It gave me a second thought,
About all the trivial things over which we fought.
It made me look past the guise,
Of what I was struggling through on the inside.
It provided me with clarity,
Over the things I once lacked to see.
Since we would fight so much that I barely remember,
The moments when we were actually growing together,
In the ways that we did not want to face,
And over manners which we normally refuse to contemplate.
Our relationship forced me to be true,
To the things that I had the audacity to pursue,
Since you always questioned my choice,
Despite knowing that I believed in my own voice.
You wanted what was best for me,
And that is something at the time I refused to believe.
Since you were perceived as cruel and abusive,
And I had many reasons to refuse this,
Life that you had laid out for me in the belief,
That is was the best thing for me.
I was angry and felt misunderstood,
And claimed that you had no idea what I was going through.
I was irrational and emotional,
Yelling at you about things over which you had no control.
I was ungrateful and disappointed,
That my life and goals were so disjointed.
I decided that you would have no say in what I do,
And that you have no understanding for what I wanted to pursue.
I decided that we would never see eye to eye,
Since it was something I was not willing to try.
I wanted to fight with you,
Since it was the one thing I could do,
To express my disappointment in me,
And all the things you once believed me to be.
I proved to be a different person than you had hoped,
And I yelled words I should have never spoke.
But it brought us to a place of understanding,
Since we both have personalities that are incredibly demanding.
We stand strong in our beliefs,
And now there are no secrets that we keep.
Since we have both learned to move on,
And embrace each other before we are gone.
This life can change instantly and without permission,
Until we no longer realize what we are missing.
And I no longer want to miss you,
Or the influence you could contribute to,
My growth and understanding of this life,
And a way to survive through all of the strife.
I now crave your voice and your embrace,
Now that I have even more in life to contemplate.
I now respect all that you had to do,
In order to provide me with the life you wanted too.
I now miss you influence,
In my pursuit of thoughtlessness.
But yesterday I was reminded,
Of all that ways in which I was blinded,
When I was growing up with you,
And fighting everything you wanted me to do.
When I did not attempt to see,
Everything in which you believed me to be.
When I took you for granted,
And I wanted more than what I was handed.
When I thought you were the last person on earth,
Who I wanted to give me birth.
But now I see my luck for what it is,
An attempt at generational bliss,
Where you worked hard to correct the mistakes of your mother,
And provide me with another,
Kind of life in which you would find no disappointment,
And the kind of woman in who you would find enjoyment.
So thank you for all that you did,
And thank you for all that you do,
Because I know that if there is one thing that is true,
It is that there is so much love shared between me and you.
There is hate when I wake up and begin to contemplate,
The tasks that I must complete today.
There is regret when I do not want to get out of bed,
And allow myself to continue dreaming instead.
There is a desperation in my patience,
For someone to come and save me.
There is no honor in being a goner,
And yet I continue on in my ponder…
What makes me think of these things first?
And where did this undeniable thirst come from?
What is driving me to be numb and removed,
From everything I once wished to pursue?
I overwhelm myself and cope with how I felt,
With a dissatisfaction for being human,
While knowing there is so much more I could be doing.
I hate and think that this is all I can see,
Because I have no strength left in me to believe.
I want to scream!
I take a deep breath and attempt to relax instead,
Allowing my mind to release its dread.
I remind myself of the time it takes,
And that I must be willing to wait,
In order to redeem the life over which I contemplate.
How can I be angry with so much laid before me?
And what is it that I am too blind to see?
What magical opening am I searching for?
And why did I not look for it before?
There is hope that in the time that has passed I will finally grasp,
How to live a life that is important to me instead of sink into relapse.
There is diligence in what I have proven to do in order to get through,
And materialize all of the dreams I am seeking to pursue.
There is time it will take in order to settle this debate,
Creating even more time for me to contemplate.
But there is strength in the way I will go to any lengths,
And a desperate hope that my perseverance will resonate.
I want to end this dependence that I hold with so much repentance.
I want to not be known for doing this or know that I will miss it.
I want to let go of what is killing me while providing a temporary release.
But mostly I want to believe the words that I speak.
This bad habit has gotten the best of me and all that I wanted to be.
It chokes out my voice and breaks down my body,
And yet I will admit reluctantly that it has become a part of me.
It weakens my breath and makes me cough up debris from my chest,
Yet its calling I will not allow to go unaddressed.
The smoke that fills my lungs allows me to be numb until I’m done,
Taking the last drag I can physically take,
Making me instantly want another smoke for this debate.
Yet I know that I want to release this habit that brings me no peace,
Since it is the first and last thing I think of doing each day,
And I have lost track of what else I care to convey.
I have proven to be a smoker and more than just a midnight toker,
While I despise this identity and wish that I could be,
Someone who speaks without a hacking cough,
And is stronger than was previously thought.
I want to prove that I can quit that which I regret,
And not allow this bad habit to get,
The best years of my life that I have to spend.
I want to let go but I am reluctant to allow,
Myself to transform into a different person somehow.
One who is healthy and strong and willing to stick around for the long,
Run of this life and the reasons for which I fight,
To save my breath and the body I was born with.
I once knew an existence without this shame and familiar pain,
And a habit from which I have nothing to gain.
I once knew what it was like to move,
And not be stopped by the habits I pursue.
I once had no second thought when it came to what I sought.
But now I pause to doubt everything I have allowed to come about.
Since I allowed this to happen and it’s my fault I am hacking,
Up a lung and still not satisfied with my level of numb,
Since I allowed this habit to take hold,
And be the first part of me which is told,
In the story of how my life was cut too short,
And I allowed myself to be a victim to the fate I foretold.
I watched all of this happen while I continued lacking,
A care about my slow form of reaction.
Since I am alright with this version of spite,
I hold against myself and all the hope I ever felt,
To prove to be a perfect person,
And instead finding myself to be a flawed version.
So here’s one more if I’m continuing to keep score,
And here’s another chance I allowed to be abhorred.
Here’s a step in the wrong direction,
And here’s to the lack of my perfection.