A Pause For Reflection

Yesterday I realized how far I’ve come and what progress looks like when I am not looking for it. It looks like a smile on my face just as often as there are tears that stream down my cheeks. It looks like a place of my own and enough to make it by. It looks like making new friends and giving them a chance to be introduced to old ones. It looks like less time spent in front of the toilet, but still allowing these anxiety attacks to be considered valid, instead of furthering punishing my body for overreacting. It looks like a new job that may pay me less, but has more valuable benefits that fit my lifestyle naturally. It looks like less competition, more embracing, less panic induced pacing, and more eating. It looks like stripping down to the core of my existence and building it back up again and again. It looks like this is never ending. 

I realized what change feels like when you are not pushing for it. It feels like falling in line with myself and doing things when they feel natural. It feels like trusting my gut and setting healthy boundaries. It feels like being able to breathe. It feels like giving myself space to exist completely, and to sit with my feelings. It feels like dancing when my bones get the instinct, singing when I want to open my voice, expanding my body and taking up space. It feels like a shadow of who I was is still watching, in awe of what I have accomplished. It feels like fortune, thankfulness, and acceptance all rolled into one moment. It feels like freedom to be myself. It feels authentic, like a well worn glove, slipping into the future versions of myself that I have always dreamed of.  It feels like less anger, less frustration, less conflict against my nature. It feels like complete acceptance, even when I don’t like what I see, I have to see it as it is. 

I realized what it takes to be myself. It takes meeting myself again and again. It takes accepting my present, thanking my past and knowing that the future will come. It takes accepting that I am neurodivergent, that my brain works differently than others but it doesn’t make it any less intelligent. It takes accepting what has happen in the past and knowing that agonizing over it will not change it. It takes being on my own to learn who I really am. It takes pushy my boundaries in healthy ways, and the anxiety, fear, and uncertainty that comes along with that experience. It takes leaning in instead of running and hiding again. It takes bravery and acceptance, patience and practice, and years for this all to be accomplished. It takes space from my to do lists, time in nature to reconnect with my roots, meditation to practice feeling grounded in this world. It takes not giving up once I’ve started. 

I realized that I have not celebrated me. I have not extended a pat on the back and I haven’t stopped to see what I have done. I have been living in a victim’s world, seeing these attacks on who I am instead of opportunities to grow. I have been surviving over thriving, but the progress still snuck up on me. I needed to take a pause from activity to see what I am doing. I am building a life that is fully of fortune and love, one that practices authenticity and vulnerability, one that sees the value in every opportunity and knows when it is time for make space to breathe. I have to make the space to see me. I have to stare myself in the mirror and say I am proud of you. I have to repeat I love you. I have to practice something that was once so unnatural to me, something that was once too touchy feely, once too much for me to approach, once overwhelming for where I was. But I have been putting in the work and it is beginning to show itself to me. I can see the strength in my body. I can see the grace in my movement. I can see the smile that comes to me more naturally. I can respect silence and know when I want to fill it. I can speak my truth when I am called to it. I can practice what I have been learning. I can celebrate the progress I am making, but still know that this journey will never be complete. I can continue writing, expressing, feeling. I can live authentically. I just have to trust in myself, trust in this journey, trust that I am listening. 

Today I realized what I have to do to continue. I saw my reflection, and asked it who we are calling in. 

