A Case Against Myself

The evidence is right before you.
It is in the ashtrays scattered and filled to the brim,
It is the clothes spread across your bedroom,
It is in the way that you have forgotten to call anyone who means anything to you.

The outcome is clear.
It is in the cough that fills the bathroom,
It is in the isolation that you have grown used to,
It is interactions that are new to you.

The result is frustration.
It is in the way that you say things,
It is in the negative tone you are wishing would lessen,
It is the true tell signs of depression,
It is the way that you are sleeping for days,
It is in the way that you get lost in the words you have to say,
It is in the way that you get so easily distracted in one place.

The truth is laid before you.
It is the way you choose to pass the time,
It is the way that you criticize your ever searching mind,
It is in the ways in which to yourself you are unkind.

The solution will take time.
It is whispering in the back of your mind,
It is aching to be heard,
It is the voice you have previously ignored,
It is the patience that you reserve for all others besides yourself,
It is the secret to good health,
It is what you wished you would have always felt.

The change is within your grasp.
It is your choice how you react,
It is your voice that you have to impact,
It is your mind that you have to entrap,
It is your mistakes you have to look past.

The choice is yours.
It is depression or resilience,
It is anxiety or boldness,
It is in how you choose to control this,
It is reminiscing upon the past and looking to the future,
It is accepting experience and moving forward,
It is feeling lost and looking closer,
It is accepting that you are not broken.

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Connective Technology

This is all that I needed.

Rest, forgiveness, and a whole lot of weed.

This is all I wanted.

Trust, sympathy, and space to hide in peace.

This is all I could think of when I called you.

And when I reached out, what did you do?

You listened like you were meant to.
You heard the pain in my voice and the struggle I was attempting to hide.
You know me inside and out.
We knew we had much to talk about.
I had no doubt in you.
I knew that you would come through.

You always do.

I knew I should have called you earlier but the fear of what I had to say was witholding me.
I knew that you would answer.
I knew that you would not allow me to pass over that which is affecting my being.
I knew that you would listen carefully.
I knew you were the voice I had to seek.
I knew that you had words worth listening to.

I trust in you.

You can see me plainly.
You accept my faults happily.
You embrace the most honest version of me.

I can count on you.

I believe in your words.
I am thankful for your return.
I value your influence.
You knew all the right things to say.
You challenged me to think in new ways.

You are all I needed.

Best friend, confidant, and counselor.

This is all I was seeking.

Listening, advice, and thought provoking.

There are so many topics for us to cover.

This could go on for forever.

And it will.

Since you are my person in this world.
We are meant to be connected.
We were meant to be best friends.
We were meant to be the person on who the other depends.
This is a lifelong friendship.
We are naturally connected.

I will not take this for granted.

Thank you for being who I need.
Thank you for being there for me.
Thank you for accepting this version of me.
Thank you for encouraging me to change in new and exciting ways.
Thank you for the words you had to say.

I needed to hear them yesterday.

Today I feel like conquering the world.
Today I know my dreams can no longer be ignored.

Today I will not settle for boredom.
Today I will live up to our expectations.
Today I will no longer

I know who I want to be,

The best friend you know me to be.

