Am I Listening?

I feel caught between two worlds, bipolars, black and white, the good and the fight. There is evil in all of us, and some sense of good, but that is not the pull that I am speaking of. There are two worlds where I exist. One to please others and one for myself. I never considered the split, or the fact that I had an option in influencing it, I thought this world once existed to serve others, not me, and that I was built to make other happy. I would see them on vacation, smiling and laughing as their days went by steadily, while I was trapped behind a six foot desk with doors that I had to lock behind me. I had no sense of what it was to be living. I arrived and simply made it through each day. But now I am listening to what I have to say, what my stomach is screaming, what my limbs are whispering, what my body is craving. I can see the difference between me and them, when I stop and my serve begins. I can say that I am not up for it, or I would rather do something else. I can admit that I am anxious and I need a moment to breathe and allow my mind to rest. I can pause when I need it, I can arrive early or late, I can be my own person and not wait for my life to begin when others have needs I am addressing. I can take value from actions other than care giving, there is a life that breathes for me. But the split is less obvious than I thought it was. I am confused about where I stand anymore. Am I a people pleaser and giver? Do I resonate the values of a Christian? Or do I bask in the glory of Satanism? Do I find stripping more empowering than speaking? What is my body trying to say for me? Where do I keep my wishes? And how can I listen to them when others are grabbing my attention? I stop to listen. I pause to breathe in. Listening is that simple. I noticed that lately I can smell better. I can take in sensory items with pleasure. I can pause to hear what my body needs. There is a window between living and listening, it just has to be cracked slightly at least. The whispers will enter my bedroom, they will tell me I am safe to feel something. I can pause and take in my internal surroundings, since I am always so focused on the external influences. I can do this. It’s little changes when a good friend visits, it’s taking control of what I need in any moment, It’s a lesson I am stilling learning. I am still trying to find the balance between the internal and external worlds, now that I have discovered that both exist. It seems to simple and yet it took me thirty years to realize it.