I Struggle To Take A Breath

I am moving on,
It has already begun,
And there is nothing that can keep me.
I am pursuing the new,
It is something I have to do,
If I finally want to see me.
I have to do this,
I have no choice,
And I just have to believe.
That this path is tired,
And well worn in the stress,
That I constantly see.
I have to choose another,
While attempting to remember,
That these experiences make me.
While I am on to new sights,
To experience a different fight,
And discover another version of reality.
I have gone on too long,
Giving myself to others,
And disregarding what I need.
I worked hard to discover,
What I value above all others,
And to plant this seed.
I never allowed myself a moment of rest,
In this pursuit of conquest,
Of everything I once dreamed of being.
I still dream excessively,
So that I am never satisfied,
And changing constantly.
But I still remain the same,
When it comes to my ability,
To entertain a new version of me.
This is not the first time I’ve changed,
And this is not the last time I will convey,
The desire to set myself free.
This will not be my last attempt,
And I have to learn to accept,
That I am destined to change constantly.
It’s time to pick up and move on,
And to be thankful for what will soon be gone,
So that I can release control and finally breathe easy.
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I Am Ready To Move On

I have so much to say that I don’t know where to begin —
And I’m not quite sure who would actually listen.
I want my life to start anew,
But I am not quite sure what to do.
I feel this inspiration surging inside of me,
And I cling to it as if it were the only thing I abide by,
While I know the truth —
That this might just be hopefulness of my youth,
And this energy might run dry,
Leading back to the battle to actually try.
I have to trick myself into believing,
That the strength I posses is deceiving,
And the struggle is relieving,
Since it is a sign that I am alive,
And a piece of this puzzle of which I was derived.
The challenge is worth the energy,
I must convince myself that this might be,
The experience that I was meant to see,
Holding moments that define me.
I can’t continue on with my denial,
Because I have a greater desire —
To rise above it all and hold my head tall,
Claiming that this was always me,
And I always had the strength to succeed.
Since I am the only one who possess this doubt,
And no one else holds the same clout,
Which leads me to actually have something to talk about.
These experiences are more than just trials,
And these thoughts are more than just downward spirals,
They hold the secret to the words I wish to speak,
And the key to me finally putting down this drink.
I have to listen if I want to put my best foot in,
And I must learn to finally give in,
To my wish to make this life worth living for,
And learn that pessimism is something to ignore,
With these feelings resulting from the consequence of being bored.
So I have to actually try,
Or I must submit to the opportunity to die,
With nothing being accomplished,
And my optimism being tarnished,
Leaving me with life without a harness,
Being in control of the things that I see,
And construing the person I want to actually be,
So I have to step up,
And not only look in the bottom of this cup,
For the answers that I have been seeking,
And the reason that I keep on believing,
That I can continue to do this,
And that this life is something I don’t want to miss,
It is something I want to embrace —
And if that is truly the case,
Then I will leave this state of mind and move on to a better place.

I Can’t & I Won’t

I can’t stop the yellowing of my fingers as much as I can’t stop the pessimism of my feelings.
I won’t accept that it is within my control to change and I will continue on with this feeling of being deranged.
Because sanity does not feel like something that is within my range to obtain.

I wake up and try optimism,
Just to sit down and be crushed by claustrophobia,
Caused by this desire for escapism,
And encouraged by my own phobia,
That this life could mean so much more,
If only I step up to allow it to…

But the strength it takes makes me weak,
And the persistence it requires makes me drag my feet,
As I seek to compete with the very image that provides my defeat —
An image of a woman who is strong and is in for the long haul,
Dedicated to a purpose and driven by nothing less,
With enough intelligence to know when to call it quits,
And accept that this life is what I make it.

But I don’t want to accept the progress,
And I hesitate to not applaud where I digressed,
In order to take the path that shouldn’t be traveled,
And dive into the thoughts that should not be harbored,
Because there is something in me that does not want to be free,
And there is something encouraging me to deny this ability.

