction it goes,
Because this is a search,
And it is a life-long quest,
And there are no answers as to how to live life best,
So I must trust in myself,
And trust in my feet,
And carry on at my own pace and my own beat,
With the faith that one day I can be “complete”.

But I will never be whole.

And I will never stop questioning. Because there is no secret to this life.
And there is no reason to for my strife.
There is nothing I can do but continue on.
And accept life and the trials that it may bring along.
I must persist,
And I must accept,
That this life is something that only I can allow myself to regret.

I Hate This Piece

These are the mornings that annoy me,
And these are the faults that I cannot help but see,
This is what hinders me,
And this is what makes me want to scream.
I see the mistakes I have made and the choices that I failed,
I over analyze my actions and replay them in my head,
And I only see disappointment in my reflection in the mirror.
I look further for an understanding and some forgiveness,
But all I find is a further desire to give up.
Because I am not perfect,
And I cannot be,
And this is something that frustrates me.
I want to move through life without a mistake,
And I want to know a life without regret,
I wish that I had the ability and drive to execute,
A life that I am proud to be a part of.
But every day I wake I am disappointed in myself,
And for every mistake I make I chastise myself.
It is reflexive and ingrained,
And it is something I cannot seem to untrain.
I have taught self hate for so many years,
That what I love about myself is no longer clear.
I cannot seem to move past the self criticism,
And I cannot seem to see past my human faults.
There is something inside of me that won’t let go,
Of the judgement that I place on my every action,
And the analysis I conduct with every thought,
Because I almost know myself too well —
I know what my motivation is,
And I know why I am making mistakes,
I know that I am only human,
But I know that I have inhumane standards.
Yet there is something inside of my that will not accept this,
It is that something that makes me hate,
And it is that something makes me restless,
And something that makes writing this impossible,
Something that will not allow me to speak the truth,
And something that will not let me admit that I am avoiding the truth,
Because it might be too much for me to bear,
And I doubt that I am strong enough to overcome,
And if I speak the truth then something in the end must be done.

I Am No Longer Me

How do I know that I am happier than I was before?
And who can tell me that I have changed?
What is the sign I have been waiting for?
And how can I know that it was there all along?
Who said that this life is something that is in my control?
And what told me that it was time to move on?
How can I put this sensation into words?
And who will even listen if I do?
There is one answer that rings true,
And one thing that I have to do —
Not be you.
I need to not be complacent,
And I need to not follow in your footsteps,
I should not trust you,
And I should not deny me,
I cannot put this one out of sight,
And I cannot ignore my own mind.
This was building and forming for years in the making,
Leaving me now to do the remainder of the taking.
I poured my heart into me,
And I dedicated my soul to the cause.
I struggled and strived,
And allowed pieces of me to die inside.
I hated myself,
And I sought escape from the pressure,
But what I found in that escape was something lesser,
Something smaller than what I had in mind,
And there was still something clawing at my insides.
I heard a voice in the back of my mind,
And for once I was so inclined to listen,
To the voices I knew so well —
The ones that formed my own prison.
They shit on my efforts and spit on my trials,
I heard doubt and abuse,
And it took years to cut those voices loose.
But once they cleared and I stopped the ringing in my ears,
I dared myself to listen.
I heard the fear of doubt,
And I recognized the things I wanted to shout,
I wanted to let it all go,
And I wanted to release into the flow of life,
To stop caring and finally give in,
And allow myself to succumb to the numbness within.
But there was a voice that grew louder in the back of my mind,
And a voice that I recognized as one of a kind,
It was the voice of my soul and the voice that cleared doubt,
It had the sound of confidence,
And spoke the language of defiance.
It started as a whisper and a question,
And grew in volume as I allowed the wrong thoughts in.
It yelled at me for the state of my health,
And asked me how I defined the status of wealth.
It questioned my detrimental reactions,
And wondered why I failed to ever gain traction.
It brought to light what I was denying myself,
And the shame that grew within only seemed to help.
I wanted to change and I wanted to listen,
It was just a matter of finally releasing myself from my own opinions.
But once I tasted that sky of potential,
And once I took a deep breath of acceptance,
I could not help but become the person I was destined to be —
I could not help but be passionate,
And I could not control my enthusiasm,
I could not stop talking about my dreams,
And I could not have more faith in the fact that nothing is as it seems.
Because I had not changed in looks,
And you could not notice a difference in the actions I took,
But I could not deny feeling it.
I could not help but start a new,
Because I knew the old me just would not do,
It would not serve the person I was meant to be,
And it could not save me from the things life had thrown at me.
I had to adapt and I had to change,
It was time to move on,
And if I didn’t I wouldn’t have survived for long,
Because I would have lost the sense of what it is to be me,
I would have failed to see all the things that I have the potential to be,
If only I was not me,
And I became everything I ever dreamed to be.

Cheers

I am proud of you,
But not for the things you do.
And I applaud you,
But not because I am supposed to.
I learned a long time ago that you would always do what you were meant to do,
But not because someone told you to.

You seem to be made of grit and rationale,
And always reach conclusions that are sound.
You drip with dedication and determination,
And reach for impossible heights that would scare a mere mortal.
You accept what life has handed to you,
And turn it into something that is true to you.

I am so incredibly proud of you,
But not because you got a piece of paper signed by a dean,
And not because you have an image that is pristine,
But because you made it look natural —
Living a life that was bound to capture you.
I am proud of your strength,
And I am in awe of the length you went to to find what works for you.
I celebrate your place in life,
And I sympathize with all of your strife,
Because I know this journey was not easy,
And I know what you suffered,
I know that you struggled,
But I know that you inspire me,
And I know you shine blindly,
Never noticing the things you accomplish,
And never recognizing the strength you posses.