Mornings

A favorite time of day before the building pressure melts this mind away. A time to live for before the ever approaching state of unsettled and bored. Alone soaking in the morning. Take time to breathe. Look up before writing to take in the views. Savor the taste of coffee. Allow thoughts to come naturally rather than feeling like they are attacking. Allow them to seep in slowly. Allow them to be poured out on the blank page. There is so much hope in the blankness. There is so much to say. Wake up this way. Muse deeply and surprisingly. Slowly discover the truths hiding. Allow them to reside on the mind. Allow the soaking up of this time. There are only so many minutes in the calm of the morning.  Soak them up desperately. Feel free when writing. Take this time. Take the time for this to resonate. Push off the inevitable picking up of pace in the day. Listen to what there is to say. Consider the thoughts buried deep in sleep. Allow them to overcome this being. Take in surroundings in peace. Alone in this moment and thankful for it. Breathe. Be. Speak. This is freedom. This is really thinking. This is something to live for. These moments can’t be ignored. There is so much hope in this moment. There is so much clarity in just existing. There is so much more to see when simply being. Take a deep breath and look up. Pour out slowly the words escaping. Have faith. This is life and the choice to live. This is a moment of creation. This is a time to not take for granted. Allow this ritual of writing to become the missing piece. Slow down to take in the morning. Feel capable. Feel intelligent. Feel that words might resonate when spoken from a place of honesty. Speak bluntly. Speak plainly. Allow feelings to wash over this being. It is a small glimpse into an alternate reality. It is a taste of life worth leading. It is inspiring. Begin every day like this. No more moments missed. Half an hour to muse. Thirty minutes to release. One-thousand eight-hundred seconds to truly be. No time for doing. Breathe easily. Release. Alone and content. Proud of this time spent. Hope and believe. This is what it might look like to truly be happy. Feel the morning closing in. Sense the time slipping away slowly. Mind wandering. Timer still ticking. Getting closer to the end of the release. See the words escaping. Sense the world pressing in on the peace of the morning. It is slipping away slowly. Anticipate the return to reality. Savor the last seconds of escape. Take the time to muse.

Thinking Of You

I think you would be proud of me,
I think you would be proud of the change,
I think you would be proud of what I now have to say.
I think you saw what I wanted to be before me,
I think you saw what was once controlling me,
I think you saw what I had the potential to be.
I think you would have helped me see,
I think you would have visited me,
I think you would have encouraged me to believe.
I think I saw you in the corner of my eye,
I think I caught a glimpse of your smile,
I think I saw you but I know that is impossible.
I think I need your influence,
I think I crave your optimism,
I think I miss your whole hearted acceptance.
I think that I am losing my mind,
I think that missing you will pass with time,
I think that I am searching for something I will never find.
I think you would have been there for me,
I think you would have supported my new version of reality,
I think you would have understood what I want so desperately.
I think but don’t know what your reaction would be,
I think but have to make assumptions for the words you would speak,
I think but your memory is fading.
I think I remember you telling me to dance,
I think I recall you telling me to take chances,
I think I remember your valuable lessons.
I think you are the influence I am missing,
I think you are the change that I have trouble forgiving,
I think you are the loss over which I am obsessing.
I think it would all be different if you were still alive,
I think it would have turned out differently if I had tried,
I think it could all be blamed on your demise.
I think I will listen this time,
I think I will look for your subtle signs,
I think I will assume you are always by my side.
I think this pain will pass,
I think this change will provide a mask,
I think this loss has put me on a stronger path.
I think of you,
I think of your memory,
I think of what you would have said to me.
I think I know the words,
I think I know the sentiment,
I think I can interpret.
I think you would have said it kindly,
I think you would have said it softly,
“I think you can be anything you want to be.”

Resentment

Fuck this day job.
Fuck the pay,
Fuck the rage,
Fuck the menial debates.
Fuck what I am about to say,
I need this job to pay my bills, I need this job to feed myself, I need an income to feel stable.
Fuck the drain it has on my mind,
Fuck the pain that I allow to seep inside,
Fuck the name that I have come to stand by.
Fuck it all because I have fallen farther away from my true calling.
I hate the way it makes me feel, I hate the responsibility that I’ve allowed to crush me, I resent the way that it has mislead me.
Fuck the dreams I once had,
They are gone and dead,
I work to feed my body instead.
Fuck the way I had hope,
Fuck the way I once optimistically spoke,
Fuck the ways I have learned to cope.
I hate that I’ve grown used to low expectations, I resent the ways in which I have settled, I am overwhelmed by the possibility of failure.
Fuck this pressure to succeed,
Fuck what I thought I previously needed,
Fuck this young life that I insist on grieving.
I work so hard for a break, I search desperately for ways to relate, Freedom is something I have began to crave.
Fuck the long hours and strain on my feet,
Fuck working for people who are less educated than me,
Fuck losing any more sleep.
I do this work for me, I strive and improve incessantly, I refuse to take my future lightly.
Fuck this pressure,
Fuck your assumptions,
Fuck everything that makes me numb.
Fuck.
I will have the last say, I will lead this debate astray, I will continue to dream,
But not today.
Fuck today,
Fuck the work I am about to do,
And Fuck this hopeless point of view.

