Resume

Hard working over achiever with a tendency to deny accomplishments.
Persistent dreamer with the confidence of a still developing teenager.
Fast learner with a habit of getting bored quickly.
Dedicated employee to the most undeserving discrepancies.
Obsessive and compulsive when it comes to trying for what’s not within easy reach.
Hopeful seeker of more than life extended graciously.
Hopeless addict to habits that provide structure.
Easier than expected to get along with.
People pleaser with the tendency to speak with a lack of confidence.
Constantly searching for the next position that will complete me.

I look to others for the answers.

I search for someone to tell me that I am worth the pay.

I tweak and perfect my life’s work into one page.

I look for meaning in the words on this resume.

Experienced with self-doubt and anxiety.
Expert with expressing depression.
Silent people watcher constantly contemplating.
Unique follower when in the midst of crowd.
Leader when completely alone.
Denier of the competence seen so plainly.

I question my place in this life that I lead.

I ask you desperately to see value in me.

Tall and beautiful with hair to be envious of.
Talented and athletic with a body that compliments perfectly.
Funny and intelligent when given the confidence to speak.
Dedicated to never being satisfied with this version of me.
A broken artist with the audacity to dream.

Who wouldn’t want to hire me?

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Avoid Remembering

I forgot what it felt like to be drunk. I forgot the loss of control that it once allowed me, I forgot this reckless piece of drinking. I forgot what it was like to relinquish myself from any sense of responsibility. I forgot that this used to be such a standard piece of me.
I don’t remember the panic setting in, that I might have drank too much and will soon being puking. I don’t remember the anxiety from this unconscious side of me.
I remember allowing a release from all things that brought worry. I remember finding myself to be free. I remember drinking fondly.
But I forgot about the other side of things. I forgot about the painful headache in the morning. I forgot about my body’s reaction to purge the alcohol that I was hoping would provide relief. I forgot my revelation that this might be bad for me.
I don’t remember the complacency that allowed me to destroy myself slowly. I don’t remember binging and purging. I don’t remember being so stubbornly unhealthy.
I remember getting into situations that I wouldn’t normally approach. I remember being bolder than I once thought. I remember doing this constantly.
And yet I forgot that I was not being true to me. I forgot that I was so unhealthy. I forgot that I was hiding behind a bottle to bury the emotions of which I did not want to speak. I forgot that I once loved this version of me.
I don’t remember constantly puking. I don’t remember thinking that it might bring the death of me. I don’t remember panicking.
I can no longer seem to embrace that reckless side of me. I can no longer allow that release. I can no longer embrace a drunk version of me.
I am no longer someone who identifies with drinking. I can no longer operate so recklessly. I can no longer be that version of me.
I have moved on to sobriety. I have moved on to hydrating. I have moved on from drinking.
I once missed this side of me. But now it comes so unnaturally.
I forgot what it was like to be sober.
I don’t remember what caused me to act so recklessly.
I remember thinking that I was once so free.
But I forgot that I do not process alcohol naturally.

Breathe…

I lost track of what I wanted to say…
I am distracted by another point never completed…
My mind has no ambition these days…
It wanders and leads me to thoughts that are incomplete…
It deceives both you and me…
It thinks of these rhymes while I attempt to find something to actually care about this time…
I am tired of the complaints of which it speaks…
I wish that it would just move on from me…
I am the only one dragging myself down…
I am the only one who sees my own crippling doubt…
I am the only one who is privy to the secret that I have kept so desperately…
I will deliver my own self-defeat. This is all within my own control. This choice is up to me. This is my own self-deprecating form of deceit.
I am the person who is responsible for this, and yet I am the last one who will admit that this is something I struggle with.
It was once nameless.
It was once something that I was just born with.
It was once something that was supposed to mean so much more to me.
I was once a human being…
Until Depression overtook me.
Now I am just a mind that holds an infection.
Now I am waiting for someone else’s dictation to sever the bonds that I have been building with the monster that lives inside of me and takes every ounce of hopeful air I breathe.
It has overtaken me.
I am no longer distracted,
I am exhausted…
I am no longer exhausted,
I am indifferent…
I am no longer indifferent,
I am losing. I am losing this battle against a hopeful version of me. I am losing track of what I once meant. I am losing the sense to repent against these unjust thoughts and transgressions against me.
I was once so “carefree”.
I was once spoke with “honesty”.
I once “believed” that this “depression” is not a part of “me”.