Intuition Speaks, If You Listen

I knew this would happen, I have to start trusting my intuition, I have to start taking into consideration the way I am living, and the way it can be adapted, with thought processes and manifestation, envisioning a life that realistically works for me. It’s then when I start to believe in the change I am creating, I can start to see the effects of what I am working on, and the reward of my patience. I needed to trust that I would have a new job by October, that this season of change would not move on without me, with everyone else riding the waves, when in past years I have been sinking. But this autumn I have my eye on changes, and am ready to embrace what hits me, so that I can heal past frustrations and disappointments, and know I am on the right path. I almost hate that I believe in manifesting, past versions of me would have mocked the connotation, that everything is within my control, everything is within my power, everything is more simple than it first may appear. But control is the power I struggle with, wanting to place everything through the process of clinical manifestation, thinking things through and how to get to them has become an obsession, I am rearranging my life pieces to make sense of this mess. but I will still lack control over what happens next. How can the focus of my attention make a real difference? I have seen the adverse effects. I know how to obsess over every little detail, how to think every minute of every step I make, and what I want the outcome to create, a kind of efficiency that is inhuman, standards that are unrealistic, task lists that are never ending. Maybe manifestation gets the best of me, maybe there is a dark side the this phenomenon of creating, maybe it is the wrong medicine for the way I practice living. This time I asked my ancestors to lead me, and allowed the control to be placed in their all-knowing capacity, and they brought me to this place of hopeful living, opening doors and windows that I would have never seen, allowing me to place trust in the unknown, instead of trying to exercise power over something so wildly out of my control. I have the faith now that I can move on, that I was meant to take this next step in living, that I am stronger than I might think, and more intelligent that I give myself credit, feeling more emotion than the average person, all of this holds such significance to me that it is almost crippling, prodding my reaction to disengage. But instead of running away I am learning to stand grounded and embrace it, I will allow this reason for celebration to wash over me, I allow the fear of change to pass through me, I allow space to be created for new experiences, so that I can embrace what the expansive future holds for me. And yet I knew that this would happen, something told me that by October I would be experiencing changes, I would be making decisions and choosing new beginnings, I had a sense in my intuition that these things were already decided, and I just needed to release and fall into the next version of me. 

Every Morning I Wake Up

I still feel anxious. (Surprise!) Not really. It’s honestly becoming a little boring, in a tortuous, nauseating, panicked kind of way. Since every day I wake up in the same place, with the same thoughts on my brain. Waiting for this ground hog day to end so that I can stick my head back in the sand. When will these things change? What have I been handed? And how can I wrap my brain around this advantage? Can I see that this is a chance to become closer to balance? Can I embrace this opportunity? Or will the panic get the best of me? Will the thought paths becoming winding? Will I be caught in the suction of misleading? Is it a trap of thought processes and a false sense of control? Will I stumble? Will I fall? Will there be an opportunity for a do over? Or is this something I am able to handle? I wake up with no answers and go to sleep with no sense of calm. This moment feels like the definition of turmoil. But I have been here before. I am familiar. And that’s what scares me more. I know what I have done in this place in the past. I know how I might react. Until I remind myself that this time is different. This time I know myself better. This time I know what I am looking for. This time I am embracing the opportunity to move forward. This time I will allow anxiety to exist along side faith. I will accept that this is a time for change. 

My First Love Poem For Me

She is a beautiful unique being,
and a dedicated friend to those who need it,
incredibly loyal to even those who might not deserve it,
but she always sees the light in others,
she can’t help it,
having x-ray vision for what really matters to them,
being able to see through the bullshit,
and brave enough to stare right into their essence,
witnessing while being witnessed,
this bitch has power when she holds space,
commanding the attention of those who came to listen,
not wasting her words on those who are not committed,
to finding their own commanding presence,
and communicate with their bodies what their words could never say,
since she is skilled at reading others,
and taking on their emotions,
being an empath without a safety mechanism,
she absorbs everything and feels it deep in her bones,
forever sorting through pieces of a scattered puzzle,
and yet never giving up on the trouble of it all,
knowing that there is a reason for the suffering,
a silver lining to feeling everything,
never giving up on believing their is a purpose to living,
or her practice of vulnerability,
she is a creative power that is being raised to believe,
she is a creation of love that lives and breathes.