I can’t stop this lack of motivation as much as I can’t deny my distraction.
I won’t accept this choice and I will continue to deny the sound of my own voice.
Because it is too much to bear and the disappointment I find in myself is leading to despair.

I go to sleep with a head full of pessimism,
Not allowing my thoughts to be a friend,
Encouraging everything to bring me down with the best of them,
And pouring my feeling of frustration out of this pen —

Because I never seem to change,
And I no longer claim it to be a mistake.
Since it is obvious that I chose to be estranged,
And this is what I was willing to take.

I accepted my defeat years ago,
And came to see that I am incomplete,
As long as there are secrets that I insist on keeping,
There are struggles that I continue reaping,
And thoughts that will prevent me from sleeping.

I can’t stop,
And I won’t accept,
Because this life is too much to expect.

Sedentary Change

I am afraid of this moment —
When my pen hits the paper and I except words to flow out of me.
I am afraid that I won’t be able to follow through,
And I am afraid that I have nothing to offer of value.
I am worried that I will become distracted,
And that my words will not actually sink in.
Because I can’t seem to focus these days,
And I can’t seem to care about anything I pick up.
I want to want progress,
And I need to need busyness,
But is it really all serving me in the end?
This transformation process is frustrating and tedious,
And I am losing motivation to put my best foot forward.
I am losing faith that I have the strength to continue,
And I am becoming exhausted by my never ending task list.
I wake up every day and I am confused as to how I got here,
And I know that that confusion will only grow.
Because I know that this struggle is far from over.
And I know that there is no place for me to seek cover.
This is the path I am always destined to walk down.
I will always be looking for more.
And that is something I will never be able to ignore.
But I can feel that this struggle is real,
And it is challenging everything I thought I held dear.
It is making me question my place,
And leading me to hate my own face,
Because it is no longer one that I recognize,
And its look of confusion is leading me to despise,
All the thoughts that I could actually rise,
Above it all and never fall back,
To the place I regret ever being at all,
and the depths to which I know how to fall.
Because I despise that side of weakness,
And I am ashamed of this overwhelming sense of bleakness,
When I have so much opportunity placed in front of me,
And I refuse to be what it needs me to be.
Because I am weak and I am human,
And I’d rather die in this self-imposed gloom,
Then try to see the light in my escape,
And have faith in the moving on to a new place.
So today I am afraid of my pen,
But tomorrow will only repeat itself again,
If I continue to refuse to be open,
And accept that change is not an act of being broken,
But instead an opportunity to become outspoken,
A chance to change the person I am,
And a chance to begin again.
But I am afraid of that hope,
And I am afraid that this chance,
Will disappear as quickly and unexpectedly as it came,
And I will be left with nothing to retain,
Putting myself back at square one,
And wondering if this transformation is something that ever even begun.

Move Fast

I try to keep up, but I always seem to be falling behind my own life. I try to live in the moment, but there is something in me that will not allow it completely. I try to be excited about my accomplishments, but there is something in me that will not accept full credit for my actions. I wish that I could brag about what I have done and where I have been. I wish that I was the type of person who accepted more credit than they should receive and I want to boast about what I have experienced. I wish that I had a list of defense for when I am hypercritical and I need to remind myself that I have done much with my young life already. I wish that I could stand confidently in the knowledge of who I am and where I want to go.

