I should have listened to Mother. I should have seen the way that she always struggled. I should have recognized these traits in me. I should have known that I would inherit them immediately. Reproduction is a form of cloning. I am just a copy of who raised me. She did not mean to. She did not raise me to. She did not realize what she had to do. I showed signs of anxiety for as long as I remember. She showed signs of anxiety before it was commonly accepted. I have the tendency for depression. She was the one on who I depended. She was the one who gave depression to me. But it was not her choice. It happened genetically. Her chromosomes were intertwined with a man who lived life lightly. She was balanced out by a Y chromosome who liked to sing. She attempted to pass on better traits to me. But I was not so lucky. I inherited the double X that came with genetic anxiety. I grew up hating parties. I was raised hiding in corners. But I was unaware of what I was born with. I was taught it was normal to struggle with socializing. I assumed it was common to struggle with eating. I thought that most children struggled with speaking. But it was just me. And the woman who raised me. I should have seen her as a friend from the beginning. I should have known that we could connect so deeply. I should have asked her about the lessons she is still learning. She is the woman who gave this to me. But she also gave me the hope that I will succeed at living. She is still alive. She is still thriving. She has survived. I can learn so much from the genetics that created this. And I can gain so much more from accepting that this is the way it is. I cannot change the problems I was born with. But I can learn to live a better life with them. I can follow in her footsteps. I can raise a human with love and devotion. I can learn to work through the depression. I can get help and medication. I can be where this cycle ends. Thanks to the woman who taught me how to live.
I want to start crying. It has all become too much it seems. I never gave myself a break for processing. I never considered the consequences of always succeeding. The pressure that builds steadily. The constant grinding of the teeth. The brow that is creased with worry. The face that I pick at absentmindedly. The smoking. The drinking. The release. It gets the best of me. I cry randomly. I stare without seeing. I try to weep silently. I am self conscious of my weakness. I refuse to admit I am human. I can do this. I can control the anxiety. I can put off the depression. I can delay my reaction. I black out memories that I cannot handle. I remember only my failures. I am dependant on my carelessness. I run on pessimism. This is no longer sustaining. The hate no longer feeds me. The pain is no longer controlling. I am free. I chose this negativity. I want to love openly. I want to be angry. I crave failing. I crave challenging. I seek the swings of mania. I seek to connect deeply. This contradiction is getting the best of me. I am lost while never moving. I am searching without pursuing. I am changing without admission. No longer seeking my own permission. I knew where this was going. Down. Down. Down. Before up again. Slowly. With determination. Repeating the same steps. Up. Up. Up. Before now. This is where I begin again. Testing my own fucked up religion. A belief in suffering and reciliancy. A stubborn desire to control everything. Repeating that I am worthy. Declaring my devotion to honesty. Telling myself that I am stronger than I think. But I no longer want to be strong. I no longer want to carry on. I no longer want to be up and then down. There must be a normal I am seeking. I can’t be the only one who knows this reality. There have to be solutions for people like me. Perfectionism is a sickness. Succeeding is a weakness. Motivation is unforgiving. I need a break from me. I need to pause this reality. I need this day to be lived simply.
It was like he had never played before, he was baffled as soon as I allowed him to pass through the open door, timid at first, testing the ground, learning my boundaries, looking back at me, needing approval for the release, I granted him this relief, telling him it is okay to play, it is normal to run around the yard, it is even encouraged in a normal dog, and as soon as I told him to go, he bounded in the most free way, he lept down the stairs and into the grass, moving as fast as he can, circling his track like a racehorse, exploring every corner of the yard, momentarily ignoring my call, I could not blame him with the restrictions he is now allowed to embrace, he now has the freedom to race, he now has a life focused around playing, there will be no more guiding, except of my heart, teaching me how to care for a dog, opening me up to the ways of motherhood, me teaching him how to be good, it is almost as if he were human, bursting through the door in disbelief, gaining his first taste of freedom, acting recklessly, sneaking a taste of an apple fresh from the tree, bounding through piles of fall leaves, picking up sticks and tossing them happily, looking back at me to make sure that this was all meant to be, that I will not cheat him of this new found freedom, that I will embrace the happiest version of him, that I am his human, I smile in disbelief, that such a wonderful creature could instantly love me, that this is the new life I am leading, that this is what it feels like to truly be happy, he will teach me to breathe, we will go for long walks in the evenings, we will love each other unconditionally, I can see it in his eyes, he can see it in my care, communicating with a wag of his tail, he will forever be there, right by my side, forever in my heart, guiding me towards what life can be, when I have a dog who so happily loves me.
He is my responsibility, there is no more pawning off the duties to another human, this is what I will do for the next fifteen years, he will forever be by my side, and I will forever keep an eye on him, he makes my heart burst, making me make noises that I have never heard emerge before, coos and high pitched speech come from my throat, he is infecting me to be more motherly, taking the time to make sure he pees, picking up his shit gladly, I am becoming a woman I never thought I would be, looking after another being, knowing that he depends on me, forever having him tied to my side, this is a new stage of dependency, I will be dependant on his loyalty, I already crave his affection, I have began to feed off of his energy, he is the best thing that has happened to me, he will be by my side into my forties, that fact is terrifying and yet so comforting, I know he already loves me, I am the one who set him free from guiding, he knows now that he will forever look after me, he knows that I love him with every part of my being, we both know that this was meant to be, it will be an opportunity to learn, one in which I have to face growing up, one in which he will only know love, it is the beginning of a lifelong friendship, I am still in denial about this gift, he came into my life unexpectedly, showing me what I knew I was missing, a chance to be caring, an opportunity to be devoted, a vice that will not kill me slowly, he is a new obsession that is good for me, proving to help me grow already, facing the panic that dependency creates, taking a deep breath and being brave, knowing that this is what is best for me, recognizing that this is something I wanted desperately, resisting the urge to run away, facing the beginning of a very good thing, allowing myself to be open, this is what life has thrown at me, I am grateful for it in ways I never considered, I am still in denial that I actually earned this, destined to always be the aunt and not the mom, that assumption was wrong, I can feel that this was meant to be, I can sense myself coming to peace, he was meant to be with me, and I was meant to be his mother, we have been waiting for each other, it was an arranged dependance, a frightening decision, but one I would make again and again.