So here’s to you!
And here’s to everything you have the capacity to do!
Because you are one to be celebrated!
And one to be admired!
You are the one by whom we are all inspired!

I Have So Many Questions

How did I get here?
And how did I not recognize that this was happening?
How could I stare down change with such denial?
And how could I not be prepared for this?
What was I looking for when I found this?
And why was I looking in the first place?
Who was searching with me?
And could anyone actually be searching for me?
Or was I always just searching?
And did I stumble into this?
Is this a fall or a step?
Did I mean to place my foot there?
Was there something greater calling my name?
And did I just refuse to listen?
Or is this that great calling?
Can this be the opening that I have been looking for?
And can the me I am at this moment be the one I was meant to be?
Who am I?
Where am I?
How did I get here?
And what do I do now?

As Easy As Breathing

You judge and criticize,
And watch and listen.
You wait your turn,
And you take every moment as a moment to learn.
You are not patient with progress,
And you have a hard time accepting failure.
But you accept that you are human,
And you accept that you are flawed.
You are becoming the woman I have always admired,
And you are patiently waiting for the old you to retire,
Because the old you that you used to know,
Was an echo of pain and suffering,
And someone who embraced her vices to the fullest,
One who left her mind, body, and soul remiss.
But there was always a hint of the person you were meant to be,
And there was always a hope that one day you would allow yourself to be free.
You clung tightly to the things that helped you breath,
And searched for hope in what appeared to be a sea,
Of trial and error and the nothing that could compare,
To the dream that you held diligently in your head,
And the possibility that you had stored beneath your bed,
For the day that would come and the moment you would be free,
And finally be the woman you had always hoped to see.
Today is that day,
And now is that time.
You have waited and suffered.
You have listened and learned.
You have accepted that now it’s finally your turn.
And you take a deep breath,
And inhale the strength you know you have,
And exhale the life that you always wanted to live.

Celebration Rings Hollow

There was something missing in my celebration —
Something that conveyed a sense of hollowness in a moment of joy,
And something that did not allow me to feel a complete sense of accomplishment.
There was something nagging at my heart,
And it distracted me from the moment of pride that was supposed to overwhelm me.
I could not give it a name,
But I felt its presence like a shadow I could not shake,
Chilling my heart which was supposed to be filled with pride,
And subduing my excitement when it was supposed to be overflowing.
It dragged me every so slightly down,
Like a weight on a balloon seeking freedom in the skies,
And it tugged me back to a state of indifference from an attempt to feel elated.
I did not resent it though,
Because for as long as I have known its presence,
I have accepted it for what it is —
I have accepted that I cannot feel complete joy,
And I recognize that there is a hollow feature to my celebrations.
I choose to share my accomplishments with little to no one,
And I often opt for celebration in solitude,
Because there is someone missing from it all.
There is one set of eyes I want to see a reflection of pride in,
And one person I will never see again.
There is one mind that I am missing the influence of,
And one example that I wish I could follow.
There is one person I want to impress,
And I never will be able to share anything with them again.
So I am left feeling hollow,
And I am left to celebrate in solitude,
And continue to push away the feeling that something is missing,
Because life robbed me of my father too young,
And I will always ache to share my life with the man I miss the most.

Living The Dream

How did I get here?
And what am I doing?
How did this happen?
And who decided to trust me?
What do other people see in me that I don’t?
And how do I keep ending up with responsibility?

What is it within me that keeps on going?
And how do I thrive on a lack of sleep and a night filled with seemingly impossible dreams?
Who said that I can’t do this?
And why did I ever think that I never deserved recognition?
How can I continue on in life and not demand the attention I deserve?
And can I really be proud of anything I don’t set my mind to?
Who said this kind of life was not possible?
And who said that dreams don’t come true?

The dreams I dream are achievable,
And the life I want to live is within my reach.
The feeling of achievement is not foreign to me,
But the joy of celebration is something I rarely allow myself to feel.
Because I know I can always do better,
And I know I can always do more,
I know I draw my own limits in life,
And I feel the pressure of my ability to dream exponentially.
I know this life holds experience I am unaware of,
And I know that there will always be a will for me to carry on,
Because I can’t imagine life without the chase,
And I don’t know where I would be without my dreams,
That keep my feet moving and keep my brain churning,
And the fire within me forever burning,
And the mind within me forever yearning,
For the life that I breath into myself.

How can I not continue on?
And how can I not accept this opportunity?
What is a life without challenge?
And who said that dreams were reserved for fairy tales and children?
How can I not embrace this wonderful change?
And how can I not celebrate the person I know me to be?

An Addiction To Life

What makes me love the things I fear?
Why do I love the rush of doing the impossible?
Who convinced me that I should face my fears?
When did I become addicted to contradiction?
How do I satisfy this urge?

It’s the rush of feeling alive,
The power I feel when I conquer a fear,
And the knowledge that I can achieve what I truly work for.

It’s the denial that I am human,
And the belief that this life can hold much more than I dreamed of as a child.
It’s the pride that I can find strength from within,
And the bragging rights I claim when I look back at the mountains I climbed.

They are the friends who have always stood by my side,
And the ones who will join me in the future.
They are the family who always believed in my strength,
And the strangers who inspire me from afar.

I manage my crippling social anxiety every day I work in Hospitality,
And I anonymously share thoughts I try to keep hidden from myself.
I let go like an extrovert and allow alcohol to shatter my pristine image,
And I embrace my awkward body by dancing like I don’t have a care in the world to drag me down.

I live life every day and do not allow obstacles to delay me for long.
I carry on in the only way I know how and do not try to stop life from moving on.
I embrace change and see it as the rush and opportunity that life gifted me.
I dream of the impossible,
Take every day one step at a time,
And have faith that one day I will look up and be baffled by how far I’ve come.