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A Glimpse of Myself

I’m moving too fast and can’t seem to slow down.
I’ve lost control in the best kind of way and I am running with the results.
I no longer recognize the person I appear to be and stare into the mirror looking for answers I will never be able to see.
Because my reflection doesn’t show the shift in my nature,
And I will not be able to see my change in value so shallowly.
My surface does not reflect the growth that I have been building for years,
And it cannot explain my change in personality.
I must look deeper than a mirror to see what is happening,
But I can’t seem to find the background that will properly illuminate my nature.
I don’t recognize the experiences that have changed me,
Because I am in denial that complete change is ever truly possibly.
I am cursed to forever see myself as that timid little girl,
The one who was never willing to speak her mind,
And shied away from any form of a spotlight,
The little girl who was afraid of everything and nothing,
Holding a never ending supply of dreams and thoughts,
Destined to rattle around in her head versus being expressed instead.
But I am no longer that little girl whether I like it or not,
And I cannot continue on with out stopping for the thought,
That I was never as cursed as I felt I might be,
And change and growth was always building within me.
I always possessed this side I do not recognize,
I just kept it buried deep inside —
Because I was afraid of the truth and I was terrified of my potential,
And I allowed my actions to instead be detrimental.
I cut myself down and I criticized my actions,
To point that nothing ever seemed worth practice,
Because I saw my potential for failure all along,
And never accepted anything less than perfection in my execution,
Leaving me to never recognize the progress I am still making.
It has left me wondering where I stand now and never seeing the steps I took to get here.
I abandoned myself years ago,
And now I am trying to recognize the person I have become,
I stare at this stranger in the mirror,
And I wonder where they have been all of these years.
Where did they come from?
And how did I not recognize their presence by my side?
When did they sneak up on me?
And when did I lose the person I once knew myself to be?
How did this all happen so quickly?
I am too concerned with other’s perceptions,
To the point that I can no longer claim my own reflection.
I recognize the body I am standing in,
And I am familiar with the way that it moves,
I know my voice when I speak,
But I also know that there are countless secrets that I keep.
And slowly and surely they are escaping in confidence,
Piece by piece they are showing on my face,
Moment by moment I embody the pressure,
And thought after thought leads me to believe that this is for the better.
I am tired of the mask I have worn since my youth,
And I am ready to finally have the courage to speak my truth,
About this life and the experiences it has held for me,
And the person that I have always wanted to be —
One who is strong and confident,
And speaks with an air of intelligence,
One who is bold and never bashful,
And seeks out experiences that hold potential,
Someone who is proud of what they have accomplished,
Yet always has energy for more.
Because I no longer recognize that girl I once was,
And I want to find the person I will be someday,
But for today I will start with where I stand now,
And I will applaud myself for getting here somehow.

Thanks, But I’ll Pass

I missed the solar eclipse, and I seem to still be missing the point of this life. Planetary movement is supposed to bring change that is out of my control, but I am losing faith in trusting the inertia. I am losing faith in the fact that I am changing, but not in ways that are instantly satisfying. And am losing confidence in my efforts to bring change that I want into my life. I feel helpless and like it is being thrown at me lately versus inviting it in with welcome arms. I attempt to embrace that change and I tell myself that it is needed — I can feel in my bones that it is needed, and this time I am attempting to not fight it as best as I can. But still feel like a wave of change is crashing over me, drowning me in the unknown and suffocating me with my own blind faith in it. I feel like I am sitting on a beach, just having tsunami sized wave after wave hit me, but I can’t seem to move from my spot in the sand no matter how difficult it becomes to breathe. I feel stupid and overwhelmed, and most of all helpless to the change that I started and can no longer seem to handle. I smoke myself blinding through the trails and tribulations, and I consequently have a hard time remembering anything and feel like none of my actions are permanent. Every day I wake up and smoke a spliff, and every day I am hitting restart on the game that is my life. I can’t remember what I did yesterday and I can’t fathom what I am supposed to do today. I wake up perpetually tired and I go to sleep perpetually restless. I am overwhelmed by everything I have chosen to place in my life and I am reaching the point of surrendering to the pressure and slipping back to a state of indifference to get by. I asked for all of this and I initiated all of this change, but in the end I am afraid of what I have done and I am terrified of what I might have the capacity to do if I actually gave a fuck.