The Disappointing Truth

The last thing I want to do is disappoint you, but I can’t help but prove that this is who I am.
I can’t help but show you that I have a weakness, that I am a human who bleeds, I can’t help the fact that I am naturally disappointing and that my habits are annoying, I can’t help that I have less strength that you once assumed, I can see my own impending doom, I know what I must do, but I am so tired after everything that I’ve been through that I can’t seem to give a fuck about progress or saving my youth, I can sense your disapproval, We both know that there is more that I could be doing, I can feel that you think I am incomplete, I can sense the judgement you once tried to hide from me, There is a tone in your voice that I recognize, that lacks the sympathy that I once received from a younger version of me.
The last thing I want to do is forget about you, but I can’t help but prove that I have moved on from my past.
I can’t help but show that this is now a piece of me, I can’t help you to see the hope you once had for me, I am a disappointment, I am the last person from who this was expected, I am supposed to be the one who corrects the missed opportunities passed, I am supposed to be the one who will outlast my own detrimental behaviors, I am meant to be the family savior.
The last thing I want to do is to no longer be true to you, but I can’t help but prove that I now seek a different version of truth.
I seek the dirty, the honest, the disappointing, I embrace the tedious, the lazy, and the traits that you might find annoying, At this age I know that I can still change, but I am stubborn in my detrimental ways, I am reluctant and immature, these traits can no longer be ignored, I never took the time to grow up, I never considered that one day I would look up and see that ten years have passed and I am still validating excuses that are ignorantly forgiving, I am tired of this disappointing life that I am living.
The last thing I want to do is is miss this opportunity to spend time with you, but I can’t help but prove that too much time has passed since I last spoke with you.
You no longer see that I have changed in different ways than what I was once aiming for when I complained about my own sedentary days, There was the smoking that I picked up, and the way that I am now open to love, There were the transgressions of my past, that I now write about in my self-directed counseling, There was the food that I once refused to eat, and the way that I knew I was destroying me, There were all the times when I thought that I might draw my last breath, and the hope that might die in peace at my own hand.
The last thing I want to do is express my disappointment in you, but I can’t help but prove that I am no longer the person you once knew.
I can’t help but show you that I am only human.
I can’t help that you once expected so much from me.
I am not the person in who you once believed.
And I am just as disappointed with this fact, as you are with me.

Conviction of Neglect

The evidence of it is everywhere, the abandoned artifacts of materials passed, the careless discard of another man’s trash. The signs of carelessness begin to mix with the landscape that they were abandoned in. The rusting bottle cap, and the missing shoe, the trash of all that we have been through. There was the party that involved a case of beer, and the degrading cooler that was always left here. The sand attempts to cover a pull tab, while the grass attempts to out grow a wooden palate trashed. The trees sway in the breeze, attempting to soak in the air that is thick and graying. A clump of of severed grass aids the eventual collapse of a fence never tended to. The cooler is beginning to split and peel back layers of plastic in an inevitable surrender to the power of the sun that is beating down on these silently growing trash mounds.
It was not the neglect of the current residents that aided to the creation of this island of forgotten trash, but the evidence is mounting against their seemingly innocent acts. The flies have discovered where they discard their food, the ants have a growing terrain they march through, the gnats are persistent in the clouds they form thicker than the ones that fill the sky.
The evidence is closing in on you and I.
The trees are stretching further away from this hell that man has created, they reach for clean air to breathe. The grass is growing in patchy and sparse, confused about what to sweep under its forgiving carpet.
The evidence is mounting right in front of me.
The birds are quiet and still, observing the destruction that kills the hunting ground on which they depend. Soon they too will move on from this man-made mountain of evidence that we couldn’t care less about. They will be the first to go when there is nothing left that will grow.
They will be the ones who notice that we have a built a solid case against us.
They will be the first to interrogate the land that we left so desolate.
They will be the first to claim that we saw the evidence building day after day.
This will be no surprise to you and me, who took a moment to observe what we abandoned so carelessly.
But how can the birds be expected to carry on through this?
How can we ask them to assemble this evidence?
Who will be the first to prosecute our neglect and abuse?

