Play That Back

 I took a look back at those videos, and it almost brought me to tears, since I forgot who I once was in those moments, I forgot about the progress, the kind of change it took to make it there in front of the camera, to place me at center stage, to take up space, to forget about the pain, and do it for the experience, for the once in a lifetime chance to make it happen in that time and place, to drop into my emotions, and find a way to express them, going through the motions that feel good and natural, the movement that soothes my shaking bones, the confidence that I had to take my clothes off in front of strangers, but that high feels long gone, as if I have not been seen in a while, as if my emotions have not been witnessed, and I have reverted back to my adolescent state, of being paralyzed, stuck in one place, shrinking and having a shaking fit, wanting to hide from everything, to find a quiet place, disappear from the world in silence, since I was once almost mute in my childhood, and I almost didn’t recognize the woman I was on stage, when I took the cake and ate it, looking like a badass bitch and feeling like it too, going through the motions to prove to myself I am whole, that this performance is an expression of a lack of control, that not everything has to be in order, and I don’t have to know all of the answers, since I am just beginning to dive into myself, to understand my comfortable places, to break down the usual sensations, and save myself from my own degradation, and taking a look at these videos I remembered, that I am a beast who is beautiful, I am emotion, I am pain, I am sex, I am dripping with respect for myself, and the sass of a power house, I am someone who others talk about, admire, and uphold, I am brave, beautiful, and bold, I am a wild woman in my soul, the savage daughter of mothers, the one who will break this cycle.