I Am No Longer Me

How do I know that I am happier than I was before?
And who can tell me that I have changed?
What is the sign I have been waiting for?
And how can I know that it was there all along?
Who said that this life is something that is in my control?
And what told me that it was time to move on?
How can I put this sensation into words?
And who will even listen if I do?
There is one answer that rings true,
And one thing that I have to do —
Not be you.
I need to not be complacent,
And I need to not follow in your footsteps,
I should not trust you,
And I should not deny me,
I cannot put this one out of sight,
And I cannot ignore my own mind.
This was building and forming for years in the making,
Leaving me now to do the remainder of the taking.
I poured my heart into me,
And I dedicated my soul to the cause.
I struggled and strived,
And allowed pieces of me to die inside.
I hated myself,
And I sought escape from the pressure,
But what I found in that escape was something lesser,
Something smaller than what I had in mind,
And there was still something clawing at my insides.
I heard a voice in the back of my mind,
And for once I was so inclined to listen,
To the voices I knew so well —
The ones that formed my own prison.
They shit on my efforts and spit on my trials,
I heard doubt and abuse,
And it took years to cut those voices loose.
But once they cleared and I stopped the ringing in my ears,
I dared myself to listen.
I heard the fear of doubt,
And I recognized the things I wanted to shout,
I wanted to let it all go,
And I wanted to release into the flow of life,
To stop caring and finally give in,
And allow myself to succumb to the numbness within.
But there was a voice that grew louder in the back of my mind,
And a voice that I recognized as one of a kind,
It was the voice of my soul and the voice that cleared doubt,
It had the sound of confidence,
And spoke the language of defiance.
It started as a whisper and a question,
And grew in volume as I allowed the wrong thoughts in.
It yelled at me for the state of my health,
And asked me how I defined the status of wealth.
It questioned my detrimental reactions,
And wondered why I failed to ever gain traction.
It brought to light what I was denying myself,
And the shame that grew within only seemed to help.
I wanted to change and I wanted to listen,
It was just a matter of finally releasing myself from my own opinions.
But once I tasted that sky of potential,
And once I took a deep breath of acceptance,
I could not help but become the person I was destined to be —
I could not help but be passionate,
And I could not control my enthusiasm,
I could not stop talking about my dreams,
And I could not have more faith in the fact that nothing is as it seems.
Because I had not changed in looks,
And you could not notice a difference in the actions I took,
But I could not deny feeling it.
I could not help but start a new,
Because I knew the old me just would not do,
It would not serve the person I was meant to be,
And it could not save me from the things life had thrown at me.
I had to adapt and I had to change,
It was time to move on,
And if I didn’t I wouldn’t have survived for long,
Because I would have lost the sense of what it is to be me,
I would have failed to see all the things that I have the potential to be,
If only I was not me,
And I became everything I ever dreamed to be.

The Only Opinion That Matters

Today was the day he made her see that she had changed — for the better or worse was still to be determined, but she had indeed changed. There was a stark difference between the way she spent her time these days. She was out of the house constantly, would return home exhausted and smoke herself to sleep in order to wake up and do it all over again. She was raising her voice more often and visibly frustrated with whatever she experienced while she was away from home. She was packing suitcases and unpacking them again just to allow them to sit on her floor for a week and be packed up again. She was always tired yet always moving and she never seemed to stop and play fetch anymore.¬†She was finally moving again and she had finally admitted defeat to the strain of boredom. Continue reading

I Have So Many Questions

How did I get here?
And how did I not recognize that this was happening?
How could I stare down change with such denial?
And how could I not be prepared for this?
What was I looking for when I found this?
And why was I looking in the first place?
Who was searching with me?
And could anyone actually be searching for me?
Or was I always just searching?
And did I stumble into this?
Is this a fall or a step?
Did I mean to place my foot there?
Was there something greater calling my name?
And did I just refuse to listen?
Or is this that great calling?
Can this be the opening that I have been looking for?
And can the me I am at this moment be the one I was meant to be?
Who am I?
Where am I?
How did I get here?
And what do I do now?