Stay Grounded

I am exhausted with thinking ahead, pushing for every moment to hold significance, and appropriately planning to embrace it, being in the correct mind space for enlightened contemplation, taking advantage of every second, with efficiency being my double edged sword, with my ability to practice it and cut myself down further, never satisfied with what I have to offer, since my movement has to be in a sequence, every movement aligned with the next, every muscle in control with my mind, with an ability to stop and pivot on a dime, to take the hits, to have a sense of balance despite them, when I never take into consideration outside influences, and the way they can sway my internal compass, not allowing me to continue down the path I had chosen, realizing that some things are outside of my control, which makes me fight the urge to release, to accept the messy, the bleeding, the emotions that I can’t help but pour out of me, since I feel everything intensely, and I react drastically, flinging my energy outside of my body, flailing wildly, grasping, gasping, reminding myself to breathe, since it can be the littlest things that set me off, and the drastic reactions will give outside influences power, when I react in ways that are against my nature, and I forget to consult the flow of mediation, or practice the act of acceptance, that certain accepts of life are outside of my influence, there are decisions that I cannot understand at first, that I will have to work to process, to align them with a higher self, when I feel that the world is spinning around me, creating a tornado of anxiety that can be blinding, sucking me into the center of the chaos, until I find the eye of the storm, the one that was watching my reactions all along, and waiting for me in the place where I can find a sense of belonging, in the center of everything and nothing, embracing the swirling powers of changing winds, while I somehow remain grounded. 

I Am ___

I just have to get started, to take the first step, to release my sense of control for the moment, and allow my brain to settle in to this thought pattern,
I am whole, I am wanted, I am at home in myself,
This moment will pass along with the rest, this panic will disperse, this thought I will not survive on my own is false, and the stigmas against a single woman in her thirties will stop, when I take a pause,
I am whole, I am wanted, I am at home in my mind,
The confidence will return slowly, the pieces that fit will come naturally, the release of this situation is good for me, since it is a signal that I am learning, I am stretching, I can take back the power that I allowed to leak from me,
I am whole, I am wanted, I am at home in my body,
I can do this, it is just another moment that I will look back upon with a sense of peace, a smirk of knowing that it will all come together, just as it did the last time I changed everything about me, that time when I knew,
I am whole, I am wanted, I am at home wherever I choose to be,
The past is feeling less haunting, my triggers are loosening, the grip I have on reality is changing, the more that I believe I can handle these things, I am confident in repeating,
I am whole, I am wanted, I am at home in myself, I am unique, I am healing, I am changing, I am breathing, I am being, I am singing, I am dancing, I am moving, I am living, I am taking in the moments that makes me scream, I am only human.

Listen Woman Listen

My primal needs are resurfacing, refusing to be buried, breaking at the seams of how I used to hold myself together, for the sake of survival I am being pushed forward, breaking hold habits serving as chains on my feet, making me drag my enthusiasm, and feel the weight I placed on my own shoulders, applying the kind of pressure that I have always been confident in being able to hold, as I watch myself start to crack under the strain of pretending that these primal instincts will not get the best of me, that I can deny a reflex, and control an impulse, to form a life that is set in the perfect picture, with a background of ease, the kind of thing we used to see in paintings, dripping with oil and artists sweating, taking the time to focus in on the details, making sure that the tree is in the right place, the bushes are trimmed and surrounding the property, keeping me safe from the outside reality, forming a defense against what happens naturally, so that I can think of myself as being in control of what comes next, being able to plan for all of it, know that last week will hold depression, and this week will offer recovery, so that by next week I can see myself being happy, so that I can count on the suffering not lasting forever, and I can pretend like I have a sense of control, since this life seems to be blowing by me in a wind storm of emotion, a tornado of options, destroying my illusion of simple choices, challenging me to remain grounded, and take the time to recognize the facts, that this moment will not last, that five years from now I will forget that this decision passed, and only remember the strength that I had, to withstand the gusts of emotion that make me human, to contemplate the ending of this beautiful gift, and how to make the most of it, doing my very best, to live a life that is aligned with my primal instincts. 

