Today was the day he made her see that she had changed — for the better or worse was still to be determined, but she had indeed changed. There was a stark difference between the way she spent her time these days. She was out of the house constantly, would return home exhausted and smoke herself to sleep in order to wake up and do it all over again. She was raising her voice more often and visibly frustrated with whatever she experienced while she was away from home. She was packing suitcases and unpacking them again just to allow them to sit on her floor for a week and be packed up again. She was always tired yet always moving and she never seemed to stop and play fetch anymore. She was finally moving again and she had finally admitted defeat to the strain of boredom. Continue reading
And watch and listen.
You wait your turn,
And you take every moment as a moment to learn.
You are not patient with progress,
And you have a hard time accepting failure.
He could see her struggling to keep track of who she is and not allow her new routine to cloud her perceptions. She had spent months with him living as they pleased and not caring about the influences of the outside world. They did not care about living what was considered a normal life style and instead momentarily lived one that suited each of their needs instead. Continue reading
I am resistant to finding a new way to live,
And resistant to dropping bad habits I have leaned on for so long.
I question if change is necessary,
And cloud my own judgement in moments of weakness,
When I cannot see past my immediate future,
And I am left to trust myself.
It is easy enough to tell others to change their ways:
Drink in yoga instead of alcohol.
Breath in fresh air instead of smoke.
Trust your own voice over any others.
Speak your truths and practice what you preach.
But it is more difficult to embrace change than I anticipated:
Spend less time doubting myself and more time moving forward.
Recognize that life does not stay the same and make the moves I need to make.
Look to the future and do not allow the past to pull me backwards.
Allow myself to let go and trust in life.
I knew this was coming.
I knew I wanted this change.
I knew it would be difficult.
But I know I will survive.
I know my ability and strength to carry on,
And I know that one day I will look up and see,
That I became everything I could possibly want to be,
Because in the end all I really want to be is me.