Let Them Talk Shit

She is resolute in the way that she stands,
Firmer in her beliefs than I thought possible and confident in the unjustified criticism of those around her.
She stands stronger than I ever thought to before,
Leaving her a force that cannot be ignored.
She is unashamed in the way she operates knowing that she has found her place amongst a crowd that cries out she is displaced.
She does not listen to the words they say.
She moves forward in her own way.
She does not give a shit about what they say and that is every clearer with every passing day.
Let them mock her garden,
She will laugh with the fruit of her labor she is holding.
Let them call her a hippie,
She will prove that there is more to her than they might see.
Let them criticise her diet,
She knows the benefits of the health they are denying.
Let them say she is a pale Californian,
She will point out that their view is obscured by the ignorance of their origins.
And let them try to put her down,
She knows that their opinions are unfounded.
She will listen to these hyper critical words that you have to say and she will shoot them down in the most intelligent of ways.
Let them call her gay,
She doesn’t care who you sleep with anyway.
Let them call her a prude,
She knows that there are things she is not willing to do.
Let them call her a bitch,
She will teach you to be careful about what you want to manifest.
Let them be rude,
She will throw it right back at you.
Since she has been through hell and back and still will be the person that you want to attract,
Since her personality shines so brightly that you cannot help but see,
That she is the most badass woman that I have had the pleasure of meeting.
Let them doubt that she has anything to complain about.
Let them see that she has more in which to believe.
Let them doubt that she has the strength.
Let her prove that she has gone to much farther lengths to show that your judgement and assumptions are misplaced.
Let her hear your negativity and she will counter it brilliantly.
Just let her be.
She will show you what you were always missing.
Learn to believe that she is a woman who will succeed otherwise you will be a victim of her conspiracy,
That woman are no weaker than the words they speak.
Let them doubt what I see,
And I will prove that she means the world to me.
Let them say she is too young,
And I will prove that her life is long past just begun.
Let them think that she is falling behind,
And I will prove that she is just biding her time.
Let them think that there is something wrong with her,
And I will prove that she is more brilliant than I could ever conceive.
Let them think this of her,
And I will prove that you are just bored.
Get a life of your own.
Recognize that she has grown.
Stop criticizing what you don’t understand.
Learn to be the first to extend a helping hand.
Stop these assumptions and you might be able to see,
The best version of a confident woman that I could ever wish to be.

Southern Mother

This is foreign to me,
This sticky air I breathe.
This is familiar to me,
This sweat developing in the pits of my sleeves.
This is different than the life I know,
And there is more to this facade than it is willing to show.
The heat and the bugs greet me,
In a thick air that is hard to breathe.
I take the hit with confidence,
Knowing what kind of climate I am up against,
Before the clouds roll in to provide what seems like relief,
And I am left questioning my decision to leave,
The comfort of my coast and air conditioning.
The skies pour down the water I crave,
Leaving rivers and lakes through landscapes man made.
The onslaught of the skies continues to pour,
And I am caught in a rain that cannot be ignored.
I dance and embrace this foreign climate,
Making it apparent that I am incredibly out of place.
There is no excitement from those who are used to,
The assault that mother nature regularly puts them through.
But this foreign weather excites me,
Despite how much I am currently sweating.
There is a tangible thickness to the air,
And the overgrowth of nature everywhere.
The plants fueled by the intense sun,
And the air filled with an audible hum,
The bugs run wild without boundaries,
And the birds are happily signing.
There is a no sign of another mammal in sight,
And I am left to observe this lack of silence in peaceful sweating.
The air is thick not from the smoke that fills my lungs,
And my ears are filled with song not from the headphones I have plugged in,
The sweat pours down my back without any added effort,
And I am left to question how I can be so helpless,
In the face of the mother who created this.