Play That Back

 I took a look back at those videos, and it almost brought me to tears, since I forgot who I once was in those moments, I forgot about the progress, the kind of change it took to make it there in front of the camera, to place me at center stage, to take up space, to forget about the pain, and do it for the experience, for the once in a lifetime chance to make it happen in that time and place, to drop into my emotions, and find a way to express them, going through the motions that feel good and natural, the movement that soothes my shaking bones, the confidence that I had to take my clothes off in front of strangers, but that high feels long gone, as if I have not been seen in a while, as if my emotions have not been witnessed, and I have reverted back to my adolescent state, of being paralyzed, stuck in one place, shrinking and having a shaking fit, wanting to hide from everything, to find a quiet place, disappear from the world in silence, since I was once almost mute in my childhood, and I almost didn’t recognize the woman I was on stage, when I took the cake and ate it, looking like a badass bitch and feeling like it too, going through the motions to prove to myself I am whole, that this performance is an expression of a lack of control, that not everything has to be in order, and I don’t have to know all of the answers, since I am just beginning to dive into myself, to understand my comfortable places, to break down the usual sensations, and save myself from my own degradation, and taking a look at these videos I remembered, that I am a beast who is beautiful, I am emotion, I am pain, I am sex, I am dripping with respect for myself, and the sass of a power house, I am someone who others talk about, admire, and uphold, I am brave, beautiful, and bold, I am a wild woman in my soul, the savage daughter of mothers, the one who will break this cycle. 

Spiraling & Shaking

I cannot do low expectations, the acceptance that this is good enough for me, that I have nothing to work for, nothing to look forward to, that I can scrape by being misunderstood, or completely misinterpreted, allowing people to believe what they may, and forget the facts, so much so that I take a step backward, to retreat into the existence I already know, and refuse to go places I want to go, to make the changes I was bracing for, to move forward, with one foot in front of another, and a knowledge that I am doing the best I can, I am learning new emotional processing tactics, trying out just shaking it off, screaming, singing wildly, to feel the vibrations of my body, to process these emotions, let go of what is no longer working, to make space for me to breathe, for this turmoil to exist, so that it can churn up change and resistance, mixing them to make myself proud, to take back my power, and know that I am on a lifelong adventure, of the boat rocking back and forth, to soothe the internal waves of my soul, and call me back home, to the body that I know, and am learning to love, to the place where I know I can help myself, when I am in rhythm with my soul, and I allow myself to move forward, rocking back and forth, inching closer to center. 

Moving A Friend

I want to break too     to escape to my parent’s house and relearn to breathe     to strip down my walking to until I am crawling once again     reverted back to the state of an impressionable mind     return to my mold-able body     cast aside the shadows of my uncertainty     and finally see again with eyes that are not made of tissues and blood     but instead made of the dreams I see building in front of me     and the steam that is rising from the ash pile heap of understanding     having burnt down the only allies I had in this world of privilege     the only connection I could have learned to live for     following the actions of others     those who failed before me     to never considered what it is to breathe     never taking a break to see     never never never ending dream, of sinking faster into the pit of capitalism     lathering our bodies with the blood of those who died for this cause     who never really tried living     who could never see that I am working     on the solution to the world’s problems     I am encompassing and channeling them     I am streamlining the public reaction to my personal brand of marketing     words spinning     churning     burning holes in the pit of my stomach     so that I have acid to spit in the faces of those who do not want to see me win     who said I can be perfect     who believed that I could be one of them     saw that I have something to contribute to passivizing the masses     to making sense of their aggression     a target that can explain why these things keep happening     a cog in the wheel of biased democracy     and a snag in the plan to see others suffer     since I see the pain that we all harbor     I feel the emotion that is too heavy for others     I bare the burden in my naked skin     so that the ropes and chains of society leave an impression     a scar I can reference     a well of aggression I can refresh my voice with     since voices like mine have been buried for some time     starved on this earth     left to die     like tulips in the summer sun     knowing that our time will come     when the ground is frozen     and hell has risen     and that will be our time to bloom     push our heads through this earth to speak our truth     before it becomes too much for the world to handle     and we have to retreat     to rebuild the energy that this world needs.