There is something about the way you speak that makes me think you are hiding. I’ve built this suspicion over time and am finally piecing together what you might have been avoiding. There is the fact that you have never dated anyone seriously, and the fact that you have never hit on me. Not that that really means anything. There is the fact that you bring up other men who have explored each other sexually, waiting for the reaction that will come from me. Not that that really means anything either. There is the fact that you enjoy shopping and cooking. Not that that really solidifies the stereotypes of other’s creating. But there is something nagging at my mind to be more responsive. There is a reason you are like this. I am your best friend and someone I hope you can be comfortable with. I hope to encourage more openness. Since all I want is for you to feel happiness. Who you want to sleep with is of no consequence to me. I have done my exploring. I discovered that I fit the brand of “normal” according to the standards society holds. But I want to embrace the “weird” version of you. I want to hear what you’ve opened yourself up to. I want to create a friendship free from shame. I want to give you the opportunity to say it. I am open to listening and reevaluating my reactions carefully. I aim to cast no shame on what you say to me. I want to be the friend you can come out to. Or the friend who supports whatever you are going through. I want to be the friend who understands that sexuality is on a scale. I want to be the one with who you can share anything. I want you to be able to open up to me. I want to give you this opportunity. Say what you will. I have no judgement to share. Make love for yourself. Embrace what you feel. Recognize that those tendencies are there. Know that I will never consider you to be weird. Know that I am here to support you. Know that I am attempting to understand what you are going through. Know that I am here to listen or to sit in comfortable silence musing. Know that I want what makes you happy. Who you are attracted to sexually is of no consequence to me. Know that I am still listening. Forgive my immature reactions. Look past what I have said before. I am here now for you to open up to. I am sorry for anything I’ve ever said that would have made you question yourself. I apologize for any misconstrued judgement. I am sorry for growing up in the same town as you and knowing that it was not a supportive environment for you. I apologize for all of this. So that you can live a life that you want to live.
I overheard people telling me to quit my dreams, that they will never be something I can actually pursue, that they have taken years and a degrees and still don’t know how to follow through. I am certain that they are wrong about me, I know what I am facing, I know this will take years of practice and that I will be rejected more than once, I know I can do this though, I will continue to follow through. The key to it all is to do it for me, to be persistent in my dreams, to know that I believe in myself, and that is the first step towards doing what I want. I know that there are many who have gone before me, and there are even more who will never succeed, I know that this is a far-fetched dream. But I also know that I am persistent, obsessive to a fault, and determined to be competitive. I know that I practice daily, I continue failing, but I pick myself up and try again. I know that this could take years to achieve, that I am already behind in ages of experience, that I could have dreamed my whole life about this. But this dream came to me naturally, it grew steadily, and I learned to instill belief in it. I learned to listen to what was coming up, embrace the healing process with love, and do this for no one else besides myself. These words mean everything, this paper is where I see myself clearly, this effort is not missed on me. I will keep trying, I will do this for me, and I will continue pressing on tirelessly. Even if this practice leads me nowhere tangible, I will know that I have to continue working, I will continue serving my mind and my emotions, I will adopt various tones, and allow them to resonate in my being, seeing where this practice will lead me. I will continue to press on for no one besides me, I will continue forever working, this is my new obsession. I will focus on the healing process, trying new approaches in my practice, being forever open to new tactics. I have this. Don’t allow the doubt to sink in, don’t allow your consciousness to respond negatively, don’t allow the self-inflicted ego to get the best of me.
This could be an unexpected blessing, it could lead me somewhere I was always meant to be, embracing my motherly side, knowing that this commitment is nothing I can run from this time, this is what I wanted at some point, but now the decision is no longer my choice, it has been made for me, lovingly, unexpectedly, happily, I am overflowing with feelings that are foreign to me, which come with this lifelong commitment, that accompany this unanticipated happiness, that will change the way I approach everything, this will have a profound impact on me, I am finally committing to something, I am finally moving forward, I eventually will be more than I once thought myself to be, I will be a mother and a caregiver, I will be someone on who one being fully depends, I will become the type that sticks to a routine, and all of my reactions will become motherly, I might no longer want to kill me, I might see some value in what I am contributing, I might love myself more deeply because of the gift that was handed to me, I am no longer the crazy aunt, I will play a role much larger than that, I will learn how to react appropriately, I will embrace this responsibility, I will become a mother slowly, I am no longer detached, I have been handed a responsibility that will not allow that, I will let this get the best of me, changing me completely, I have been waiting for this patiently, while in denial that I am anyone who can be relied upon, doubting that I have the ability, questioning if I hold the proper authority, my development in life is something I can no longer go ignoring, this life will now be anything but boring, I will have a being to claim, my commitment has a name, I will learn to care for him, and he will learn to look after me, we will become the same being, operating dependently, learning from each other, teaching me how to love bravely, teaching him how to live freely, teaching each other what life can be, I am excited and anxious, nervous and debating this, committed and terrified of what it might mean, years of my life given to another being, this is the biggest thing I’ve done in life, it is eye opening and scary, I know my life will be changing completely, but I have the confidence that I will learn how to react, I will embrace this impact, I will be the best mother this dog could ever have.