Hire Me

I’m going to crush this.
I have to or else.
I have to make this work to receive what I deserve. I want this to be the solution that I have always been searching for. I want this and nothing more. I want the perfect amount of freedom and the right amount of denial that will help me get by. I want to not even notice that I am trying. I want this to mean more to me than it does to you.
And I want the opportunity to choose.
This time I care about losing.
This time I will be moving.
I will move on from this mess in my head. I will never regret the words that I’ve said. I will allow this to be what I need. I will seek a different version of me.
This is the time to believe.
I have the strength it takes. I have a mind that can win debates. I am searching for my place in this life and scouring the earth for a reason to try.
I will no longer be denied.
I can feel the confidence building on the inside.
I can sense that this might be my place. I feel that I can keep up in this race. I will do my best and one day be at rest. I can say that it is my time but I know that this decision of out of my line of vision. This choice is out of my control. This could be what I was searching for or it could be another closing door.
But that does not matter.
This is an opportunity to put in my best and allow things to settle in the manner that they were meant to. This is a chance for me to brag about my worth and meet potential cohorts. This is a chance to be more and I am ready to embrace it in a way I never have before. I can feel the pressure building within me. I can feel the itch to move on from what I currently see. I want to be more than this current version of me.
I can do this.
I can master it.
I can be the answer that we both wanted.
Give me this opportunity and you might see what it means to me to be the best I can be.

Not Another Missed Connection

I’m happy you called.
We had so much to share since the last time we met I had began to lose track of what I wanted to say to you in my head…
There was the hummingbird that made me think of the time when we were laying on the ground discussing the possibilities unbound.
There was a sunset or two I wanted to share with you.
There were all the times I thought to call but was overwhelmed with the pressure of it all.
There were countless moments when I thought of you and there was nothing I did to follow through…
It wasn’t just when I wanted sex.
And it wasn’t when I was lacking compliments in my head.
It wasn’t when I made actions that I regret.
And it wasn’t when I doubted the words you once said…
It was moments when I wanted to share with you all the thoughts that I have as I lay down to bed…
It was when I remembered that you are my perfect fit…
You are the blue in my sky.
I am the stoner to your metal.
You are the stability I lack.
I am the one who asks you to fight back.
You are the strength in our embrace.
I am the patience that you lack in your ways.
You are the one who I want to fall asleep with.
I am the one that you hopefully dreamed of…
Since we fit together perfectly I am lead to believe that you are the best thing for me.
You are my anti-anxiety medication and also what brings me this pain.
You are the comfort that I seek and also the thought over which I lose sleep.
You could be the missing piece of me if I allow you to be…
I’m happy I saw you.
Thanks for reminding me that you are what I need.
Thanks for calming my anxiety.
Thanks for being the you you are with me.

Swimming Through A Dream

It was just me and the view I could see. It was just me and the river that led into the sea. It was just me contemplating everything.
I was able to take a moment to breathe. I was able to look beyond what I currently see. I was able to relax into a different version of me.
It was just me and this moment. It was just what I wanted. It served me in ways that I hadn’t thought of.
I was happy with my solidarity. I was basking in my singular glory. I was finally able to reconnect with me.
It was just a few hours. It could have been for days. It was when I lost track of my own debate.
I am at peace when I am left to contemplate. I am at home when I am left alone. I am indifferent to what I will eventually have to pursue as the hours pass by with nothing for me to do.
It was a moment that was not lost on me. It was a moment in which I breathed easy. It was exactly what I wanted to see.
I am exhausted by the bullshit. I am tired of what I am constantly left with. I am ready to move on from this.
It is a moment of clarity. It became a piece of me. It is the space I need.
I am certain that the river spoke to me. I am positive that it gave me the air I breathe. I am sure that I could feel the earth moving beneath my feet.
It shifted my perception. It willed me away from being numb. It embraced the change that is certain to come.
I am different. I am trying. I am rewinding to the moment when it was just me and the river.
It was when I felt a sense of being whole. It was when I had faith in what I’ve been through before. It was when I was in awe and nothing more.
I was watching the sun move slowly. I was taking in every detail of the natural glory. I was thinking about how they would share my story.
It was a humble moment when I was forced to surrender. It was when I put down my struggle for the better. It was when became at peace with the constant flow of the river.
I saw myself move in the reflection. I saw the current closing in. I saw my opening.
And I dove in.