Rethink Of Me

Check your privilege at the door please,
And then roll up your sleeves,
You are about to experience what I live and breathe.
There is a subtle difference between you and me,
I continue searching while you donned a wolf’s clothing,
I continue to bleed while you sleep soundly,
I continue to dream while you dismiss me.
We have a history in which you see a different side of my being,
You once saw that I was destitute and weak,
You once saw what I never wanted to be,
You once saw me failing.
What you missed was what I did after this,
What you didn’t see was me testing my deficiencies,
What you couldn’t conceive is that I would change my ways eventually.
I needed time for this to manifest,
I needed to allow myself to rest,
I needed to allow myself to guess.
I learned how to care,
Yet you seem to not believe that this is the new version of me,
You still see what I once hated to most about me.
I was once weak,
I once refused to speak,
I was once so naive.
You knew a sheltered version of me,
You knew what I worked to change desperately,
You knew the old me.
Now allow me to show you the ways that I’ve changed,
Allow me to share my previously unspoken pain,
Allow me to change the way you say my name.
Say it with admiration,
Speak to me without hesitation,
Say what you would in praying,
I will not lead you astray,
I have changed my ways.
I will listen to the words you speak and allow them to sink in slowly,
I will consider you differently,
I will respond in questions that are provoking.
Nothing will go unspoken any longer,
It has taken too much of me to change,
I have no time for my old ways.
Yet you have not met this new version of me so allow me to speak plainly,
I have changed and so have you,
This is just what we do,
You must recognize this truth.
I am no longer the the me you once knew,
You are no longer the friend I grew used to,
I am no longer the person you find for weed,
You are no longer the life being sucked out of me,
I am no longer the girl controlled by anxiety,
You are no longer the person I wished to be,
I embraced these parts of me,
And yet you are reluctant to see me differently.
Check your knowledge,
Cross reference your acknowledgements,
And put down your solemness,
Life is lived beyond your privilege.

Reverse Psychology

How did this all work out?
The flowers are blooming, the plants are growing, and I am glowing.
How did I find this place?
The halls have echo, there is a back porch for these thoughts to settle, and a kitchen where I can let go. There are friends who fill the space and a smile worn on my face as I awake.
This is a reality I could have never dreamed of.
There is space for my things and support for my odd necessities. There is food in the cabinets and alcohol in fifths. There is weed scattered about and a wealth to go around. This has all been seemingly gifted to me and I am in state of disbelief.
How is this the life I can lead?
I once experienced travesty and was constantly struggling. I faced trials that were anything but easy. That is what shaped me.
I am used to not winning and prone to depressive thinking. I am accustomed to no longer sleeping. I was certain that there were no more flowers left for blooming. I assumed the negativity was all consuming. I thought there was nothing I could do.
And then I found this.
I found the opportunity that I thought I had missed. I found the support and space to be. I am rediscovering these missing pieces. I will allow myself to be free. I will no longer stifle the happy version of me.
How did I ever doubt myself before?
I am always working towards what I am searching for. My progress could no longer be ignored as soon as I opened this new door.
I have not been here before. And I am struggling to recognize this gift. I do not know what to do with it.
How was I handed this?
I am thankful and yet ungrateful. I am searching for my own downfall. This can’t mean that I’ve made it. This can’t be the end to my complaining. Life cannot be perfect from here.
The plants cannot grow even more. The birds cannot chirp a more beautiful score. The sun cannot rise in a more perfect sky. I cannot glow even more on the inside.
This all cannot be.

