How Would You React?

What if I told you that your actions would stick with me, for days, months, years even, that your words are ingrained in my memory, available to call upon at any moment, influencing me still hours after you have left, days after you voiced your last thought to me, many moments after we last interacted,           What if I said that you always had an influence, a visible impact, that your words would last, stick, and prod my mind endlessly, that your words are almost haunting,           What would you choose to say to me then, if I admitted that I will replay this moment, over and over again, endlessly looping in my head, never ending evaluation of my reaction, an endless cycle of reacting, a constant reminder of your influence, it could have been the slightest glance, the change in your face when I chose to speak up, the subtle actions that others allow to remain silent,           What if I told you your actions had an impact, that I was watching the way you changed as time passed, evaluating the ways that I could have improved the situation, could have changed the outcome, could have represented myself better as a human, said something of bigger influence, held myself in a different position, had left a better impression,            What if you knew I didn’t choose to have this memory, that I had no option but to remember everything, that it happens due to my anxiety, that our interactions would be replayed endlessly, the few words you said would stick with me, forever, available for repeat, allowing an additional impact on my psyche, digging deeper into my mind than you may have intended, sticking with me for much longer than you may have expected,           What if I told you I still hear it, the tone of your voice, the look of your face, the position that you held yourself in, that I noticed everything, I missed nothing that could have an impact, I took it all in for further internalization, I dissected it years later even, I pulled your voice out of my memory, I listened to it over and over again, looking for a hint of validation, deeper meaning, over reading your body language, overthinking the words you said, over heightening the significance,           What if I admitted that I was crazy, obsessive, overinvested in the past, reliving what has already happened time and time again, looking for something that I didn’t see before, listening to your words for a hint of something more, reading between lines that may not exist, creating alternate motivations, imagining the alternative realities, the ones where I could go back and do it again perfectly, where I would know what was coming, could plan my reactions, think through all of my words, choose everything I do carefully, make the outcome exactly what I want it to be, leaving the impression that I intended on making, offering the side of me that is well planned, perfect,           What if I admitted my obsession, with wanting to relive all moments again, even the smallest interactions, I want to go back and make perfect, I want to manipulate in my favor, I want to make them a moment worth living for,           What if I was afraid of making more moments like these, that I am terrified of interacting, that I am hyper conscious of your influence on me, that I am exhausted by constantly reliving, never able to move on from our last meeting, our last conversation, the last words that you chose to say to me, making a larger impact than you may ever think, sticking in my brain, preserved for a random day, to be revived when you are nowhere near, when you cannot hear my reaction, when you cannot know that I am still thinking about you,           What would you do then?