Answer Me

Who would I be without the addictions that plague me? What kind of reality would I be living?
What kind of chances would I have been given? What if I stopped smoking and opened my lungs to fresh air? What would I find there? What if I actually cared about my health? Would there be a increase in my wealth as well? What if I was free from the confines of routine? Is that what would save me? What if I actually tried to cut ties? Would that prove to be the beginning of a new time? Or would I find another addiction to sink further into? What would be the reaction I pursue? What would I do if I let loose? Would I return to the comfort of self-abuse? Or would I seek a higher truth? Is this something I can get used to?
Who would I be without doubt and insecurity? What kind of reality would I be living?
Would I be strong and wild? Would I be wearing a permanent smile? What if I spoke the words I am seeking? What if I actually believed in me? What kind of change would I initiate? Would I speak up and rise above? Would I recognize the feeling of love? What would this consist of? Would I shine like diamonds and become famous in time? Would I appreciate this life? What would I do with my time? Would I continue to overanalyze my actions and words? Or would I be proud and bold? Could I operate confidently? Would I embrace the pressures of living?
Who would I be without anxiety? What kind of reality would I be living?
Would I brave and reckless? Would I attempt to cheat death? Could I become the woman I’ve dreamed of? What if I didn’t allow fear to control me? What kind of freedom would be laid before me? What kind of challenges could I conquer? What kind of confidence would I offer? What would it mean to speak freely? Is this something I want desperately? Am I willing to change me? Or will I settle for my current version of reality?
Who would I be without questioning? What kind of reality would I be accepting?
When would I allow myself to settle? When would I seek to do no better? What would this life hold if not more options to consider? Is this something over which I become bitter? Or will I embrace my addictions, doubt and anxiety? Will I use these traits against me? Or will I recognize them as a part of my reality? Who will I be?
It is entirely up to me.

Anti-Social Media

My reality is one where I am alone, quiet, and scared.
But the reality you see can be perceived much differently.
My view is one of a woman confused, torn down, and self-abused.
You might see that I am just tired and overused.
My perception is one of weakness, meekness, and an unsalvageable mess.
You can see that I am taking my best guess.
I see that I am boring, mute, and confused by what I am doing.
You might see that there are dreams I am pursuing.
My view is one of no choice, no voice, no palpable pulse.
You can see that I am alive, trying, and have a will to survive.
There is a shadow cast over my sight that I allow to win this internal fight.
There is a shadow of experience that I am struggling to perceive.
There is a darkness that I do not want you to see.
But this truth is laid out plainly.
I cannot hide this side of me.
You cannot help but see it differently.
This perception of reality is confusing.
The choice is mine for the choosing.
You can see that there is more I am doing.
I can see that this will never be enough.
You might see that the life I’ve been handed is rough.
I see that I have experienced true love and true loss.
I have lived the truths I am composed of.
You have witnessed what it might look like to rise above.
I doubt that this is progress I know of.
You see what I have overcome.
I see that I have only become more numb.
You view a woman who grew up quickly.
I see a girl in a state of disbelief.
You might see what I’ve become.
I can only see what I’ve left behind.
This is the conflict of our time.
You can only see what I post publicly.
I only speak about times worth celebrating.
You only perceive what I want you to see.
I craft my image carefully.
You are convinced to believe in me.
While I work to warp my reality.
You might follow me on social media.
But I do not see your restricted reality.
I take it all in.
You don’t see that I am up and down and filled with anxiety.
But this is the only reality I live in.

The Responsibility To Live

Stop.
Drop everything.
This cannot be ignored.
This is the chance. This is the opportunity. This is the sign you’ve been searching for.
This is the time to shine. This is the moment that should never pass. This is solidly within your grasp.
Listen to what you have to say. The words were meant to come out this way.
Don’t pause and think.
React openly.
Breathe.
This is the future that was meant for you. This is what you are meant to do. There is a passion in your eyes.
There is a sense of being alive. There is even more on your mind. Welcome the passing of time.
Embrace this sense of you. React in ways that you know how to. Then try something new.
This will take time to get used to. Just be you.
You know that patterns that will keep you healthy. You can trust in your reaction to survive. You will continue to be alive.
You have no choice. This is what you placed in your own hands. This the reaction you have.
This is freedom.
Don’t give up.
Find what you love.
This life is too short. You hold so much worth. Do something with what you’ve worked your whole existence for.
Don’t settle for being bored. Don’t find comfort in problems ignored. Don’t prevent yourself from exploring even further.
Trust in these words you say. Embrace another new day. Find your sense of play.
You can be saved. Trust in you. Trust in what you can do. Trust in the what the universe has handed you.
Push through.
Remember to love you.
This is your truth.

This is what you must do.